MIKE'S "FUCK SHIT AND KILL SHIT" BLOG

The return of slavery and things around the house FINALLY getting done

2012-02-09T14:52:00.001-06:00

Alright, I'm ready to admit that America bringing over Africans on boats so they could pick our cotton and cook our meals was wrong. But here's the thing...THERE'S A TON OF FUCKING WORK TO DO, and I don't know if you've been watching the news or not...but we don't have any money to pay anyone. It's time to bring slavery BACK.

Now I know what you're thinking...Mike's going all racist on us. Not the case. I don't think the answer is importing Africans or enslaving our current every day black people. Well, not ALL of them. What we NEED TO DO is enslave prisoners for the length of their sentence. Non violent folks can work in your average family's homes...the really bad ones we'll find something else for them...reality shows...cranking up those crank 'em flashlights that don't run on batteries...but if you're convicted of a crime, you're no longer sent to sit in a cell and rape each other...you'll be put to work doing my laundry or mowing my lawn.

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING! We lose all of the overcrowding in prisons. We lose incarcerated folks' disconnect from the outside world. We get PLENTY of work done. WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE?!?!?! Sure, with lax security (I mean...ankle bracelets and taze batons will help but it isn't the same as barbed wire and iron bars) there will be escapees. For those people, they'll be tracked down and punished. They were stupid enough to get caught the first time. Think we won't find you again, fella? What? Are they gonna flee to Mexico? Good. Fuck 'em. Good riddance. I just don't see an alternative. Things ran so much smoother back when we kept people against their will to do tasks no one else wanted to do. It slows everything down when people take sick days or get all uppity and quit. People are going to continue to break laws. Let's find a better way to handle that.

the honda pilot and a family in crisis

2011-12-04T18:38:00.002-06:00

i tweeted a few weeks ago a question that i had in hopes someone would help me. it seems the "social" part of social media is broken, however, cause very rarely does anyone take the time to interact with me at all. i have questions that need to be answered. i'm a simple fellow with needs. like most people, i need food......water.......sleep.......blowjobs......

but more important than any of those things, i need to know why there's a black kid in the car in that honda pilot commercial....

.......look....i'm not a racist or anything......but it's pretty fucking obvious that kid isn't a member of that family. there's 5 white kids of varying ages......a pair of white parents.......and a random black kid. is it too much to ask that they explain this? one line of dialogue......"mr. and mrs. johnson, thank you for letting me accompany your family on this road trip! i need to call my mom and dad as soon as we stop in indianapolis for the night to let them know we got there safe." but no. i'm left to wonder the circumstances. foster kid? did his parents die in a fire and the first cop on the scene adopted him and has been raising him as his own? maybe this guy kidnapped the children and him and his obedient wife are taking them to the rape dungeon to play "feel in my pockets for the key to your handcuffs."

i'm sure there's an explanation for the black kid in the car. it shouldn't be so open to interpretation. people will let their minds wander to some dark places and those dark places don't sell cars....they confuse people. confused people don't buy cars. confused people start looking in the mirror or at their family albums......they start asking "are any of MY kids black?"

well...........................................are they?

DISCOVER CARDS AND USING YOUR HEAD

2011-10-01T16:27:00.002-05:00

I like the discover card commercials where nice, upstanding white folks call customer service for their other (obviously inferior) credit card to cash in rewards points or frequent flyer miles. Sure enough though, they’re greeted by a Russian fellow named Peggy who’s conducting call center business in a fishing shack or sweatshop. He proceeds to give incredibly poor service which results in the commercial ending with the customer getting frustrated and switching to discover.

What I find funny about these commercials is the avoidance of using Indian or middle eastern characters. I figure the reasoning behind this is either….

A. Fear of being labeled racists or anti-Muslim. Although we all KNOW most of our calls are routed to India, we can’t portray that on television without being labeled racially insensitive.

B. They use middle eastern folks with americanized bullshit names themselves and don’t want to be called hypocrites for chastising the practice (even though the commercial implies when you call them, you’ll get a hot blonde in a polo shirt).

Or C. There really is a Russian call center somewhere that they’re targeting.

Either way, it’s a clever attempt at relating to us the frustrations of not understanding accents over the phone and poor, uninformed people from other countries reading scripted answers when we’re already frustrated with the situation that prompted us to make the call in the first place. The only problem is: they pussed out and went with a safer country of origin. I bet they had meetings about it.

Where’s a foreign country that has accents but they’re still white?

Germany? Too scary.

Belgium? Not scary enough.

Russia? PERFECT!

I’d be more inclined to switch to a company that didn’t veil their bullshit commercial in clever comedic quips and just said “you’ll talk to someone from america when you call us and they actually can help you.” 22 syllables. 10 seconds at most. Pay Christian Slater to read the sentence. Put up the logo….fade to black. I’m sold.

Mila Kunis and the all-knowing

2011-08-05T13:45:00.002-05:00

My friend chris broke my heart yesterday when he referenced a huffington post article that claims the ONLY POSITIVE THING I took away from seeing “friends with benefits” was all a lie.

At a certain point, about mid-way through the painfully cliche-ridden borefest, there’s a scene where Mila Kunis walks nude from the bathroom to the bed, where you get a full view of her nude body from the back. It’s fantastic. Upon seeing this wonderment of artistry, I had made the decision that although the movie was terrible, it did give me an opportunity to see someone naked that I have expressed interest in seeing naked in the past. This gave the film a passing grade.

Turns out: it was a butt double. Now THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE IMAGE ON THE SCREEN AS BEING DESIRABLE. It just takes the piss out of it. There’s no taboo in seeing a random chick’s ass. Same goes for Lindsay Lohan in machete. Boob double. Bullshit.

I’ve decided there needs to be laws that protect people from this. Similar to the disclaimer in car commercials claiming it’s a closed course, if there is a part of an actor or actress’ performance they didn’t participate in, there should be a small line of text at the bottom to tell us so. This includes stunts….this includes dancing….fucking Natalie Portman….anybody can play a crazy bitch. I thought you were DANCING TOO.…

I need to know when I’m seeing something fake. I need to know when the studios/producers want to urge me not to try something at home. There needs to be warnings. You know how they have pictures of dead people on cigarette packs? I WANT THERE TO BE PICTURES OF BONERS DYING ON THE COVER OF THAT MOVIE CHARLIZE THERON GOT REALLY FAT FOR.

…AND GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO SEE MILA KUNIS NAKED!

the baby swap and the "no refunds" policy

2011-08-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

i felt kind of bad the other day when laura and i were talking about our future. she really wants to have baby girls. of course, anyone who knows me knows this could never happen and so it is a shame that she met a man with such masculine sperm.

see, my junk isn't equipped for girl making. my sperm has biceps. so in theory, the only way laura's ever going to make a girl is by cheating on me or swapping.

swapping, you ask? why, yes!

my newest creation: the baby swap program......where you DON'T WANT the baby you got but still kind of want a baby. i mean, you had the shower......you painted the room.....but the baby you got is just kind of an asshole....or reminds you of someone......or is not the gender you were hoping for. whatever the case may be...

we're not talking adoption. there's already PLENTY of places to go get you an unwanted baby. we're talking a straight up swap. you post an ad on www.mikesfuckshitandkillshitbabyswap.org's website with plenty of pictures and what their major defect is (like in our case, it'd be I ALREADY HAVE 7 BOYS AND WANT A GIRL) and connect with other people who want to return their baby as well.

granted, there will be a strict no refund policy to avoid those sentimental assholes who decide later they want to know how the one that came out of them turned out. this will protect you from the bonuses and rewards of raising a good/profitable kid and having it ripped out of your clutches by "real mommy."

again, web developers and business folks alike, you know where to find me if you need to know more and want to partner up with me on this one.

errandboy.com and the capitalization of a lazy world

2011-07-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

I can't tell you how many times Laura has realized she didn't have an ingredient of a meal she was preparing until after she started making it. This usually means I'm going to have to drive down the street and pick up eggs....or milk....or butter....something like that.....but what if I wasn't home? What then? Does she scrap the meal all together? She certainly can't just leave the burner on and leave. That would be irresponsible.

That's why I've come up with the perfect solution: errandBoy.com

The craigslist of small favors.

It works something like this: ErrandBoy.com will maintain a database of grocery stores, carryout restaurants and retail chain's prices....you PURCHASE items from the site (with a minimal service fee, of course) and then it goes into an open forum, where people could click on your link and ACCEPT your contract, therefore putting your
money into their account. They then go to the store, buy the items you've paid them to buy and bring them to your house. You then, I assume, are expected to tip them....but they still get a percentage of ErrandBoy.com's service fee...so they're still making money....it's like freelance pizza delivery only with millions of options and products to choose from. All the out of work hoosiers could log on any time they wanted and make some money bringing me a fucking lion sized sandwich from lion's choice. I'd check it every time I left the house to see if there was any in a direct route to where I was headed anyway. If everyone did that, think of how happy all the Al Gore "global warming carbon footprint blah blah" hippies would be.

All you fucks out there that know how to design websites get started on this. Let me know when you're done and I'll tell you where to mail my checks.

Right, wrong and media coverage

2011-07-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

I had, what was in MY mind, an incredible idea for a novel this afternoon that I know I’ll forget before doing anything about….or will remember vividly and still do nothing about. The protagonist, a young man with great intentions, attempts to make a name for himself through good deeds. He tries to raise awareness of good causes, volunteers his time doing charity work, donates large portions of his salary to starving children in some shit hole country….the guy does it all. He is COMPLETELY IGNORED. Then, one day, he hits his breaking point and MURDERS someone….or it’s an accident….or he’s falsely accused….haven’t decided what the circumstances are and how to keep him a sympathetic character….or maybe I don’t WANT him to be a sympathetic character…..because after the INCIDENT, this man becomes a rockstar. His life becomes a 24/7 news circus. The trial of the century….he’s getting marriage proposals in jail….he’s on t-shirts and Rob Lowe is playing him in movies on the lifetime network….not for the good things he’s done and the lives he’s bettered, but because we as a people have an insatiable bloodlust for fucked up murderers and psychopaths.

Casey Anthony is a fucking trailer trash, inbred hoosier. We shouldn’t know her name. She is one of the most talked about people in the country and all she has done in her miserable life is murder her child. She’s famous….and the reason she’s famous is because we made her famous. She has no talent. We commented on her tits. We talked about her daughter’s corpse rolling around in her trunk. That was us. We did this. You have to ask yourself: is being immortalized worth the sacrifice of your morals? You can’t name a single one of the 32 victims of the Virginia Tech shooting 4 years ago….but I bet 1 out of 5 Americans can pull the name Seung-Hui Cho out of their ass. All those kids were doing was what they were supposed to be doing….going to a fucking university and learning shit.

Then there’s the Columbine assholes….Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. They became the poster boys for so many things….heavy metal music…violent video games….guns in schools…..a Michael Moore movie….I mean, they got grouped in with CELEBRITIES….Marilyn Manson was interviewed ABOUT THEM….that’s the message we want all the rest of these little sociopaths to hear? Kill people so Eminem notices you? Not that I have an alternative to this idea. I wouldn’t have mentioned the little pricks’ names is all. Fuck them and their spotlight. I don’t care what music they listened to or what video game they play. The story should be the people who were killed and their families….not what was on those dipshits’ blog.

It must be surreal for Casey Anthony to sit in her hotel room in Cleveland, Ohio….or wherever she was sent for her protection….and see her name being spoken by every news anchor and every talk show host….and although they’re speaking ill of her and her choices, you have to wonder if to some, that they’re being mentioned at all is enough.

To put it into perspective….I made a comment a while back on twitter that Jenna Haze (a pornstar) has a boring twitter feed because there’s nothing on it to jerk off to. She replied to me and basically told me to fuck off and that twitter isn’t a porn site. I believe she called me an asshole. I was seriously put in my place. She was completely right….I was a COMPLETE ASSHOLE to make the comment…..but do you know what my reaction was? Holy shit! Jenna Haze just TALKED TO ME. I was excited. I went to her twitter and realized she replies QUITE OFTEN to douchebags. Didn’t see a SINGLE INSTANCE of her THANKING SOMEONE for saying “I love your work.” I’m sure she gets those types of messages. HAVE YOU SEEN HER WORK? She’s very talented…but no. She defended herself to assholes and was otherwise quite boring.
I guess what I’m trying to say is Jenna Haze is what’s wrong with America and it’s time we fix it. If you consistently reward negative behavior, don’t be surprised when you see more of it. Look at a list of the top 10 most recognizable names in sports (not beloved…recognizable) and I bet O.J.’s fucking on there. Was he when he was JUST a hall of famer and token black guy in naked gun movies?

I’m not pointing this out to benefit anyone, I’m just pointing it out in hopes that someone recognizes how fucking clever I am. ‘Bout time somebody does.

Knees and ankles

2011-07-22T20:56:00.000-05:00

I was made aware of a concept I had never known about while eating some birthday cake at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Apparently, there are different pants/underwear protocol in place for men and women in toilet sitting situations.

See, I always thought pants at your knees was standard. I never knew of this subculture, led primarily of women, that only pull their garments down to their knees…..claiming that bathroom floors are a filthy place and that they do not want their clothing to come in contact with it.

Two problems I see with the knees together stance that I can think of right off the bat….balance and comfort. Where do your balls and penis go if your knees are held together by the elastic of your underwear? Well, as any man would know, it’s either sitting on top pointing towards the door or tucked uncomfortably underneath your tightly pressed together thighs. If dangling gently with a nice, wide stance, you won’t need to worry much…but stretched and pointing downward, you have splash-back or even a possible crossfire situation to contend with. I would imagine these issues would translate to women as well. Seeing as the pee hole is kinda in the middle if not slightly forward facing, I would imagine a wide stance would be REQUIRED to get the correct angle.

It’s kind of a sexy look. Just pulling ‘em down far enough to get to work….but it’s not practical….and if we’re talking WOMEN, HOW DIRTY COULD BATHROOM FLOORS BE? If you’re missing the toilet, you’re doing something wrong. My guess is you’re trying too hard to reinvent the wheel. It’s a shit, not a choice. Get comfortable. Don’t think too much about it. That’s when things get weird….and it’s not like you’re not putting your purse on the floor.

Or does it rest in your lap as well? No fucking WAY….you lock your knees, balance a purse on your lap AND squeeze out a shit? How do you text message? How do you WIPE? Now I know why Chuck Berry was filming broads in the toilet. There’s wonders in there. I need a volunteer to explain how it all works before my curiosity forces me to do something illegal.

Handicap heroes and the squiggly line warning

2011-07-22T20:52:00.000-05:00

I’d like to know if there was an inspirational intent to characters in comic books that turned lemons into lemonade….well, not even really lemonade. Turned lemons into justice.

Take daredevil for instance.

Daredevil being able to live independently really is more than anyone would expect from a blind dude…and he not ONLY has an uncanny ability (due largely to his disability) to feel his surroundings out with aural sonar….but he USES that ability to keep people safe.

Fucking spider-man got bit by a fucking mega-spider. Sounds like a shitty day…yet instead of using it as an excuse to whine and be all emo, go on disability, park in handicapped spots….or on a lighter note to impress girls with his newfound powers, he fucks ONE SINGLE ginger broad and fights man lizards. It’s an inspiration. The most intriguing aspect of spider-man’s abilities is his “spidey sense.” To the best of my knowledge, (which consists of about 30-40 accumulative hours of spider-man comic reading) he knows when there’s danger by the appearance of 3-4 squiggly black lines above his head.

