THE LINE FORMING FOR JAMES HOLMES AND THE SURRENDER

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DISNEY VILLAINS AND THE BASTARDIZATION OF THE BEARDED MAN

my niece hates my guts. any time i walk into the room, she immediately starts crying. there has been over a year of testing and the results are in. she fucking hates me. i know it’s probably just some kind of vibe i give off….or maybe i’m not holding her right……..or maybe there’s no reason. maybe she’s just a baby. i have a theory though that i want to run by you guys and see what you think though……… i think it’s disney’s fault. and yes……..she’s 1. she hasn’t seen a ton of disney movies……but animals adapt over time to survive……birds’ beaks change shape……we grow extra fingers to help grip our food…….fur may change colors to better disguise themselves from potential predators……..and disney movies have taught us not to trust people with facial hair. look at the evidence………

aladdin’s clean shaven……

bad guy has a fucking beard……

captain hook with the stache……

ratigan had some kind of 5:00 shadow thing going on……

they even made it kind of obvious with uncle scar from the lion king…….kinda making his chin hair considerably longer than all the lions as if to say “his maintenance of his chin hair is the first sign that he’s evil……

you see evidence of this psychological change everywhere whether you’re aware of it or not…….look at the characters used as the bad guys in the mega-hit “hunger games” movie that