There’s not really a hint as to what that sensation feels like. Perhaps it’s similar to the symptoms of my recent ailment. Maybe it’s an intense itch in your asshole. Maybe I have spider powers and didn’t even know it. Or maybe it’s something different. Maybe the itch is telling me something else. It’s a calling. Look, daredevil does a lot more with a lot less than a danger sensing asshole. I CAN USE THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE. Forget the disheartening realization that it itches ALL THE TIME, that could just be it getting warmed up. I just need to train it to only itch when there’s trouble. Then again, if I could do that…I could probably just train it to not itch.

I guess that’s the question I have to ask myself. Do I want to trade in my gift just for the comfort of being unaware of impending danger? Would I prefer ignorant bliss and an itch free anus? Or should my discomfort be a sacrifice for the betterment of society? I’ll let you all know when I decide.

Bulimia and the power of marketing

2011-07-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

Food idea marketed to bulimics: tastes like barf going down but tastes GREAT when you barf it back up.

The bulimic ladies are a great market to go after because they’re hungry ALL THE TIME….then they eat, barf….empty stomach again. There’s no pace. It’s a vicious cycle to stay skinny….so what if you sold them a product that TASTES TERRIBLE….therefore punishes them to eat it….but then on the way back, when they decide to throw it up to keep their physique intact, it tastes amazing. I see that as DOUBLE encouragement.

1. Encourage them not to eat it in the first place cause it tastes bad.

2. Encourages them to vomit up what they did eat not only because they don’t want their body to process it but also because ON THE WAY BACK, IT TASTES GREAT!

If Joe camel markets cigarettes to kids…we could go a similar route for the bulimics and have a really skinny chick mascot. In my mind she has a long, cigarette holder and chin length black hair. The ads will be designed to make women feel bad about themselves physically. They won’t want to buy other food products that taste good out of fear they’ll eat too much of it. Think about it. Any financial backers interested in getting this project off the ground, you know where to find me.

COMIC PANTIES AND MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR PAYDIRT

2011-07-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

every time laura and i go shopping, i usually end up dragging her to the panties section to pick out a new pair. this is just something i enjoy. i like all kinds, so when she says things like “those don’t look comfortable” or “i’ll never wear those,” i don’t get discouraged. i just pick out different ones.

she probably has the largest collection of panties of any girl around because her boyfriend absolutely loves buying her new ones.

what bothers me is the lack of novelty panties.

you go to the men’s section……..you got superman, batman, star wars, coke, pepsi, mountain dew, family guy……you name it.

women’s panties? stripes. that’s really it.

would it kill ‘em to make some x-men panties like these……..

…..available to the general public? do you have any idea how much nerds like me would pay for those to be in our girlfriends’ wardrobe? these close-minded marketers think that only guys that geek out to wolverine are dudes without girlfriends……but guess what? WE DIDN’T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS 10 YEARS AGO…….BUT OUR ZITS ARE GONE NOW AND WE HAVE JOBS, MONEY AND CARS……..WE STILL HAVE A CONNECTION TO THOSE CHARACTERS……..WHICH IS WHY ALL THE GOD DAMN IRON MANS AND THORS AND GREEN LANTERN MOVIES YOU’RE CHURNING OUT SO QUICK ARE MAKING A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY……so you’re stupid not to plaster logos on anything you can…….

i’ve searched everywhere. you’re making it too difficult for me. i should be able to find them. i want to give you all of my money and you don’t want to take it from me. this makes you a fool. laura’s fine with stripes and solid colors….i’m the one who’s hurting here and i’ve given you fuckers so many years of loyalty. throw me a fucking bone.

Insuring and the preparation for the end of the world

2011-07-22T20:43:00.000-05:00

My job is to rent storage units. I sit in my office, and when someone wants a storage unit….I rent them one.

I have one customer who currently has four 20×30 foot storage units that he pays close to $900 a month to keep. The contents of these units are supplies he will need in case of an apocalypse…..non-perishable food items….things to make fire….tents….water….

Now, I guess my question would be: if you have spent THIS MUCH time and money into the preparation for the end of the world, are you rooting for it to actually happen?

I pay an outrageous amount of money for car insurance. Every 6 months I write a huge check with the HOPE that I won’t need the services of the company I’m paying. IF ALL GOES WELL, that was a complete waste of money….yet it’s the law, so it gets paid….but if you spent ALL of your free time….and close to 11,000 a year….on storing supplies so that you would be able to survive a disaster or a breakdown of civilization, wouldn’t you be DEVASTATED if you died in a hospital of old age and never needed any of it?

YOU ALSO MUST CONSIDER THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT YOUR STASH OF SURVIVAL SUPPLIES….in the event of an “every man for himself” all-out cluster fuck, are the people that know what you’re keeping back there a liability? Am I in danger for what I know? Or will my years of standing guard outside of his fortress of canned beans and bottled water allow me the opportunity to tag along to the mountains/caves with him? I will no doubt hear I told you so’s the whole way….but if the alternative is death via zombies/Nazis/Russians….I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with.

My loyal service certainly won’t be enough to keep me in his good graces in this nomad society we now live in. I will need a skill that is valuable. I must start learning to hunt with a stick or catch fish with my bare hands….this will certainly take YEARS to master….but in the end, will pay off when I’m the only one who can do it. After learning this skill though, I too will be hoping one day I get to use it….otherwise, what was the point? I coulda just stayed unprepared and ignorant and ate that many more jack in the box tacos. Besides, I know where that guy’s shit is and I’m closer to it than he is. I may be dumb and fat….but a foot race is alot easier to win if you get a decent head start…..even easier if you cheat.

I’d probably do OK in a post-apocalyptic world….but if I never have to find out, I’m fine with that too.

Exhibitionists and the fear of getting caught

2011-07-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

The idea of outdoor sex has always fascinated me. What has always curbed my desire to try it, however, is my crippling fear of someone seeing me naked. I like the IDEA of living dangerously a lot more than taking it on. Yet, when I see the dirty hitchhiker porno movies where she is bent over the front seat of a convertible, it looks like loads of fun. Exhibitionists try all kinds of crazy places…..alanis morisette blew Dave coulier in a movie theater….marky mark finger banged Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster…. the thrill of the act HEIGHTENED by the FEAR of GETTING CAUGHT…..but what if you’re like me and getting caught would prevent you from trying it? Shouldn’t all people be able to experience sex in crazy places?

Well, NOW YOU CAN!

Welcome to MIKE’S ADULT FUN PARK OF SEX EXPLORATION!

See….hotel rooms are used for both sleeping AND sex…..but at MIKE’S ADULT FUN PARK OF SEX EXPLORATION, you won’t have TIME to sleep because there are SO MANY FUN AND EXCITING AREAS TO BRING YOUR PARTNER TO FUCK IN…..

It’s all 100% private, whereas all rooms lock (and latch, if you so desire) to ensure complete privacy from other guests as well as staff. You may take as long as you like and be as loud as you’d like. There’s enough areas to fuck in that NO ONE will be looking at their watch…..

areas like…..

The naughty classroom…..

Jail……

Dodger stadium (with 3d technology that REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE!)

Jurassic park (bone on a stegosaurus)

A boat in a storm…..

On the beach…..

In the jungle…..

In a submarine…..

An old style saloon…..

A teepee…..

A bowling alley…..

Mcdonalds…..

Just out in the middle of the fucking street……

That goofy light up tree from avatar…..

An ice fisher’s shack…..

And MANY MORE!

Act now as availability is based on a first come first serve basis. You and your partner can experience all the fun of sex in weird places, without the fear of getting caught.

The excitement of making new friends and having sex with them

2011-07-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

Sex is a drug….a powerful, addictive one. Your supplier is arguably the most important person in your life. To even consider the possibility of “friends with benefits,” you first have to realize it’s going to end badly. That’s a guarantee. Cause honestly, what’s a pain free escape route? Name one. One of you is going to move on or one of you is going to start wanting more. Then the other is left without the drug they crave so desperately….withdrawals set in…..and you’re to blame.

A crackhead coming down has no one to blame….he either ran out of money or ran out of contacts….but you’re taking the sex from this addict….you think he/she’s just gonna go back to talking about the last episode of “grey’s anatomy?” TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF!

A few years ago, I briefly dated a girl I had met on the Internet. After 4-5 dates, I broke it off stating that it wasn’t fair to go any further because I was still actively pursuing my ex (who is soon to be my fiancé). The reply I got was an offer for casual sex to tide me over….an offer I politely declined…

There is nothing casual about sex. It’s probably the most personal thing two people can do….and the power a repeated supplier possesses doesn’t just go away.

I remember trying “friends with benefits” once in high school. It was a really good friend of mine and I’m pretty sure it remained a secret long after it was over. It might even still be a secret. I just know it lasted a month and I was the one who wanted more. I think I was the one who wanted more before there was any. I had hoped the physical contact and the spending time with each other would make her want to be with me. I was auditioning for a girlfriend. It was pathetic. That’s not saying it won’t work for you, friend….just my experiences. Just know though: if you’re fine with it, chances are the person you’re with is trying to trick you into falling in love with them. Have fun.

Amazon and Pedophiles

2011-07-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

the hot button issue on all the talk shows the last few weeks has been the self published kiddy toucher book that was being sold on amazon.

first they went after amazon…….and it raised a lot of first amendment issues about whether they should be in the business of banning books…….and then once amazon removed the book, they moved on to it’s author, philip ray greaves, who was arrested in florida over the weekend on obscenity charges.

although i am a firm believer in our first amendment rights to say whatever the fuck we want, i am outraged at the existence of this book for 2 reasons.

one is the obvious, pc reason…..to even PUT ENOUGH THOUGHT into mollesting children to take the time and dedication to compile an entire book of how-to guides for it shows a sick, sick man. i know how difficult it is to write a book and see it through from conception to finalizing it…….it’s a VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS……and to take that energy and drive and focusing it NOT ONLY on a sex crime…….but a sex crime AGAINST CHILDREN, is inexcusable.

having said that, the real outrage i have is in the simplicity of the subject matter. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU NEED A HOW-TO GUIDE ON HOW TO RAPE KIDS? IS THERE ANYONE DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT BE ABLE TO FIGURE THAT OUT?

step 1: find a kid with a misguided trust in you

step 2: exploit that trust

step 3: rape

step 4: tell them not to tell anyone

THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVER CONSIDERED WHAT CHILD MOLLESTATION WOULD CONSIST OF AND IT TOOK LONGER TO TYPE THAN TO FORMULATE THE PLAN. IF YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO READ A BOOK TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TRICK A KID INTO TOUCHING YOUR WEINER, YOU’RE WAY TOO DUMB NOT GET CAUGHT. THEY’RE KIDS! THEY’RE STUPID! IF YOU HAVE TO READ A BOOK TO GET THE ADVANTAGE ON THEM, YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME……STRAP A BOMB TO YOURSELF, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF SOMETHING REALLY HIGH UP, JUMP OFF OF IT, WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT HALFWAY DOWN: DETONATE YOURSELF. WAIT…….YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO FIGURE OUT THE COMPLEXITIES OF EXPLOSIVES……BETTER YET…..JUST TURN YOUR CAR ON IN THE GARAGE AND WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. just call someone and tell them you’re attracted to kids now before you hurt anyone. you’re not going to get away with it…..or date a midget. would that work? is it the danger or the whole……..little……..thing? cause midgets have all the little things you like……plus it’s legal to fuck them. believe me. i’ve watched midget porn on the internet and the cops haven’t questioned me about it ONCE.

and you out there that are smart enough to figure out on your own how to get away with kiddy touching: why aren’t you fucking midgets too? seriously. i’ve seen “heat” a dozen times. BANK ROBBERY DOESN’T LOOK THAT HARD. but we’re on the honor system here. we can’t go doing everything we read about or see on tv. some of us just need to play by the rules. i know kids are easy to rape……so are women if you really think about it……but it’s the wrong thing to do. there are plenty of consenting adults that will have sex with you. i know there are. the internet is full of sick freaks who get off on all kinds of weird shit. just play by the rules. have a safe word. tie a girl up…..role play…..whatever, man….it’s your rodeo. but just because you know HOW to do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it.

“chapter 2: the best candies to offer”

Ladies of the night and the perks of the job

2011-07-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Most jobs of note have the common practice of giving experienced employees pay raises. After all, with time at your position, you become a well oiled machine….producing your product with skill a precision, therefore it only makes sense that as your output steps up, so does your pay. Most companies make efforts to keep their tenured employees happy with perks like added vacation or benefits….more responsibilities….maybe a bigger office….

When considering prostitutes in this scenario, I have 2 trains of thought.

Experience is not necessarily a good thing. Of course when I say this, I may be looking at it from a girlfriend point of view instead of what it is….sex for hire. Do you want a pro? Even if this is someone I’m paying to have one sexual encounter with, wouldn’t I want it to be someone who hasn’t been in the game long? At the same time, if you’re paying for a service….don’t you want the best?

Do prostitutes get raises? Do you give enough $20 blow jobs that you graduate to $30 blow jobs? Does word of mouth (no pun intended) get around that Sparkles does quality work to a point where demand increases….therefore she’s able to raise the price? Or does it have the opposite effect? If you hear she blew the guy you’re talking to, does that make the price go down? Again, girlfriend rules applicable, if a friend of your’s banged them, doesn’t that make them off limits? It isn’t just man code…it’s Eskimo brothers….putting it where someone you know already blazed the trail….it’s just weird.

Is this a juvenile way of looking at this? Who do you ask? I have questions.

CAPES AND TIES

2011-07-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve never understood capes. With the exception of batman,
who uses his to glide when jumping off tall buildings and
shit…no cape really serves a practical purpose. Neither do ties,
come to think of it. What does a tie do? It gets caught in
machinery….it makes your neckline tighter and less
comfortable….but what is the positives of the tie? At some point,
someone started wearing a tie….everyone thought he was an idiot
until people started copying the style….it became a trend and now
for hundreds of years we walk around with colorful strips of silk
tied around our fucking neck. It really leads me to believe that
the right person can change the world’s thinking over time if they
do something radical enough to get noticed….cause people are
sheep. They see superman in a cape and think: “my fucking hero
needs a cape.” before long, the villains are wearing
capes….everyone’s got one….and no one stops to ask: what is the
practical purpose of this cape? My best example: Mr. Sinister.

His cape doesn’t blow in the wind. His cape doesn’t help him glide. Mr. Sinister
can’t even fly. You want to know the sad part? Mr. Sinister doesn’t
even have an alter ego. Superman puts on a suit and tie and acts
like Clark Kent some time. Batman probably wears silk pajamas at
night when he’s getting ready to bang Vicky Vale. Sinister wakes up
every morning and has to put on that elaborate, skin tight, blue
body suit with the spidery cape….I guess just to be scary
looking. Think there’s mornings he wakes up and questions his life
decisions? Maybe he shoulda been Mr. Snuggy. No one is that
committed to a persona that there aren’t sweat pants days. How
would you even poop with a cape on? Do you flip it up over your
head? I generally take my shirt off in fear it’ll drop into the
danger zone. At the very LEAST it would drag on the floor of the
bathroom stall, which in public places could be much more
disgusting than some of the places you chase the penguin around
Gotham. Does he clean his bat suit? What do you clean it with? You
should smell my hockey stuff. It smells terrible….and I haven’t
fought a single villain in it. Simply sweat. Can you imagine all
the toxins the joker and poison ivy have thrown on that
thing….the smell that would create…. But ties. Honestly, what
purpose do they serve?

KATHY IRELAND AND A ROLL OF SCOTCH TAPE

2010-10-08T19:43:00.000-05:00

i remember my friend tim used to cut kathy ireland's head out of k-mart ads on sundays and draw cartoon naked bodies to tape them to. i believe the asking price for one of these masterpieces was 50 cents. i never ponied up and i'll tell you why: 1 had a decent imagination.....and 2, my dad is a long time playboy subscriber.

i'm sure it was a case of "boys being boys," which only frightens me about the future. this was the early 90's. back then, dudes had to either steal playboys from their dads or ACTUALLY TALK TO GIRLS.....WHICH AT THAT AGE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. nowadays, all you gotta do is type "boobs" or "naked" into a google search and the WHOLE WORLD is out in front of you. moderation only does so much and i guarentee "safe search" will turn up more than i ever had as a kid. kids don't need to be creative any more......they don't need to use k-mart ads or close their eyes and imagine anything......it's just there.

the other day, laura and i were having a conversation about "jungle fever." within 20 seconds, i was able to find a black guy ramming a 20 inch donger in a black chick's ass. it was that fast.

i didn't have to look at it in the tool shed in the back yard....taking turns with jarrod cardinal and jeremy griener.

there's nothing stopping you from just FINDING EVERYTHING. IT'S ALL JUST THERE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LEVEL OF DOUCHEBAGS WE'RE CREATING BY PUTTING EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER IN THEIR HANDS WITHIN 20 SECONDS?

ANYONE WITH AN IPHONE ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOWS "WHO'S THIS PLAYING ON THE RADIO?" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE! WASN'T FINDING OUT PART OF THE FUN? DIDN'T YOU DISCOVER MORE SHIT YOU ENJOYED IN THE PROCESS OF FINDING WHAT IT WAS YOU WERE INITIALLY LOOKING FOR? ONE OF THE FUNNEST NIGHTS I REMEMBER WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SINGS "THINKIN' BOUT YOU" IN MY APARTMENT. (it's london beat, by the way.)

the death of the album can be attributed to this......not illegal downloading...but LEGAL downloading. you discovered the album cuts that the artist poured his heart and soul into when you were drawn in by the commercial fluff they put out to get your attention.

i love the smashing pumpkins. the snarly scraggle toothed guy singing "today" made me want to check them out.....but mayonnaise, rocket and silverfuck are the tracks that get the most plays on my ipod. i needed "today" to get there, and if itunes was around then...i probably never would have listened to the rest of it and found 3 of my favorite songs in the world. in today's world, the pumpkins would be "fastball." you know....."where were they going without ever knowing the way?" AND TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, THEY PROBABLY ARE.

tapes almost forced you to listen to all the songs. it was too big of a hassle to fast forward/rewind/flip it over.....and i'm better for that experience. WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE IF I ONLY KNEW "CAN'T TOUCH THIS" AND COULDN'T BELT OUT "HAVE YOU SEEN HER" ON CUE?

the JOURNEY, GOD DAMN IT! I KNOW I SOUND LIKE AN OLD "BACK IN MY DAY" FUCK.....BUT IT'S THE FUCKING TRUTH.

it's great that we have all this technology. i love having wikipedia. but we've gotten to the point where everything is a click away and the only thing that can hold a kid's attention is a guy that names his abs or a coke head with a cute dog in her purse. normal people saying rational things just doesn't do the trick any more....and if you grow up watching stupid.....you think stupid's cool. SO THEN IF STUPID'S COOL.....EVERYONE WILL ATTEMPT TO PROVE THEY'RE THE STUPIDEST.....ONE DOWNING ONE ANOTHER UNTIL WE'RE ALL FORCED TO WATCH GEORGE LOPEZ. THAT'LL BE ALL THERE IS.......

channels about food....
channels about kicking eachother in the balls........
paula abdul selling cheap jewelry on qvc........
kate gosselin and lisa rinna both having their own reality shows........
shows about former pro-wrestlers' butch, manly daughters strutting around with too much make-up on........
shows about washed up, wig wearing one hit wonder 80's hair metal singers rangling a bunch of whores and choosing one to mate with....while in the process mating with all the rest of them and singing "every rose has it's thorns" in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.......

and george fucking lopez.

that's the future, guys. that's where we're heading. thank god we're not there yet.

magneto and the failures of storytelling

2010-08-01T01:09:00.000-05:00

the perks of pecs and the power of the sun

2010-07-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

murdering chevy chase and my dad's green rain coat

2010-07-24T19:30:00.000-05:00

elite parking and the jetsons sideways escalator

2010-07-23T01:59:00.000-05:00

Going country and the dolphins making me cry

2010-05-28T15:32:00.001-05:00

It has been noted that country fans are now the only people buying records. With this revelation, artists* like Darius rucker** Jessica Simpson*** and my jewel have all taken a dumbing down approach to songwriting (or in Jessica simpson's case....song selection). The idea is to fall in line and sound more like everyone else in an attempt to regain relevance. What you would imagine would happen is the community would see this as an insincere attempt to cash in....especially if you check the jewel timeline and see her first failed attempt at reinventing herself as a bimbo pop artist (0304 era). Fortunately for them, country radio and fans embrace turning minor celebrities to the dark side. Darius rucker is currently opening for one of the top guys in the biz (whatever a brad paisley is) and Jessica simpson's parlayed a successful country album into another awful reality show.
So what we've learned from this is if your career in music has gone to shit, you have two options....go country or collaborate with timbaland. Ask Chris Cornell how that one worked out for him.

*I use that term loosely.
**who before that tried his hand at selling burger king chicken sandwiches
***who tried a shitty reality show and a few shorty movies before coming back to shorty music

Life without windows and toilets

2010-05-25T17:06:00.001-05:00

I was thinking alot about mega man today. Do those guys just sit in
rooms with no windows and one door waiting for him to come kill them?
If air man kills mega man, does he call heat man to tell him to go
about his life or does heatman just sit in that room until he
eventually dies? Where's the bathroom? How does snake man take a shit?
If they want to leave their themed domain to hang out with dr. Wiley,
do they have to fight their way out from all the bomb bats or angry
indestructible slinky monsters....or are they all friends? Henchmen?
Bodyguards? Are they PROTECTING him from mega man (who, lets be
honest...is invading their home) or is their common goal just to get
him there and make him dead? If he teleports to these locations upon
his own free will, why doesn't he just go teleport into dr. Wiley's
bedroom? Is mega man's goal just absolute destruction of all robots
except him?

How does he extract bad guys' powers? Is he pulling it out of their
ass? Doesn't his original form compared to some of his upgrades prove
what a superior engineer Wiley is to dr. Light? Is that what this is
all about? Is mega man busting up wiley's shit cause light's jealous?
Those platform rockets could come in handy.

It's really just a fluke that he makes it through all those bosses.
Ultimately, he's a gay little boy in spandex wearing a bike helmet and
an arm cannon. It seems a tremendous waste of time to wait around in
an empty room to fight him.....especially with no window.

Agiminera and the clone war

2010-05-22T13:13:00.001-05:00

Every band That has ever become remotely popular has seen many similar acts pop up to try to leech off that success. For every nirvana, there's a bush....for every nickelback, there's a theory of a deadman....for every maroon 5 or coldplay, there's a million other pussy bands like onerepublic or keane to get signed to attempt to steal some of that thunder.* no one has been more successful at the cloning process, however, than Christina aguilera. In the late 90's/early 2000's....Britney spears was all the rave. Eventually, the clones started pouring in....Mandy Moore.....Jessica Simpson....and most notably, Christina aguilera. She genie in a bottled her way to the top of the charts by playing the "cute little blonde chick in jeans" role....then when Britney went slut.....Christina soon followed. After a while, they settled into seperate careers....one went nuts/got married twice/shaved her head....one took some time out of the spotlight and did a direct
tv commercial.

Then lady gaga hit. One part Madonna....one part Cher....one part transexual burlesque show....the god damn chick was weird. Is she super talented? No. But she's insanely creative and her songs are catchy.

So Christina aguilera showed her true colors and did it again. The chameleon of pop music assumed the identity of what is now the trend. She decided "I was Britney....I can be lady gaga now too" and put out the ironically titled "not myself tonight." have you ever been yourself, Christina? Do you even know what that means?

The saddest part is: she's 10x more gifted than the people she replicates....and in most cases, the musical style doesn't lend itself to her big voice. ANYONE can sing this shit with all the processing and auto-tuning channels it runs through....but BITCH CAN SING, man....for some reason though, she has chosen not to showcase that....

Listen to how that sounds. THAT WOULD BE LIKE GEORGE CARLIN, ARGUABLY THE GREATEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN OF ALL-TIME, SAYING "YES. MY MATERIAL IS BRILLIANT, EDGY AND FUCKING HILARIOUS....BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO VIDEO TAPE ANDREW DICE CLAY'S NURSERY RHYMES AND MEMORIZE THEM SO I CAN DO THAT INSTEAD.

Is it the same thing? No. Would christina's original music be any good?probably not. But in a WORLD OF AUTO-TUNE AND REALLY AWFUL KINDA RAP VALLEY GIRL SHIT** if you CAN actually sing, is that something to be ashamed of? It's not like you're writing anything anyway, christina.....Take off that silly mask, put on a mini-skirt and do something original....for once in your god damn life...even if that means telling your writers/managers/handlers "I'm tired of doing other peoples' act. I've got talent and a fanbase. Let's try something new."

*I'm not saying any of those first bands are terribly original...just saying coldplay made pussy rock popular at a time pussy rock wasn't popular. Everyone borrows from somewhere. Music's formula is pretty well set.

**I'm looking at you, Kesha. Your shit sounds like the first five seconds of sir mix alot's "baby got back" mixed with kangaroos raping eachother's mouths. Please die in a fire.

Uppity broads and the key to mike's heart

2010-04-23T13:13:00.001-05:00

I don't like people. Chances are, faithful reader....I don't like you. I've never been a warm guy. That doesn't mean I wish you ill will.....it doesn't mean I won't engage in pleasant conversation with you....it just means if I had a choice between sitting home and playing with myself or interacting with you in a social situation, 999 times out of 1,000* I'd choose the former.

Having said this, I'm aware that as a person....you're required to link yourself to multiple people to go eat food or see movies with. For some reason it has been established that things like that are meant to be done in packs. What's important in assembling a pack of folks to eat food and see movies with is to find a group that doesn't annoy the fuck out of you and on occasion, really entertains and/or interests you. The PROBLEM with this process is to take into account that YOUR pack has their OWN pack. Very rarely is there a closed pack where no one has outside ties....unfortunately, this means most of the time there's gonna be shitheads at your table eating food with you that you're gonna like even less than YOUR shitheads.

Just to give you an example: in my lifetime, I've liked 4 1/4** of my packs' girlfriends....that's having multiple hockey teams and countless friends/acquaintences. This is probably less than a 10% average. I don't dislike females. I like females very much. I get along with most of the females I meet....it just seems like my friends have poor taste. It's not their fault....they chose to be friends with me. I don't judge....not out loud...but that's the game you play....you roll the dice and hope the people you associate with choose their associations well. Sometimes you get a Jesse or a Scroggins or nick fucking Hughett.....other times you get something completely different.***

*the 1 time would be if I had already spanked it the other 999 times....my dick would be tired.

**I'm still convinced one of chris dick's girlfriends had multiple personalities. One of the 4 was alot fun.

***I'm not going to bash anyone and I'm not going to defend my "uppity broad" remark either. I hope everyone is smart enough to know this isn't about one person and might just be for entertainment purposes.

Killing me sweetly and the mystery of "your"

2010-03-28T12:18:00.001-05:00

As a society, I think we're finished. I'm listening to my iPod and the
Scott weiland song "killing me sweetly" comes on. Is it the greatest
song ever? No....but I enjoy it. That's not what this is about.

I'm thinking...hmmm....the lyrics are fairly straightforward but
perhaps it's about something completely different or someone has a
different interpretation....so I go to "songmeanings.com" and read the
lyrics....I was shocked at what I found.

A WEBSITE WITH SONG LYRICS TRANSCRIBED CAN NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BEETWEEN "YOU'RE" and "YOUR." even scarier than that....multiple times
they included the line "I can't find away." AWAY?!?!?!?!? are you
fucking KIDDING ME?!?!?! we're done. It's over. It's one thing to see
people on Twitter spelling shit wrong....but LEGIT WEBSITES
TRANSCRIBING SONG LYRICS? Stephanie meyer and jk Rowling are the
biggest 2 names in literature in the last 10 years....and they write
books on a 4TH GRADE READING LEVEL! ARE WE TO ASSUME THIS IS JUST A
COINCIDENCE?!?!?!?! is the next Stephen king novel going to be titled
"WEREWOLVES LOL:)" we're going to need things that are "so easy a
caveman can do it." that's where we're headed.

It's over.

ARCHIVE: snickers cannons and intergalactic space racism

2009-11-12T12:48:00.001-06:00

the other day i was off work and i just happened to run across a story on cnn that a gay and lesbian activist group was protesting snickers bars because their latest commercial is "homophobic." immediately i went to youtube to see this homophobic commercial for myself....

the commercial features a feminine speedwalker guy in little short shorts and a headband walking down the street.......out of nowhere, mr. t appears in a large army vehicle and begins shooting snickers bars at the man, claiming speedwalking is for sissies and he should be RUNNING like a REAL man. the man runs and mr. t yells out their new catchphrase....."get some nuts!" .....a double-triple-quadruple entendra if i've ever heard one.

so the way i look at it, and tell me if i'm wrong......why is that homophobic? i'll go a step further, isn't it MORE HOMOPHOBIC to make the jump to assume this man is gay? he isn't blowing anyone......he isn't holding any dudes' hands.......the guy's speedwalking. one of their last protests was rappers using the word "fag" as an insult to straight men who were being unmanly.....so is it the word or is it that they're using THEIR LIFESTYLE AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE AS THE BASIS TO INSULT SOMEONE? i would assume that's what it is.......so then to assume that just because this guy is being unmanly, that's their basis for assuming he's gay. AREN'T THEY KIND OF DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THEY TOLD EMINEM AND BUSTA RHYMES AND ALL THEM NOT TO DO? i don't think mr. t cared if the guy was gay or not....i think mr. t just had a fucking snickers bar gun and was looking for an excuse to shoot it at someone.

dude....do you think i'd be sitting here ranting about gay protests on cnn if i had a snickers bar gun? i'd be in your driveway right now honking the fucking horn......AND I HAVE A JOB! mr. t doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO, and he has a snickers bar gun loaded up with snickers bars. do you think he's doing investigations to determine sexual preference before he's blasting snickers bars at people? he's some kind of gay basher trying to rectify the evils of homosexuality by delivering delicious peanut, caramel and chocolate missles to them at high speeds? I HATE YOU! HERE'S A FUCKING CANDY BAR!

in the same half hour, they also discussed a story where a board of directors in texas got upset and demanded an apology because the commisioner referred to their unorganized paperwork situation as a "black hole." apparently the meeting could not continue until an apology was made......which the commisioner refused to give......because that would be the stupidest apology ever. he said "i'm not going to apologize because i was speaking of the science term." WHY CAN'T IT BE A PINK HOLE? OR A YELLOW HOLE?

cause the fucking things ARE BLACK! if he said the paperwork was A YELLOW HOLE......NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

the news reporters interviewed the guy at the end of the segment (which i have the youtube links for both at the bottom) in which he asked why devil's food cake is brown and angel's food cake is white........why the black sheep of the family is the bad one.......and then said "if i'm talking about being cheap and i say i'm gonna jew you down.....is that racist?"

well, yeah.......it is. similar to if i say "oh.....the black guy is 20 minutes late. he's on CPT." yes.....that is a statement regarding someone's ethnicity......although both stereotypes are based observations that stem from witnessing this type of behavior from a large group of one particular group......they're still including every member of an ethnicity in a group of cheap people or late people....which yes, is a bit racist....

.....but referring to the color spectrum to discuss objects......how can that be considered racist? i think we've all agreed that referring to someone as "black" or "white" is pretty much the norm.......but are we supposed to ignore that there are other things out there that also are these colors? if i say i don't like black jellybeans (which isn't true.....i LOVE black jellybeans) will a black person take offense to that? if the oakland raiders come to town, are all of the black people in the stands going to root for them as opposed to the hometown blue/yellow guys? if i decide my walls shouldn't all be white and i want to add some color to them.....do i suddenly have jungle fever? and if i'm saying things like "my walls need color," is mr. t gona shoot me with his candy cannon?

the hole is black, you fucking moron.....just cause you are also black doesn't mean you have to stick up for it.

the world has gone crazy. it's just one minority group after another finding something to rally against.....and it's annoying. DO NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE OR YOUR ETHNICITY. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. SOMEONE ELSE BEING ATTRACTED TO DUDES DOES NOT MAKE YOU BROTHERS. I KNOW LOTS OF STRAIGHT, WHITE GUYS......AND IF SOME STRAIGHT WHITE GUY GETS WRONGED BY SOMEONE IN SOME WAY.....YOU DEFINATELY WON'T SEE ME RIOTING THE STREETS OF ST. LOUIS......I'LL BE AT WORK THE NEXT DAY TRYING TO PAY MY BILLS.....AND FOR SNICKERS BARS.....cause they're delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkT_d2OTgv0&feature=youtube_gdata

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc1zGRUPztc&feature=youtube_gdata

megan phelps and the twitter war

2009-11-08T20:35:00.000-06:00

the westboro baptist church recently protested hazelwood central high school....my old stomping grounds. i was CURIOUS WHY, but they don't really tell you why.....they just begin screaming bible shit at you and tell you there's perverts in the building. well, sure......there's perverts in EVERY BUILDING.

ANYWAY, I POSTED A PICTURE OF MY BUDDY ROY AT THE RALLY....

http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

AND MAGICALLY, GOT MY WISH.....A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE "GOD HATES FAGS" FAMILY THAT WOULD ANSWER ALL OF MY QUESTIONS..........OR WOULD SHE?

(FOR YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER, WHEN IT SAYS @SHOWZAH...THAT MEANS SHE'S TALKING TO ME. WHEN IT SAYS @CRAZYBITCH, THAT MEANS I'M TALKING TO HER.)

@showzah Thanks for publishing our picket; way to add some relevant points to the discussion! (shakes head) RT http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

@meganphelps I was trying to figure out what you wackos were protesting. Is it just random hate/crap or do you have a process for selecting?

@meganphelps ummmm....hey there. I really am curious what the protest was about.

@meganphelps if you're "spreading god's word," you're doing a crappy job. Answer questions.

@meganphelps your dumb website just has lyrics to your dumb song. That's not an explanation. It's a parody. A JOKE. what's the protest FOR?

@showzah Have u seen my timeline? I answer lots of ?s; there's just a lot of them - gotta prioritize! What picket r u asking about again?

@meganphelps hazelwood central/Florissant, MO. If you're passionate enough to fly out here, isn't telling the people here why a high priority?

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE A CHARACTER LIMIT...SO I DON'T REALLY GET TO BE VERY ARTICULATE. TWITTER'S KIND OF DUMB.

@showzah Uh huh -- that's why we issue press releases. See how that works? =) http://tiny.cc/BqpwA

@meganphelps bible jargon and vague nonsense. That doesn't tell me anything. God hates the school...great. WHY does god hate the school?

@showzah He hates u 4 teaching kids rebellion: that it's ok 2 b gay, 2 fornicate, 2 murder babies - tho God says He'll curse u 4 those sins!

@showzah You're not seriously denying that, are you? Anyone w. a single brain cells knows that under the headings of "diversity" &

@showzah "tolerance," you promote what God hates. In this generation, you're a freak if you're not having sex by the time you're 14 or so.

@showzah CNN published a story showing that 25% of girls 14 to 19 have STD's. & if u say 1 word to suggest that it's not a great idea to be

@showzah a fag (in violation of God's clear standard, for which He promises to cure you), you're "homophobic" & "hateful." You've flipped

@showzah every standard on its head, such that "good" is now "evil" & vice versa. See Isa 5:20: "woe unto you!" i.e. God hates you for that!

@meganphelps do you even know specifics or do you follow Freddy blindly? This is a script you're reading from.

@meganphelps are you allowed to think for yourself or are you a scripted customer service rep of hate?

@meganphelps I'm really glad you guys are out in public and not at home breeding. That can be your gift to the world.

@meganphelps you're not replying to my questions, woman. You're throwing out your pre-written talking points. TALK NORMAL!

@showzah I did to! WE PICKET TO WARN YOU: YOUR JOB IS TO OBEY GOD! YOU AREN'T DOING IT! HE'LL CURSE YOU FOR THAT! How much plainer can I be?

@meganphelps how do you know anyone's relationship with god? You don't talk to people. You talk AT them. Shake hands. Have a chat.

@meganphelps the Mormons knock on doors....ride little bikes....hand out pamphlets....you guys' methods are a bit tacky in comparison.

@meganphelps I'm no fan of Mormons or anything.....just sayin'

@showzah U don't know that we talk to ppl a LOT, bc u don't talk to us; you rant & pretend not to understand simple concepts, which gets

@showzah the conversation exactly NOWHERE. U wanna talk methods? Read Jude (a short book; I memorized it, so don't pretend u can't do it!).

@meganphelps you're calling me a "ranter?" boy are YOU a CRACKPOT calling the kettle black. i understand the concept just fine. it's simple.

@meganphelps the concept is this: you think you're right. everyone thinks they're right...you're just pushy and crazy...so you're noticed.

@meganphelps but OUT-LOUD-ING someone doesn't win an argument. having a good point does...and if you don't have words of your own, how can

@meganphelps you argue? by quoting OTHER PEOPLES' WORDS....it's just silly. you're silly. a silly woman with a washed mind. grow up.

@meganphelps get yourself a nice dress. read a mystery novel or something. eat a cheeseburger. live YOUR life...

@meganphelps ever see free willy? little kid and a whale. good movie. rent it. i bet you cry. it gets you. i'm telling you...it gets you.

@meganphelps i hope it's internet shorthand and you do know the difference between too/to/two. were you all home schooled?

@meganphelps shouldn't those poor kids you drag around be in school? you're not teaching them english, are you?

@meganphelps i guess in the world of phelps, all you need is to learn how to copy and paste though, right?

@showzah What can I say? 140-character limits suck! Public school. Graduated w/BBA in Finance (4.0). None of it matters if u don't obey God.

@meganphelps i understand the 140-character limit and i'll take your word for it. you're not going to watch free willy, are you?

@showzah Unlikely. =) I remember starting it when I was little, but it didn't hold my attn, so I didn't finish it. I'm way more of a reader!

SHE MIGHT BE DONE WITH ME AFTER I RECOMMENDED FREE WILLY....A FILM IN WHICH A GAY WHALE KIDNAPS A SMALL BOY.....I HOPE IT WAS A GOOD READ FOR YOU GUYS. I'M STILL HERE.....JUST NOT AS FRISKY AS I USED TO BE.

HUGS AND KISSES,

MIKE

God's belly and other Indian favorites

2009-08-22T14:30:00.001-05:00

I was Dicking around on facebook and found a religeon id never heard of, panentheism. I've alway been interested in organized religeon, so I looked it up.

Apparently, panentheism is big with the Indians and is the belief that we live in god's belly. (in a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.) basically, everything is god and we're living in everything....so we're living inside of god.

I guess I can buy into that. Sure. God, who is everything.....created everything....including us....out of everything else. He's not Santa. He's not a spooky puppetmaster or magic cloud wizard....he's everything. He's my phone and my Ginger ale and my car....which was built out of raw materials that are also god....I like that one. God's not up there watching everyone through his crystal ball and calling his bouncer to tell him who is and who isn't invited to his tea party....he's down here....in the form of everything. He's the lamp by my bed that watches me Jack off....he's the 90 year old Asian lady that drives 10 under the speed limit....he's Eric fucking Roberts. God is in all of us....and we are all in him....and on him....especially nick hughett.

naps and cheers

2009-08-19T00:26:00.001-05:00

i have never really been able to nap. i don't really know why this is. laura can nap any time she wants and i just fucking can't. i try. it just doesn't work. as i've gotten older, i've gone to bed earlier and woken up earlier....but if there's a night i stay up much later, i still get up right around 9. i then can't nap later in the day. once i'm up, i'm up.

i have one of the most boring jobs in the world and there's never really been a time where i almost fell asleep or anything......yet i basically slept all the way through high school and my brief attempt at college. those were the years where i was physically fit, young and horny. most of my classes had at least one girl i would like to see naked......not to mention an old man/woman attempting to teach me something that in some cases might be useful......yet i would generally sleep 2-3 hours a day at school...the only real time i ever napped.

the only thing that has changed is 50 lbs. and the likelihood of me having sex. i can't imagine i'm staying awake on the off chance laura taps me on the shoulder and demands penis........and i can't imagine that i was sleeping in geometry because none of the cheerleaders were "ra-ra-ree, suckin' on me d."

so why then? why could i nap so easily when it was necessary that i stay awake and learn......yet when it's a tuesday, i have nothing to do but eat, shit and watch tv....i can't fucking sleep past 9:30? does my body hate me? does my sleepytime regulator not want me to be happy? if i'm more sloth-like in my fat, old shell of my high school self......wouldn't mid-day snoozes be easier to achieve? it's not hereditary because my dad naps 7-14 times a day. do i need drugs? sheep? the sleep number bed? or do i need one of those little desks with the chair attached to it? is that how i'm going to get naps? do i need to pay for community college classes to get some fucking sleep? maybe i used up all my naps when i didn't need them and i'm being karma-fucked like chris was for complaining about getting too many blowjobs. maybe my classroom snoozes are me being KARMA-FUCKED like sarah bothering us for years about going to the fucking GOLDEN CORRAL for years only to go there and have EXTREMELY SHITTY FOOD! MAYBE KARMA IS FUCKING ME FOR TAKING HIGH SCHOOL LIGHTLY BY MAKING ME STAY AWAKE THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIT SHIFT AT MY SHIT JOB THAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF MY SHIT ATTITUDE.

...or maybe i just slept through school cause i was up 'til 3 or 4 in the morning jacking off. maybe there's no change but i sleep more regularly now. who knows?

Minesweeper and the degradation of quality free time activities

2009-08-10T17:11:00.001-05:00

I used to spend my free time doing creative things like writing....drawing.....making goofy songs about Clayton trying to sell nick knife sets....now I listen to the radio and play fucking bejeweled....either that or try to talk Laura into sex....none of which is getting me anywhere.....except the sex....that's good times.....

I just miss the days when I had the drive to create something. We used to attempt to make movies....I used to attempt to write stories and screenplays and anything else that popped into my head....

I don't have that drive any more. I've become a guy that sits at his desk, looking out the window and waiting for 6:00 to roll around so I can go eat/buy toilet paper/whack off/whatever uninteresting thing I have on my agenda for that day. It's sad. My creative mind has been pummeled into mush by the typical day of sitting in this fucking chair with nothing but Howard stern and cell phone games.

I'm not saying that I had brilliant ideas....
I'm not saying I was talented at my work when it came to writing or art....
I'm just saying I had a DESIRE to MAKE those things....good or bad....and that desire is GONE. My life seems so unimportant without artistic expression. Before, it almost seemed like if I died, someone would find my notebooks of half finished stories and say "damn, mike should've finished this."

Right now, it seems like the only 2 questions that would be asked are

1. Who gets my computer?
And 2. Who would cover my work hours the rest of the week?

It makes me sick to know that I know the names of Eric Harris and Dylan klebold, but none of the names of the 13 people they killed. Same goes for that little fucking douchebag at Virginia tech that killed 32 people, cho chun chi lee yu wing pak or whatever the fuck his name was. We had 3 solid weeks of hearing all about his life on every news station there is. Ultimately, it all boils down to your impact on the lives of the people around you. The more of an impact you have, the more of a difference you've made in the world....which lasts as your legacy.

As I've been sitting here bummed out that my creative days are long gone....I've wondered how I can have a lasting legacy on the world. I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to be a celebrity....but I do have a message that the world should hear....and I believe if this blog were broadcast on television in between news of whoever obama's shaking hands with and whatever idiot killed their baby or crashed their car....if we put this up on Karen foss' TelePrompTer, I could better the lives of EVERYONE WHO HEARS IT.....

My message is simple: if you have a choice at the bank of getting behind a car or getting behind a minivan, ALWAYS....and I DO MEAN ALWAYS....get behind the car. 999 times out of 1000, it will be faster.

I hope you can get my message out to as many people as possible. The guy that shot all the women at that gym's blogs weren't even close to as helpful as that. I'm adding minutes to your life....and what'd he do? Whine that he hadn't gotten laid since 1990? I'm the ugliest dude I know (well....2nd ugliest. There's a guy I know in Springfield much uglier) and there's always SOMEONE that'll throw you a pity fuck. There's some desperate fat chicks that'll do all kinds of crazy stuff....a 19 year drought sounds like someone is a little too picky. Not everyone can fuck Heidi klumm.....only really sexy guys like seal can hook up with hotties like that.

Back to bejeweled.....maybe I'll do a podcast tonight. Maybe I'll eat edy's ice cream and watch the oxygen network....I guess the future is looking brighter every moment.

Tantric and exits

2009-08-08T12:53:00.001-05:00

How many band members are allowed to leave a band before they're not really that band any more? More importantly: can a band like queen really go out on tour and pretend to be queen when their singer (and only actual queen) has died? Who wants to see Paul Rodgers do queen karaoke for 2 hours? Who wants to see a little Korean kid sing journey songs?

The funny thing about journey is, they're HEADLINING tours with the likes of heart, cheap trick, foreigner....WITH SOME GUY THEY FOUND ON FUCKING YOUTUBE. SO THE ORIGINAL LINEUP OF HEART GOES OUT AND PLAYS THEIR HITS....then a 20-something year old kid goes up there and pretends to be steve Perry....it's like some kind of joke.

I don't think any of the guys in lynyrd skynyrd are original members....wait....looked it up....I'm wrong....rhythm guitar player and keyboardist are the same.....still not lynyrd skynyrd......lynyrd skynyrd died in a fucking plane crash.

It's weird though...cause some of them I give a pass to. Alice in chains is touring and recording a new album without layne....Jerry cantrell was the primary song writer and did half the singing....so I would say Alice in chains is still aloud to be Alice in chains.

TANTRIC on the other hand, was formed from the 3 guys in days of the new that Travis meeks fired.....so TANTRIC was 3/4 more days of the new than days of the new was.....so THEY get a new singer....some dude named Hugo that does a decent Travis meeks impression....and start a new band called tantric. They put out 2 albums....then the 3 founding members quit and HUGO, by himself.....RELEASES 2 ALBUMS IN '08 and '09 AS TANTRIC. that's false advertising. Now not only is days of the new not days of the new....but tantric isn't tantric either.

It really seems to be on a case by case basis for me. Although it has always been said Billy corgan played everything but drums, wrote everything and had primary control over the entire creative process in making a pumpkins record.....the zwan album, his solo album and the pumpkins album he made with just Jimmy was not nearly as brilliant as the stuff he made with the whole band in the room.....not to mention, one of the few songs co-written by James iha was "mayonnaise," which is probably their greatest song to date....is the smashing pumpkins the smashing pumpkins with their singer/writer/lead guitarist and some no name band including a 19 year old drummer? That kid wasn't even born when Gish came out.

Van halen got Sammy Hagar. Ac/dc got Brian Johnson. Can you just put a different guy up on stage and still claim to be the band that created these great songs? Or are we watching tribute bands?

I think it all boils down to making great music AFTER the switch that doesn't betray your band's legacy or distinct sound....proving you can go on without the former members....something journey has not done.....something lynyrd skynyrd has not done.....but something that bands like metallica (who took shit in a different direction with the addition of jason newstead and made some incredible music) and ac/dc, who wasted NO TIME putting out back in black, which is arguably their best album....after the death of their original singer.

Bands have their own sound. You can tell the difference between over-processed studio magic and the real deal. There's nothing buckethead can noodle on that god damn Chinese democracy that will move me the way slash did when he walked out of that big church, made it a small church, created a wind storm and played the fuck out of the 2 solos in November rain. That's not to say buckethead isn't a great guitar player.....I've seen him live....the guy's incredible....but he's not what I'm looking for when I want to hear guns n roses. Neither is Axel at this point. That doesn't make Chinese democracy bad.....it just makes it not guns n roses. It makes it a bad guns n roses impersonation. It makes it what shinedown is to soundgarden. It makes it what buckcherry is to the counting crows. It makes it what the silversun pickups are to the smashing pumpkins....and that is: tribute bands that play originals. You kind of sound like fun and your songs are catchy to a
point...I'll be distracted and entertained for an hour...but you ain't writing no classics. Music is forgettable now. No one has any original thoughts. No one has any staying power.

It's like I'm imagining a man with a saxaphone on a street corner....a man that used to play because he loved to play....but now he just plays the songs he knows over and over....and he's not playing because he loves to play....he's playing cause if you hear that familiar tune, you'll throw money in his case. Money's not in searching through the woods.....money is in taking the same path everyone else has already paved for you. Sadly, the finished product is less than satisfying.

...fuck you, Hugo. You fooled me into buying into tantric when I was hoping for some Days of the new run off....but I didn't sign up for your bullshit.

chaz and neo penises

2009-08-01T20:20:00.000-05:00

cher's daughter, chastity recently announced that she would be doing some wacked out chopping on her giner to somewhow form what appears to be a dick.

i'm all about people being free to do whatever they want with their own bodies as long as they're not harming anyone else....but this is the part that i don't get....chastity bono is a lesbian. she's in a committed relationship with another lesbian. if she creates a magical weiner (i think the technical term is neo-penis....but "magical weiner" sounds much better to me) but yeah......if she now has a penis and wants to be referred to as "chaz," wouldn't that mean her lesbian lover was not really a lesbian? a lesbian who wants her GIRLFRIEND to grow a DICK is not a REAL LESBIAN. if i ever say to laura "man, you'd be so much hotter if you had a big cock," i would, in fact, be a gay guy. not to say there's anything wrong with being a straight chick......i've always had a rather warm place in my heart for girls that enjoy peni in or on them....but it's odd to me that a LESBIAN would want her LESBIAN LOVER to have a donger. apologies.......a neo-donger.

are people who get sex changes legally eligible for the whole marriage thing? are SEX CHANGES actually recognized as a real thing? cause.....dude......i've seen some wacky shit being a howard stern fan for 10 years....and the sex changes i've seen were not very convincing. cut off your schlong........sorry. still a dude.

the chick in "just one of the guys" didn't look like a dude.....

rupaul doesn't look like a chick.......

chyna doesn't look like a chick.......

sex changes don't get the job done. you're still what you were......you just mutilated your junk. dummy.

BLACK PODCAST AND DEBALLING CHRIS CORNELL

2009-07-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/

NOW UP: THE BLACK-CAST. ENJOY.

podcast for 7-29-09 and grande meaning large

2009-07-29T01:48:00.000-05:00

35 minutes of music and me talking about the music/saying "ummm" alot. i will be doing this occasionally because i kind of had fun putting it together. i'd give you the tracklisting but that'd take away the surprise.

it's not all new music......it's not all old music. it's stuff that i was in the mood to listen to and felt like sharing. we won't say weekly........we'll say SOMETIMES. i hope you enjoy it.

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/

thinking too much and getting your mouth raped

2009-07-18T13:07:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine began my day with a question that I have been pondering for the last few hours. If given a choice, would I prefer an ass raping to a mouth raping.....

Now of course, as I'm sure everyone is thinking....how much time would the rapist give me to decide? Seconds? Who can make a decision like that on the spot? It's a good thing this came up.....this way I'll be prepared if the day ever comes.....let's weigh the pros and cons...

My first issue: if someone is RAPING YOUR MOUTH, what do you do? Do you just open your mouth? Do you suck? Do you use your tongue or just try to keep it out of the way? I've never sucked a dick....but someone who has, would they incorporate any of their skills or just lay there and cry?

My 2nd issue: the duck sounds....I mean....if someone is forcing their wang down your throat....you're gonna make the noise. That could be more embarassing than the rape itself.

On the other hand, you're not going to RUIN my mouth. I eat hardees cheeseburgers....I can handle a cock. If you put a decent sized cock in my tight, virgin asshole....that shit may never be the same....especially if you're rough about it....

...but you're swallowing the load, dude.....or at least spitting it out....there's no pulling out and c'ing on your t's....I really don't want to have any knowledge of the taste of spunk.

I don't know....doesn't it just seem like getting raped in the butt is just where a rape should be? Call me old fashioned....

You girls have it so easy that you don't have to worry about stuff like this.

meaty cheesy boys and the blue mnm

2009-07-04T10:38:00.001-05:00

The food trend thing all started with the blue m n m. It's all changed
since they got rid of the light brown one and replaced it with
blue.....since then, we've had 100 flavors of coke (lemon coke....lime
coke.....vanilla coke.....coke 1..coke zero) they ruined
slice.....they changed what the lifesavers' 5 flavors are (they're
awful now)

I understand having specials to get people excited....limited time
items and whatnot....but you GOTTA stick with old faithful. Every time
we go to sonic, they put the chicken sandwich Laura gets on a
different bun. It's never the same....sometimes it's chiabata (a new
fad) sometimes it's sesame seeds....sometimes it's a wheat looking
kind of bun.....darker colored....but the point is, food is
inconsistant. I don't care about the hormones or the grease.....I just
want the next one I order to taste and look like the last one I
ordered. I don't want a fucking sirloin burger or whatever trend we're
following now....chipotle.....that shit with the BBQ sauce and the
onion rings..the word "tuscan" in everything......and who could forget the blue rasberry craze of the late 90's?......I don't want that. I want a god damn ultimate
cheeseburger with no ketchup.....WHICH USED TO BE NO KETCHUP TO BEGIN
WITH.....that's what the god damn meaty cheesy boys advertised....meat
cheese meat cheese and that's it. Fucking fuckers. There was no
KETCHUP in that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuHkxNZaTt4

....but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....all the OTHER burgers have ketchup.....so we
gotta follow suit. Everyone ELSE is doing fucking CHIPOTLE, even
though no one even knows what the fuck it IS.....WE GOTTA PUT CHIPOTLE
ON EVERYTHING NOW TOO! IT TOOK PONDEROSA 50 FUCKING YEARS TO FIGURE
OUT THAT THEIR PRICE STRUCTURE WAS STUPID AND THAT CHARGING 7.00 FOR A
BUFFET AND 7.50 FOR A STEAK WITH A FREE BUFFET WAS A STUPID WAY TO GO!
IT'S STEAK, IDIOT! NOT AN EXTRA SIDE OF RANCH!

IF PONDEROSA STARTS SELLING CHIPOTLE STEAK, I will find them and I
will hurt them.

Let me reinforce my position here: put whatever you want in my fast
food....squirrel shit....grinded up old people....I don't care....but
once you have your product, FUCKING STICK TO IT. be CONSISTANT! don't
go Axel god damn rose on us and CALL yourself guns n roses when you've
added fucking ANTIOXIDANTS and gotten rid of SLASH....who walks out of
big churches that then become small....

What is an antioxidant? and when did green become sour apple and not lime? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS I ASLEEP?

Ps.....SOMEBODY FIND ME THE NAME OF WHOEVER APPROVED THE IDEA TO MAKE
STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER MNM's....so I can KICK THEM IN THE TESTICLES
or ovaries.....

dancing and jumping

2009-06-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

i wonder sometimes if phil collins CAN'T DANCE, or just chooses not to.

personally, i choose not to dance publicly. i have the ability to dance.......poorly....but i can move my arms, legs, hips and whatnot.......so i'm assuming that means i CAN dance. i just don't.....cause i'd look ridiculous. my cousin tried to get me to dance at her sister's wedding.......i pretended like i was going to and then slipped away when she wasn't looking. is this a problem? SHOULD people dance? i know plenty of people who don't dance. CAN YOU IMAGINE CHRIS DICK DANCING? IT WOULD BE THE SCARIEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN! CHRIS DICK DOESN'T DANCE. he barely blinks. i enjoy music.......i enjoy occasionally singing along. i don't sing well.......in fact, i'm pretty sure i sing terribly........but i do it anyway.......maybe that's what dancing is supposed to be to people......their way of enjoying music through body movement and what have you......i guess i just don't process it that way. i don't feel the jonesin' in my bones to get up and boogie. when i'm at concerts, i want to watch the show......i don't want to get up and slam dance/punch people and whatever the fuck those psychos are doing.

similar to white men can't jump. i'm white. i can jump. i can't jump HIGH........but the physical act of jumping in the air and then landing....i have no problem with that. i can do it any time i want.

i'll do it right now.

so i can't dance.......i can't jump.......am i an old man? jesus.

Vampires and lesbians

2009-06-15T14:14:00.001-05:00

I've always been fascinated with female sexuality and the Ins and outs and what have yous of what exactly attracts the female gender.

There are 2 reasons for this fascination:

1. I know what a man likes because I am a man. When a guy tells me there's a girl coming in to the room who is physically attractive, I can either agree with them or disagree with them.....but either way, I can appreciate the assets a man bases his opinions on. With women, it's a whole different ballgame. I would like to understand this ballgame ultimately because I want to understand everything.
2. I enjoy women and would like to be desired by them. This rarely (if ever) is the case, but who DOESN'T want people to be attracted to them sexually?

Now of COURSE I understand lesbians. Women are curvy and sleek....they're like the human iPod whereas a man is that old, dust AM radio. We're hairy....we stink....

The one I really don't get: fucking vampires. What's with this vampire thing? He can't have lunch with you cause he's sleeping....he's pale.....he's cold.....and OH YEAH! IF HE GETS HUNGRY, HE'LL FUCKING EAT YOU.

I dated a girl who tried to kill me (twice) and I'll admit....a bat shit crazy woman can be sexy. It'll get the blood pumping....but superhuman strength and a history of cannibalism might be a tad on the extreme side.

That's true with the manendez brothers as well as Scott Peterson....the former killed their parents, the latter, his pregnant wife....it's been reported that they get hundreds of love letters/marriage proposals a year.....why? Tonya Harding and amy Fischer both put out sex tapes....and I'll admit, I watced both of them.....but not because they assaulted people.....but because I'll watch anyone fuck. I'll watch you fuck.....a donkey.....3 fat guys.....barbara Walters....doesn't matter. If there's video of people fucking, I'll watch it. That doesn't mean amy Fischer does anything for me....in fact, Its disgusting that she's out of jail making pornos while Mary jo is suffering and talking out of the side of her mouth....
As for celebrities, some I get....some I don't. I guess I'm not supposed to....which I guess makes sense....musicians can move you with their music....actors with their escapism....

This fucking vampire thing though.....explain it to me. Can vampires even get boners?

Nickels and address labels

2009-06-15T13:10:00.001-05:00

I just got my monthly letter from the paralyzed veterans asking for contributions. Every 3 or 4 of these I get, I feel bad for all the free address labels and send them 5-10 bucks....but this one made me angry. Homer townsend jr. has a genius idea.....WOULDN'T IT BE SMART TO SEND EVERYONE ON OUR MAILING LIST A NICKEL, then politely ask them to mail it back to us as a show of support? "every nickel counts" homer says.

Well no, homer....because if every nickel counted, why would YOU be mailing ME a nickel? Charities asking for donations by mailing us change seems a bit wasteful. I know that I'm not the only one on their national mailing list. Are they sending out hundreds of thousands of nickels? Couldn't that $5,000 actually HELP the charity in question? I know you gotta spend money to make money....but not by directly handing me money and then asking me to give it back. Maybe I'm reading too much in to all of this. Maybe I should just write homer a fucking check.

Subjects as titles (i hope) and the wonders of modern technology.

2009-05-14T17:00:00.001-05:00

I'm testing this out via iPhone to see if this email addy really posts stuff to my blog. Problem is: tiny keys and fat fucking fingers combined with auto-spell-correct obviously not speaking mike makes for strange writing conditions.....worth a shot though, right? So myspace deleted some of by really old stuff....which sucks cause I had fun yesterday going through that crap. The best part was the comments which unfortunately I had a hard time carrying over.....with this one I'm pretty sure anyone can leave comments anonymous or otherwise. We'll see how this goes I guess.

Mike out.

ARCHIVE: chef boyardee and the 48 hour policy

2009-05-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

recently i was asked by one of you silly females if it's normal that her boyfriend humps her all the time.....not even sexually.....but he grabs her by the hips and just dry humps her when she turns her back to him or something like that.

i explained to her that the problem would be solved if every now and then she threw him a mercy handy. she thought i was joking.

LET ME EXPLAIN: we make goo. our goo is meant to be distributed. if you fill the factory up with goo and the UPS guy never shows up........the guys in the factory get

a. pissed off that they're working for nothing

b. full of goo. where's it gonna go?

c. they become salesmen.....and you don't WANT these factory guys trying to SELL the goo........you want them doing what they're good at........making goo.

.....so if you got these guys getting pissed, that means drastic stuff is going to happen. the goo needs to be distributed. they take PRIDE in their goo and it needs to go somewhere every 48 hours or so to see the world. they don't know where it goes.......they just know that door opens and it's going somewhere and making someone happy and that is GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. you keep the goo there collecting dust, they start pulling wires and banging against the walls....calling old friends to see if they want some almost expired goo......that's when we start saying shit that doesn't make sense, drive at excessive speeds, pick fights with people and grab you from behind and hump you like a crazy person....it's all relative. we're goo distributers. all of us.

imagine if chef boyardee cooked up all of that ravioli and no one ever ate it. imagine if chef boyardee was just sitting around looking at all the cans with his fat fucking face on it...

.....be happy he's dry humping you and not STABBING YOU! MERCY HANDIES IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! DO IT FOR ALL OF US! I HAVEN'T LET A BATCH GO BAD SINCE 1995! MY BOYS WORK HARD AND I TREAT THEIR PRODUCT WITH RESPECT! if i started letting them get overstocked, i fear all of your safety.

trust me, if nappier lost both of his hands, he wouldn't be able to crank any more out manually.......but i bet you he'd still find a way to pull the trigger on a few of those guns he has downstairs. the dude needs to distribute some goo.

JUST REMEMBER: EVERY 48 HOURS. FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE.

ARCHIVE: 8% and menstruation

2009-05-13T18:57:00.000-05:00

Saturday, September 22, 2007

bobby and i have had a theory for a long time that about every month or so a man has what we call an "extra 8% day."

basically, extra 8% day is a day you wake up and for some reason, your penis is larger. it never lasts more than 24 hours....but you are just OBVIOUSLY BIGGER than on any other given day.

i don't think there's a scientific explanation as to why these things occur.....what i do know is today was my extra 8% day. it was a sad day for me because extra 8% days should be celebrated. i should take a vacation day to enjoy it.....maybe wear tight pants.......maybe wear NO pants.......as nick would say, porky pig it for a day......the only problem is, they can not be planned. i have to sit around work knowing there's a masterpiece down there that i can't do anything about until 6.

i guess extra 8% days are kind of like periods. they come about once a month and you just gotta keep going on with your day even though you KNOW there's something going on in your pants.....

now i know how you feel, ladies. we got it rough.

ARCHIVE: biting amanda bynes’ ass and the discovery of one’s inner whore

2009-05-13T18:52:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

how old am i allowed to be before it's creepy i want to bite amanda bynes' ass?

females are finding their sexuality earlier and earlier as the years go on. britney spears was 17 when the whole "hit me baby one more time" shit came out. lindsay lohan was 17 when she did mean girls.......the two of them set off a chain reaction......creating the fashion trends of fuck me skirts and short shorts in junior highs across the nation that's making for a very serious problem......

that problem is dudes in their 20's being creepy.

see my point? i dont want to be creepy but they aren't going to stop any time soon and i don't see myself not thinking it's attractive any more. the girls at hooters and in playboy and in porn are all younger than my little sister. how long do i have? my friend kevin's about to turn 30. is he going to have to get a michelle pfeiffer poster? susan sarandon?

(who both still look pretty good for their age.....but that's my point........FOR THEIR AGE IS STILL GIVING THEM A "SEXY HANDICAP"....they can't hold a torch to the miss teen USA girls......they just haven't CRASHED ALL THE WAY INTO THE WALL YET........)

perhaps these things come with time. when the time is right, i will learn to enjoy what an older woman has to offer............when the time is right......the natural progression of things......

i need to get out. i have a headache.

ARCHIVE: my disease and taking difficult pictures

2009-05-13T18:51:00.000-05:00

Monday, August 27, 2007

i have never had a cavity.

lately, i've been worried that i might have one. or more than one. i don't know.....cause i don't know what i'm looking at or for.

so what i did......is i tried to take a picture of the inside of my mouth so that someone could tell me........i soon learned that that is not NEARLY as easy as it sounds.

after experimenting with different lighting (and looking up "experiment" to make sure i had spelled it right) i found one that does a pretty decent job of showing my teeth......

unfortunately, it uncovered something EVEN MORE TROUBLING.....

apparently i have fraggles.

i'm calling the doctor in the morning to ask if they're contagious....i'm also going to make sure i spelled contagious right.....cause i'm worried about that as well.

i'll let you all know as soon as i hear anything. until then, i will quarantine myself. it was nice knowing you all.

ARCHIVE: where my boogers are and stereotypical man things

2009-05-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

someone accused me today of having never been "all that manly."

the more i think about it.......the more i question the validity of that statement. i mean.......i guess IN ALL HONESTY, stereotypical "manly" things (drinking, working on cars, watching football) i don't do alot of.......(except every now and then, when it's time to wash it and the superbowl)

i DO have rather manly habits though........i fart and burp........i scratch my balls when they itch........i tend to be hairy........i play hockey........i have a penis AND balls........

...but i think my most notable manly trait is i'm fucking gross. working at the job i work at, i go to many different locations and you can immediately tell whether that location is maintained by a man or a woman based on the condition of the restroom there.

this is a public storage public restroom at a location ran by a woman. SHE BOUGHT THE LITTLE FUZZY SHIT OUT OF HER OWN POCKET.......AS WELL AS THE TISSUES.......

i, on the other hand have this weird stuff growing along the edge of the water which i've been attempting to attack with my streams of piss. (having targets are important to my overall enjoyment of the urinating experience)

i fear that if i had a fuzzy thing, i would feel a need to pee on it as well......as i do the sink on occasion partly because i can and partly because i'm too lazy to lift the lid (i'm not talking SEAT, i never lift that......im talking about the LID.....) there's something about certain things that almost seem to REQUIRE i pee on them. this could be an animal instinct......

i pick my nose alot. i generally just roll the boogers up between my index finger and my thumb and drop it to the floor. that means your floors probably have my boogers on them........home, office or car.......doesnt matter. boogers. fingernails too. i bite them. then i spit them out. i also brush my teeth over a trashcan while watching TV cause my ADD kicks in if i spend a couple minutes hovering over a sink.

so i'm just as manly as the manliest of men. i may not be covered in oil, grease and dirt.........i may not be able to carry you real far in my arms........i may not be able to rip my shirt off while growling.......but i don't dry my hands off with a towel cause that's WHY WE WEAR PANTS......plus i do have a penis. AND balls.

ARCHIVE: sites you should not go to and "the pounder"

2009-05-13T18:34:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

hi. i will now give you a list of websites i recommend you never go to.

do not click any of the links below.....i mean it.

http://www.pressurespot.com

HEY..........HEY JOEY.......GO TO MEAT SPIN DOT COM! MEAT SPIN! MEAT SPIN DOT COM! GO THERE!

http://www.motherman.com

http://www.thepounder.com

http://www.youaresogay.com

http://www.teensluts.biz

http://www.swollentip.com

http://www.fingerslam.com

http://www.tubgirl.com

http://www.bagslap.com

http://www.mudfall.com

http://www.myspace.com/awordthatrhymeswithface

http://www.goatsemarathon.com

http://www.mangems.com

http://www.thepounder.com/bigbag/

http://www.thepounder.com/monstermash/

http://www.thepounder.com/bopper/

http://www.thepounder.com/meatball/

seriously.......i'm not kidding. don't go to any of those. they're bad. bad sites.

ARCHIVE: killing yourself and not doing it on a holiday

2009-05-13T18:33:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i watched a documentary called "the bridge" about people killing themselves by jumping off the golden gate bridge. in 2004, 24 people jumped to their deaths off the golden gate bridge....so this guy filmed the golden gate bridge for a year and documented these people killing themselves......then he interviewed their families.

so at the end he lists the people and what day they jumped.......

there were 2 in january, 2 in february, 2 in march, 2 in april.......then 3 in may.....the 6th, the 10th and the 11th.......then there was only 1 each in june and july.......so rest easy folks, cause these are obviously the least stressful months.........

3 in august, 2 in september 1 each in october and november then 2 in the december on the 16th and the 29th.

so nobody kills themselves on a holiday....i noticed that.

the MORBID THING ABOUT IT IS, what this film does is make you feel terrible for anticipating the payoff. they FILM THE ENTIRE THOUGHT PROCESS THESE PEOPLE GO THROUGH WHILE CHIMING IN WITH SOUND BYTES OF THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TALKING ABOUT HOW "normal" they were.......and you just wait and wait as they sit there and think..........

.....then it happens. these people decide to jump to their deaths.....in an instant they're gone.

they said it takes 47 seconds to hit the water. in that 47 seconds do you think they reconsider? do you think at the 25 second mark they think "you know, that girl dumped me........but at least there's guitar hero........and big macs.........and the band styx....and re-runs of everybody loves raymond on tbs.......and mr. pibb (in the midwest) and SARAH BROCKMEYER, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! HOW BAD COULD A WORLD BE WITH A SARAH BROCKMEYER IN IT?"

or is that just it?

you'd think the movie would be a real bummer.....but as fucked up as it sounds, it's not. it's uplifting. in it there are people that survived the fall and they talked about the leap helped them realize what a gift life really is........

....not to mention it's always nice to be reminded there are people alot more fucked up in the head than i am.

but really.....i recommend it. it's an interesting documentary on how tragic life can be.

and honestly......sarah's god damn everywhere.....you google sarah and HER FUCKING WORK MESSAGES SHOW UP EVERYWHERE! i mean........think of all the bullshit career opportunities out there for you losers who think your life is over. i mean.......MY GOD! LEARN HOW TO BE AN AWESOME WINDOWS MEDIA DEVELOPER......MOVE TO KANSAS CITY WHERE THERE'S PLENTY OF DIRTY WHITE PEOPLE LIKE YOU (and they're all dirty....and they're all white.....by the way.......killing yourself is a very white thing to do.) TO GO HAVE DIRTY LITTLE WHITE BABIES WITH SUICIDAL TENDENCIES....(all i wanted was a pepsi....just one pepsi.....) seriously though....don't kill yourself. buy siamese dream......drive west........check out vegas.......check out the beach....try something different. make a change. if life still sucks and all that nice weather and beach air and good looking chicks in bikinis doesn't cheer you up.......write a song. pansy.

ARCHIVE: the white sox and mr. pibb

2009-05-13T18:32:00.001-05:00

Thursday, June 21, 2007

it's easy to create enemies.......blame people for the problems you're having in your everyday life.......personify the anger and resentment you have about your life and how it's not going the way you had hoped it would. it's real easy to blame it on people you don't know........or even on people you do.

i havent really been in the best of shape lately and i've blamed this on alot of people...........i've lashed out at a few people who probably didn't so much deserve it (sarah's gotten her fair share...) but in the end, the only person that can rectify this seemingly endless slump i've been in is me.

having said that, i had a question that i wanted to ask.

when did mr. pibb become just pibb? and what is pibb xtra? extra what? looking it up on wikipedia introduces alot of interesting FACTS about pibb (which by the way.....is much better than dr. pepper......and if you disagree with me, fuck you. you're wrong. i know it's a preference but if you prefer dr. pepper to pibb.......seriously, go kill yourself. now. liking dr. pepper more than pibb is like being a fucking chicago cubs fan........it may be the more popular team in chicago......but you're still a cocksucker.)

but yeah......interesting facts about pibb....

---Pibb Xtra is widely available in the southeastern United States, parts of the Pacific Northwest and other areas of the country, depending on the local Coca-Cola bottler. It is rare to nonexistent in other parts of the U.S., notably the New York metropolitan area (though it can be found as a fountain beverage at the Chipotle fast-food chain's Manhattan locations).

---In 2001, a new flavor called Pibb Xtra was introduced with added cinnamon and cherry flavor, replacing the original Pibb flavor in many parts of the U.S.; some regions had both variations for sale at the same time. Pibb Xtra is often described as "spicier."

---Introduced in July 1971 to compete against the popular drink Dr Pepper, Pibb has a small but loyal following in many parts of the United States, especially the South. Many hold that Mr PiBB had a flavor distinct from, and more nuanced than, Dr Pepper, with slight hints of both root beer and chocolate.

---they left the "e" in "extra" off. and that's fucking stupid. however.......their drink is delicious and so how they spell "extra" just doesn't really fucking matter.....

---dr. pepper has the souls of dead babies floating in it. that shit is yucky.

so drink pibb, my friends.......cause seriously.......the white sox won the world series in 2005. did you fuckers even notice?

ARCHIVE: jessica and ashlee simpson

2009-05-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Thursday, June 14, 2007

topic of discussion today is whether or not this is what i think it is.......

....and if it is what i think it is, how in the hell i ever got ahold of it. i mean......IT JUMPS RIGHT OUT AT ME.......so i think it's funny that it ended up on someone's profile.

i'm taking a tally of votes here though......so don't be shy.....

is that or is that not a giner?

i mean.......when it's a celebrity like ashlee simpson

or her sister jessica.....

you have no control over whether or not these pictures get out.......and people are GUNNING for you to slip up and show a little something.....but posting them on your own myspace profile is kind of reckless.....especially when assholes like me are looking on.....

either way it's pretty fantastic.....and thank you, whoever you are.....

ARCHIVE: pretty woman and selling your boyfriend's masculinity to the devil

2009-05-13T18:22:00.000-05:00

Sunday, May 20, 2007

pretty woman and selling your boyfriend's masculinity to the devil

ARCHIVE: amanda beard and her fantastic boobies

2009-05-13T18:18:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

i recently read an article about how amanda beard's decision to pose nude in playboy would be a MAJOR SETBACK FOR FEMALE ATHLETES that try really HARD to be taken SERIOUSLY.......

now maybe i'm biased.......cause i'm REEEEALLY looking forward to seeing amanda beard, the gold medal winning swimmer, completely naked and preferrably wet........but i can't see anyone taking female sports any less seriously just cause we've seen one of them naked.

let's be honest......no one's watching the WNBA cause they're a bunch of nappy headed hoes, man.......(wait, can i say that?)

but really......the most famous female athlete in recent years has to be anna kournikova.......who never won a championship.........never really did ANYTHING with the exception of being insanely good looking.

that isn't to say there aren't talented FEMALE ATHLETES.....what im saying is if there's a really, really good looking swimmer getting attention for being really, really good looking.....what does that have to do with the sport she plays? actresses pose nude. does that make movies bad? madonna and courtney love both CAN'T WAIT for you to see their tits.......there's still music being played on radio stations across the world. the sports world as we know it will not cease to exist just cause i got to see amanda beard's fantastic boobies.

i dont know much about the female psyche.......but what i do know is that unflattering pictures circulating.....

probably get under your skin alot more than professional photos that they airbrush to make you look perhaps better than you really do in everyday life....

and don't blame this on us..........

cause you all still want to fuck albert pujols.....

sluts......

ARCHIVE: subliminal 35's and buff chicks

2009-05-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

Thursday, May 10, 2007

this is my new favorite picture in the entire world and i'll tell you why........

ARCHIVE: god and bling

2009-05-13T18:02:00.002-05:00

Thursday, February 22, 2007

i'm yet to decide why belief in god and belief in man can't both occur.....i mean.......personally, i'm not a believer in god OR man.........i think one's similar to santa claus in that a magical man knows if you've been naughty or nice, sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake.......and the other is a creature that thinks it's much more superior to the animals around it than it could ever hope to be. I MEAN, LIONS EAT ANTELOPE CAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY......WE SHOOT TYRELL FOR HIS BLING......WHO'S THE ANIMAL, REALLY?

but it seems you have to have faith in god to be considered a moral person.......or you have to have faith in man to be an optimistic person......so what are you if you don't have faith in either one? my answer: hopeful. i'm hoping i'm wrong about both. i'm HOPING there's a guy up there watching all the good shit i do and dropping me a favor every now and then because of them. i'm hoping that the people that do horrible, evil things are punished in a firey hell........i'm HOPING that this god UNDERSTANDS that without any kind of proof he exists (other than some of the most bigoted, egotistical blowhard messengers ever assembled) belief in him is based solely on blind gullibility that has no physical evidence to support it. what you HAVE is men in shiny robes telling you that god sent a hurricane to new orleans cause they got alot of QUEERS down there......then they pass around the hat so they can add on another wing and build another holy place down the block....or perhaps they don't need to build a whole place.......they can just BLESS what used to be a CIRCUIT CITY!

....but i do hope he's up there and i hope he's got all this shit under control....global warming and nuclear bombs and pissed off arabs and kevin federline.......cause i don't think man has a clue. man's so concerned with which version of god is the real one that no one is just enjoying the time allah has allowed us here. i mean......if you kill everyone, you'll be the last to know.......and by then, it'll be too late.

seriously.....the infidels are going to hell anyway.....and how many virgins do you really need anyway?

please tell me there's gonna be an upswing soon. please, god.......tell me things are about to change for the better.

Tara

you need lots of virgins, mike. lots. come on now.

Posted by Tara on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 8:02 PM
[Reply to this]

ARCHIVE: smiling cocks and taxes

2009-05-13T18:02:00.001-05:00

Monday, February 19, 2007

in my lifetime, i've dated 2 blondes. both were when i was very young and both lasted less than 2 months.....now that i think about it.......both of em had pretty dark blonde hair so they probably weren't really classified full out blondes to begin with. thing is.....although there's an occasional blonde that knocks my socks off...

.....i rarely find them all that appealing.

in my porn huntings.....i often times fast forward through the blondes (which dominate porn for the most part, go figure) and i don't really understand what my deal is. i mean........i can understand where dudes think blondes are attractive........and i often agree that they're quite good looking.......i just don't really dig 'em. they're fine and all.......i just don't really get into it.

i'm not depressed as joey said in the comments of my last blog......i just have a lot of free time and in that free time i think alot and when i think alot, most of the time what i come up with bums me out. like IF SEATBELTS ARE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHY DON'T SCHOOL BUSES HAVE THEM? I MEAN.....THEY BEAT IT IN OUR FUCKING SKULLS THAT WE GOTTA WEAR BIKE HELMETS AND STRAP KIDS INTO CAR SEATS AND SHIT BUT THEN THEY JUMP ON THE YELLOW DEATH-MOBILE AND GO SEATBELT FREE ON WHATEVER BULLSHIT FIELD TRIP THEY HAVE PLANNED WITH WHATEVER DRUNK PEDOPHILE THEY COULD GET TO DRIVE THEM THERE! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? I MEAN.......LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE 1 IN EVERY 500 KIDS THAT WILL INJURE THEIR HEAD WHEN CRASHING THEIR BIKE......CONSIDER THE EMOTIONAL ISSUES EACH ONE OF THE 500 WILL ENCOUNTER WHEN THEY HAVE TO WEAR THAT DORKY LOOKING HELMET.

we can drive around and talk on a cellular phone to anyone in the world in our cars but we can't come up with a safety helmet that doesn't make us look like a smiling cock?

i never wore a bike helmet and i fell off of it a shitload.......to the best of my knowledge i don't have any kind of brain troubles (at least none that i didn't have before i fell off the bike)

DON'T GIVE US OPTIONAL FEATURES IN OUR CAR AND THEN GIVE US FUCKING TICKETS FOR NOT WEARING IT. IT'S MY GOD DAMN CHOICE WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO RISK MY LIFE IN NOT WEARING A SEAT BELT. PERSONALLY, COMFORT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN THE POSSIBILITY I MIGHT MAKE A MISTAKE DRIVING AND END UP GOING THROUGH MY WINDSHIELD. THAT'S UP TO ME. I'M THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE GOING THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDSHIELD, SO MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. YOU'RE CREATING MUCH MORE OF A RISK TURNING ON YOUR DISTRACTING RED AND BLUE LIGHTS........WALKING ALONG A BUSY STREET IN THE DARK TO COME UP TO MY CAR AND TELL ME TO BE MORE CAREFUL. HELMETS AND ALL THIS SAFETY BULLSHIT.......ALL THESE WARNINGS ON COFFEE CUPS CAUSE DUMB SHITS DON'T KNOW THE CONTENTS ARE HOT.....ARE FOR A MINORITY (SLOWLY BECOMING A MAJORITY, SADLY.) OF STUPID PEOPLE THAT I WISH DIDN'T HAVE THE WARNINGS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THESE INFORMATIONAL TRAINING SESSIONS AND SAFETY BULLETINS AND "THE MORE YOU KNOW" COMMERCIALS WHERE CELEBRITIES TELL US FOR THE 1,000TH TIME THAT SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS TO KEEP THESE PEOPLE ALIVE AND HEALTHY? MAN HAS LIVED FOR A PRETTY LONG TIME AND THE THEORY OF SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST IS GONNA HAVE TO START APPLYING SOONER OR LATER. WITH THE ADVANCES IN MEDICINE AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE HUMAN BODY.......PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER........AND WITH THE EVER EXPANDING POPULATION OF MORONS FUCKING LIKE JACK-RABBITS.....IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE START RUNNING OUT OF SHIT.

NO MORE WARNINGS! NO MORE STOP SIGNS! TAKE IT ALL AWAY! IT'LL BE CHAOS BUT IT'LL GET STUFF ACCOMPLISHED! SURE, THERE WILL BE TRAGEDY......PEOPLE WILL BE DEVASTATED BY THE LOST OF THEIR RETARDED COUSIN WHO DIDN'T KNOW NOT TO DRINK GASOLINE DUE TO THE LACK OF A MR. YUCK STICKER.......BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THE DUDE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DRINK GASOLINE. DID WE REALLY WANT HIM DRIVING OUR SWEEPER TRUCKS OR COOKING OUR HAMBURGER ANYWAY?

maybe taking away stop lights is a bit extreme.....but you get what i'm saying. i'm not saying we should go out and start killing stupid people.......i'm just saying we should give them every opportunity to catch up.....as opposed to dumbing everything else down for their benefit....and in the end if they fail at this game we call life......well then chances are it was meant to be.....

if a kid gets all F's and one D in 5th grade......know what? make the kid take 5th grade again. if the kid's 30 and still in 5th grade, keep teaching the fucker till he gets his or her multiplication assignments right. PASSING EVERYONE'S JUST GONNA PUSH A FUCKING MORON OUT THE DOOR WITH THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA WE ALL GOT AND BRANDING THEM ACCEPTABLE TO ENTER THE REAL ADULT WORLD WHEN THEY CAN'T READ, WRITE, ADD OR SUBTRACT.......WHEN YOU DO THIS, THE REST OF US HAVE TO PAY TAXES FOR ALL 12 OF THEIR STUPID KIDS THEY HAD IN THEIR TRAILER THAT WERE TAUGHT NOTHING OF LIFE EXCEPT THAT IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING, THE GOVERNMENT WILL SEND YOU CHECKS FOR IT, BUT IF YOU WORK HARD.......THE GOVERNMENT WILL TAKE HALF OF YOUR EARNINGS AND HAND IT TO THEM.....AND THEIR KIDS.

if anyone's still reading this, i'm sorry. i know i'm going nowhere fast. just don't be the kind of people that make their kids wear those dorky bike helmets......seriously.......they look ridiculous.

ARCHIVE: 7282 minutes and public nudity

2009-05-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

Sunday, January 21, 2007

nudity should be brought back into the mainstream. not just for sexual reasons......just because clothes have become way too important. what you wear and how you wear it is the only reason the E network exists..........the tabloids are into nipple slips.......the internet is for fake nude photographs of jessica alba

if we could do away with just a few of these things.......just by everyone getting naked......think of all the time we'd save. no getting dressed in the morning.......no getting undressed and then RE-DRESSED after work.......no getting undressed and into your PAJAMAS at night.......just wake up.....take a shower......put on some shoes (or don't) and go to work. naked.

15 minutes a day getting dressed......

2 getting undressed

1 minute a day unzipping and zipping your fly when you gotta pee/recieve oral.....

5 minutes a week pulling your pants up and down when it's time to shit/recieve oral/do the yumyum bouncy bounce.....

that's 7282 minutes a year wasting time with putting on or taking off clothes......121 hours.......5 days. you spend 5 DAYS A YEAR DEALING WITH CLOTHES! AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING LAUNDRY OR SHOPPING........IF WE INCLUDED ALL THAT MAINTENANCE, YOU'RE COMPETING WITH SLEEP TIME.......and we could do away with all of it if we just started going naked.

i think it'd help crime too.....suicide as well. there might be a few more rapes at first.......but after a while, everyone would get used to it. AND THINK ABOUT IT, MOST RAPES PROBABLY OCCUR BECAUSE OF THE CURIOSITY AS TO WHAT THAT WOMAN LOOKS LIKE NAKED! IF YOU COULD SEE HOW HER NIPPLES LOOKED, YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO RIP HER SHIRT OFF BY FORCE. i wouldn't be nearly as compelled to make a fool of myself hitting on the girl at the bank if i had already seen her naked. all i really wanted to know is if she shaves or not......or has the little landing strip........or if there's a forest growing.......these are questions that need answers.

dicks would no longer be so taboo. they'd become like noses......some people have big ones.......others small ones........big whoop........and if there's ALOT OF DICKS around, i'm sure mine wouldn't be the smallest one. i'd feel better about myself. more confident. free.

it'd make the world a better place. think about it. mike in '08.

ARCHIVE: sex and margaret cho (but not at the same time, ewww....)

2009-05-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday, January 14, 2007

there's an article in the new maxim where they ask alot of celebrities what song they lost their virginity to.

of the 27 featured in the article, 13 actually answered the fucking question.....making the article kind of pointless....of the 13 that answered.....there were alot of answers i wouldn't have expected.....only 1 luthor vandross........no al greens or marvin gaye......you know, the obvious ones.......

margaret cho said it was "tom sawyer" by rush.......

penn jillette's was "the angel's death song" by the velvet underground......

music really does put you in a certain time and place when you really focus on it. although i don't believe at that PARTICULAR MOMENT in my life there WAS music playing, certain songs i was listening to around that time remind me of that year in my life.....as do other songs from other times.....

soundgarden's superunknown album always takes me back to playing basketball in david moore's driveway........

radiohead's ok computer always takes me back to the potts brothers hanging out and playing pool in my basement.............mandy carr and all her bullshit.........egg sandwiches.......kenny wregget:the hardcore champion

so MORE THAN A PARTICULAR SONG THAT WAS PLAYING AT THE EXACT MOMENT, WHICH WITH ALL THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS SWIRLING IN YOUR HEAD AT THAT TIME, UNLESS IT WAS PLANNED.......SHOULDN'T BE A VIVID PART OF THE RECOLLECTION.......maybe the question is more directed at a particular song that takes you BACK to that time........for me two albums come to mind.....pearl jam's binaural was in heavy rotation (key songs: 4-9), as was ry cooder and ali farka's talking timbuktu....(the whole CD, man.....)

the funny thing about sex is.....ALMOST EVERYTHING CAN REMIND YOU OF SEX.....which is one of the few things you can say that about. (another is quotes from the big lebowski....maybe that one's just me)

a certain t-shirt.......a certain stretch of highway......all can be traced back to that one time way back when....

nothing works quite like a song though.

10:34 PM

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Previous Post: wurdz and phrazez | Back to Blog List | Next Post: american idol and the ghost of tom joad

*Sarah Smiles*

i think only in movies do people actually "put on music" to get down. for me, it's more smells (perfume, cologne), what color panties / underwear you had on, the feeling of excitment if someone would walk in on you at any second, can this trucker see my butt, if i move too quickly i might throw up, where did you put that shirt, i wonder if we can get kicked out for this, if anyone walks to their car we'l get caught, and

WHERE HAS ALL THE RUM GONE?

that's my favorite.

Posted by *Sarah Smiles* on Monday, January 15, 2007 - 9:39 AM
[Reply to this]

STEVE

i lost my virginity to cemetery gates by pantera...man oh man....i hate my life sometimes.

Posted by STEVE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:14 AM
[Reply to this]

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE

that might be fun, actually.....

"Well I guess
You took my youth
And gave it all away.
Like the birth of a new found joy,
This love would end in rage..."

i mean.....why not? better than tom sawyer....

Posted by MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:23 AM
[Reply to this]

STEVE

fuck rush

Posted by STEVE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:34 AM
[Reply to this]

ARCHIVE: high fives and being frozen in time

2009-05-13T15:41:00.000-05:00

Monday, January 08, 2007

high fives and being frozen in time

do you ever wonder how many pictures there are of you in the background of someone's special moment?

im sure with all of the trips i've taken to the grand canyon and disney world and the zoo and shit....people have to have LOADS of me in the background of their pictures.......

like the stupid fucking kid with the football....ruins the artsy black and white "wicked game" kevin shot......

all the backs of all these fuckers' heads......

the two chubby chicks and the guy with no shirt on.....

do you think i picked my nose in these peoples' shot? think they point at me and say "look at this fucking guy!"

it really makes me self conscious. at any given moment, i could be in someone's photograph. i could be this guy in the camo hat FOREVER!

ARCHIVE: wurdz and phrazez

2009-05-13T15:39:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

UNOmoMIKEo: some of the abbreviated internet talk i understand, but what enefit is there to typing "thiz" instead of "this"

SHELinzBOX: no benefit whatsoever

UNOmoMIKEo: it's just STUPID

SHELinzBOX: the one i hate the most is "brb"

UNOmoMIKEo: YEAH....but that's at least shorter

UNOmoMIKEo: be right back

UNOmoMIKEo: brb

UNOmoMIKEo: 10 less keys

UNOmoMIKEo: thiz and this are the same amount of keys

SHELinzBOX: is this your new blog?

UNOmoMIKEo: maybe it IS! or.....im sorry.....maybe it iz.

SHELinzBOX: I HaTe WhEn PeOpLe WrItE LiKe ThIs

UNOmoMIKEo: they want 2 kiss u

SHELinzBOX: ?

UNOmoMIKEo: they want 2 b wit u

UNOmoMIKEo: do these fucking kids think they can just TAKE OVER THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS LAZY SHORTENINGS AND MISSPELLING?

SHELinzBOX: yes they do.

UNOmoMIKEo: they need to bring back the yardstick and start whacking these cocky little pricks.

SHELinzBOX: Parents no longer discipline their kids.

UNOmoMIKEo: bring your kids over to uncle mike.....i'll kick the SHIT out of your kids......

SHELinzBOX: for a small fee of course.

UNOmoMIKEo: no. i wont charge. it'll be my pleasure.

i know that i've been known to use the occasional slang term.......but there's certain people who have developed this internet language that makes me want to reach through the web and STAB THEM.

chronic users of these internet shortenings are matt fischer and katie jarrett.......much more matt than katie.......katie uses "LOL" alot....(and by alot, i mean she probably hasn't stopped laughing out loud while sitting at a computer EVER...i mean, fuck.....i went to target LOL......i bought a new bottle of shampoo LOL.......the shampoo smelled good LOL.......now my hair smells good LOL...) but matt's way into the "i luv u 2" shit......and i'm really twitchy about that kinda nonsense........almost to the point where i can't talk to him on AIM for fear that i'll have to run over there and challenge him to a duel.......a duel i will most certainly lose.

there are also people that make so many spelling mistakes, you almost wonder if they did it on purpose just to mess with you. now if you REALLY WANT TO GO THROUGH MY BLOGS AND COUNT SPELLING MISTAKES, I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND PLENTY.......AND TYPOS.......THERE'S PROBABLY LOTS OF THOSE TWO.....but compared to

DID YOU NO THAT EVERY NiGHT B4 U GO 2 SLEEP THERE iZ 1 PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX THiNKiNG OF YOU. THEY WANT 2 KiSS U, THEY WANT 2 B WiT U, THEY R ALWAYS THiNKiN BOUT U, THiS iZ ALL TRUE AND NOT FAKE. iF U REPOST THiS iN 5 MiNS THE PERSON THAT iS LONGiNG TO B WiT U WiLL APPROACH WiTHiN 1 MONTH AND ASK U OUT OR, GRAB YOU AND KiSS U. BUT iF U BREAK THiZ CHAiN NO 1 WiLL LiKE U OR ASK U AGAiN FOR 5 YRS

I'M a regular fucking hemingway.

so here's the new rule of thumb for internet talk.......BRB, LOL and TTYL can stay. everyone's gotten used to them. IMHO can probably stay too.......everything else.....gone. no more.

you can't shrink down a word that is less than 5 letters long. this includes using 2 for too or to, U for you and most importantly, B instead of BE. (i mean.....come on...........how lazy can you fucking get?!?!?!?)

i got the half head picture thing fixed.......let's see if we can GET THIS GREAT INJUSTICE ON ALL OF OUR COMMON SENSE RECTIFIED!!!!! WE CAN DO IT, PEOPLE!

SHELinzBOX: i am scurd

SHELinzBOX: was that a good one?

SHELinzBOX: wuz it?

UNOmoMIKEo: I WILL MURDER YOU

ARCHIVE: clones and incest

2009-05-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

Saturday, January 06, 2007

i have alot of questions about cloning..... like if you had a clone, would your clone be allowed to fuck your boyfriend/girlfriend.......if you would have threesomes with your clone........if you'd send your clone to work........if you'd get a SECOND JOB so you and your clone could bring in more income........cause your clone's still gotta eat.......and how long would it be before your clone has had different experiences and gets to be alot different than you? that'll defeat the purpose, right? you won't be able to fool anybody if your clone weighs 100 more pounds than you and has a big SCAR on his face from that HOOKER that hit him with her high heel shoe.......and if your clone ISN'T allowed to fuck your girlfriend, aren't you afraid he will anyway? i mean......the dude technically has ALREADY fucked her up until there was 2 of you.......so he already knows she likes that come hither motion and prefers to be on top......and you already know she kinda digs him, cause he's you.........it's all quite fascinating to think about.

if I HAD A CLONE, would my clone play goal for a different team? or would my clone sit on the bench as a backup? do you think that eventually the clone would get jealous of the original and try to off him to be the ONLY ONE.........and if an original kills his clone, is that murder?

is it incest to have SEX with your clone.......like if jessica alba had a jessica alba clone, and they went down on eachother in some crazy hot lesbian 69 action........would that be incest?

would your clone come to family functions like christmas and funerals and stuff? would my clone be named "mike" too? or "mike 2?"

so many questions......ok........if BOBBY had a clone, would the roster bobby's clone racks up go onto bobby's roster? and would bobby's CURRENT roster count towards the clone's, or does the clone start at 0? which i guess would bring up the question, are all clones technically virgins?

if an ORIGINAL is dating chris dick......and a clone is dating BOBBY, is it awkward? and if so.......would bobby and chris dick give eachother tips and talk about stuff? double dates? go halfsies on presents for weddings and baby showers?

would you even LIKE you if you weren't you? i think i'd get on my fucking nerves. would my clone share my myspace page? i mean......the cocksucker already knows all my passwords.....i bet my clone'd stay up real late watching sportscenter. i bet he'd answer my phone and read my e-mail. i bet he'd eat the last of the frosted flakes except all the crumbs and stuff at the bottom and then put it back in the cabinet like there's still some in there....dude, FUCK my clone.......i don't even want one any more. he's gonna ruin EVERYTHING.

ARCHIVE: the chain of life and freezing A.C. slater

2009-05-13T15:14:00.000-05:00

Monday, January 01, 2007

it's always a shame when One of your friends breaks up with someone and you can't talk to them any more without being a traitor. because.......although some may not admit it, when you agree to be with someone, you're also agreeing to a certain extent to be with their friends and family......it's a condition to a relationship that you're taking on a new set of friends..........these are the people that will be joining you for birthday celebrations and couples bowling night.......but one day, your friend and this girl/guy may decide to see other people..........and that means you can't be friends any more.

i remember when dick was dating that girl from springfield who's name escapes me.........her and i talked on the AIM all the time.........until her and chris ended up breaking up and she told me her and i couldn't talk any more because i was friends........with HIM. said it just like that! i didn't understand what her and him had to do with her and me.....was it because i reminded her of him? was it because she thought i'd take his side? or was it because it's just weird to still talk to a girl after your boyfriend dumps her? i mean, i know by friend law i'm required to hate her when my friend does.....but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends, right?

i've kind of recently chit chatted on this myspace deal with an ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine. she was around a pretty long time and i probably saw her 3-5 times a week. we hung out. i've been to her house probably 30 times.......and yet the DAY her and my friend broke up was the day her and i broke up as well. never saw or heard from her again.

your life change effects many other lives around you. one car breaking down in the right spot of the road can effect hundreds of lifes through a chain of events you couldn't possibly imagine. your hesitation at a yellow light you DEFINATELY could have made it through may make the guy behind you just an extra 2 minutes late to LOSE HIS JOB......go broke........his wife leaves him.......he bets his last 50 bucks on a horse that loses by a nose.....he kills the horse as well as the horse's trainer, who happened to have 4 kids that'll all grow up without a father because YOU didn't get through that yellow light.

it's all connected. WE'RE all connected. one move from one somehow effects us all. if i say something, everyone who reads it will have some sort of reaction to it....they will TAKE that reaction with them when they go about the rest of their day.......at which point everyone they talk to will be effected by what i have said......and on and on and on.....

i call bobby a piece of shit....bobby gets mad and hangs up on me.....he delivers a pizza to a woman who says she ordered extra cheese but the pizza doesnt appear to have extra cheese on it.......well bobby's already mad at ME, so he flips out and cusses her out.......she calls the manager......gets bobby fired. so bobby doesnt have a job.......and papa johns is short a driver for the next week. that means everyone's pizzas will take a few extra minutes to deliver until they've hired a new driver to replace him...so all those people delayed 3-5 minutes probably have peole waiting on them.....whether it be ill people waiting for someone to do their bloodwork in a lab.....fans eagerly awaiting an author's next thriller.......or the guy getting his pictures developed at the walgreens photo-lab....everyone's waiting for someone...which means everyone's lives are delayed 3-5 minutes for a week because i called bobby a name.

if i call bobby ENOUGH names, i wonder if i could FREEZE the world in it's tracks like zach morris used to do on saved by the bell........hmmmmm..........something to think about.

ARCHIVE: amateurs and professionals

2009-05-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

...ive kind of become a bit of an observer of the world around me. i decided along time ago that most experiences are more entertaining from a distance....mosh pits........THX sound........shamu at sea world.......there are alot of things that are just fun to WATCH and not participate in.

amateur porn differs from professionally done porn in one very important area..........CHANCES ARE, that amateur porn you're watching looks like someone you know.

professionally done porn.........dont get me wrong, it's very good........but it's kind of like a MICHAEL BAY movie........sometimes TOO MANY ENHANCEMENTS take away from the fun. THE LIGHTING'S NEVER GONNA BE THAT PERFECT at motel 6........and that girl you used to work with won't have PERFECTLY ROUND TITS.....

(in some cases.......she won't have any tits at all.......)

thing is though.......compatability is horrible to predict......and sexual attraction, whether we want to admit it or not, is an important part of that. JOEY FISCHER and i would be a great couple if that kind of thing worked for either one of us.......we both have decent enough jobs that we could afford a nice place........we both like to cuddle and watch movies.........problem is, neither one of us is into hairy man ass. a deal breaker.

at the same time, although i would enjoy having crazy wild sex with some good looking hooter's waitress......at a certain point, i'd get so tired of hearing her talk about her stupid bullshit life that i'd have to jump from the top story of a tall building.........i'd hate her stupid fergie ringtones and i'd hate all of her friends....she'd hate all of my friends calling me to ask what time the hockey game is on sunday while we're in the middle of watching "the devil wears prada."

point is, chances are there isnt someone out there 100% perfect for anyone else. sometimes i wonder how many people are with the person they saw themselves being with all along........or just someone that didn't need any more and just settled. it's something to think about.

so when it comes to porn......are we settling for the amateur stuff because the girls look natural and attainable? or are we settling for the PROFESSIONALLY done porn because it's a fantasy we will never find ourselves in? perhaps the answer to this question is in going to L.A. and auditioning to be the next big pornstar.......or perhaps the answer is in cranking one out and going to bed........

spending life qustioning life is a waste of life.....and although sitting too close to shamu's tank MAY BE A BAD IDEA.......you don't know it's a bad idea until it's too late.

*Sarah Smiles*

did ya see 'em?

that's all i have to say about that.

also, you and joey would make a great couple. perfect, almost. but i have to warn you, when joey gets drunk, sometimes he can get a little rough. i would imagine that could really be painful for you.

Posted by *Sarah Smiles* on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 - 11:25 PM
[Reply to this]

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE

i want to know how you just got on the assumption I'D BE THE CHICK............i mean, sure.....you look at the physical thing and see that he's bigger than me..........but who's a more overpowering personality? huh? joey may be able to kick my ass......but that won't stop me from calling him a bitch and backhanding him.

Posted by MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 - 11:28 PM
[Reply to this]

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE

ARCHIVE: punch you in the face postage and the degradation of human interaction

2009-05-13T14:58:00.000-05:00

Monday, November 20, 2006

so yesterday at work we were mailing out certified letters.........it's a big long process in which you have to have the mailman GIVE YOU A RECIEPT with the same serial number as the letter.........the letter goes to it's recipient.......the recipient must then sign for it........and the CARD THEY SIGNED GETS MAILED BACK TO YOU.

so as i sat there i was discussing things with the mailman, i had an idea that i then shared with the humorless fellow stamping the certified letters....punch you in the face postage.

see....here's the thing....with the many options for contact.......it's been more and more difficult to put yourself in a position to be able to punch someone in the face. email, phone calls, text messaging, paging, instant messaging......all take the human interaction thing to levels in which you don't HAVE TO ever talk to someone in person to know them or consider them a friend. my t-shirt site now has 1730 friends........1675 of them are people i've never even talked to before. no one even bothers with introductions.......it's a simple click away to becoming someone's "friend."

so in the spirit of this newfound freedom to maintain relationships without interacting personally with anyone.......i have created punch you in the face postage. the basic concept is that you send a letter......with that letter the postman will knock on the door, have the recipent sign the card.....and then the postman will PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE. at which point he will deliver a short message you supply him with. it's perfect. bill collectors will take advantage of the service because once it is used one time, no one will want to be punched in the face again and will pay on time. ex-girlfriends and ex-employees would also love to utilize this service. it's a fucking gold-mine.

so mail guy was telling me it'd be a liability thing and SURELY there would be lawsuits........which i told him the WAIVER would be in the CARD THEY SIGN at the time of recieving their punch you in the face-ogram. he argued more in which i told him it was just a joke and OBVIOUSLY i wasn't expecting the united postal service to adopt my plan. some people have no sense of humor.

ARCHIVE: stepping on finches and the joy of dreams

2009-05-13T14:40:00.000-05:00

Saturday, November 11, 2006

in my younger days i had some wild dreams.......often times i was the protagonist in some crazy murder plot and in the end i often saved the day.......i had the same dream where i went to my mailbox and when i turned around, my house had disappeared.....my dreams were all ridiculous and FAR FETCHED TO SAY THE LEAST......sometimes i had "shining-esque" dreams where one of my friends went MAD, and no matter what......tom potts always managed to die.

so in recent years, i haven't had many dreams that i recall......and the ones i did have weren't much worth discussing........that is, until last night. last night i had a really odd dream. i consulted my mother's dream book......and it offered no help as to what it all means. basically, i'm looking to all of my loyal blog readers to help make sense of it all.

so here's the dream.......

nappier, laura and i drive to springfield missouri to visit my sister and her husband. we arrive at her apartment and get out of the car......with gifts. we knock on the door and jeremy answers and invites us in. michelle's not home.....so we present JEREMY with the gift.....10 finches. the finches were in 2 cages.........5 finches per cage. jeremy doesn't really act TOO HAPPY about recieving the finches, but thanks us just the same. so at some point, a finch manages to escape the cage......triggering a WILD, PANICKED REACTION from jeremy in which his first reaction is to run over to the small bird and STOMP ON IT....splattering it all over the apartment and laura, nappier and my clothing.

the 3 of us are disgusted by jeremy's actions and storm out of the apartment, finches in hand and decide we're not going to be around a bird killer......we're driving on the highway home and nappier asks me "mike, are you sure we only had 10 finches?"

i say yes.......we had 10 finches and now we have 9. nappier tells me there are 10 finches in the cage.......i pull the car on to the shoulder and count.....10 finches. that's when i wake up.

....SO, MY FRIENDS.....WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? WHY AM I DREAMING OF MY BROTHER-IN LAW (ehhhhh.....that's the first time i said that, i think........weird.......) STEPPING ON FUCKING FINCHES?!?!?!?!?!? AND EVEN ODDER THAN THAT, WHY DID HE STEP ON THE 10TH FINCH AND ON THE WAY HOME WE HAD 10 FINCHES AGAIN.......WHERE'D THE EXTRA FINCH COME FROM? DID THE MATRIX CHANGE SOMETHING? all in all, i just want to make sense of it all....if there's sense to be made from it.

the dream book says birds are a sign of hope....if a guy that's 6'2'' and weighs 75 pounds STOMPS on the bird and KILLS it.....is that an end to hope? .....and then when that bird RETURNS to the cage with the other birds.......is that like HOPE RESTORED AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND (like the last 30 seconds of every episode of lost......those cliffhanging cocksuckers.....)

i don't think dreams have any meaning.......i think it's just odd things jumbled up to make an interresting bedtime story.....similar to that of a flashback on family guy "OH REALLY? LIKE THAT TIME YOU ATE AN OATMEAL CREAM PIE WITH PAT SAJACK WHILE WATCHING MAMA'S FAMILY RERUNS?"

...but what if there really is something to them? what if the dreams are trying to tell us something? what if it's a distant voice telling me not to get the newlyweds finches for christmas.....or maybe, just maybe.....that's EXACTLY what the voice wants me to get them....stay tuned.

WELCOME MUMBO JUMBO AND MIKE NAPPIER'S CLEAN SHAVEN ASS

2009-05-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

i used to blog very regularly over on myspace and i've kind of missed doing it. the MAIN PROBLEM with my blog posts is that people read it. my parents........my aunts and uncles.......the friends that the whole thing was probably about anyway..........so it got a bit out of control. i'm not making any promises but i'm hoping to just type about what i'm thinking and stuff like that as opposed to getting into mine and other peoples' personal lives.........then again.........that's probably what i'm going to be thinking about........so like i said.......no promises.

the cool thing about this one is i can just e-mail it from my phone and stuff. i have a special e-mail addy that posts the e-mails and pictures directly here......so that's fantastic.

i'll probably start things off by digging into the archives and posting some of my favorites from the myspace days........then i'll start writing again. it's therapy. if you don't want to read it.......you don't have to. if you are digging it, cool. thanks.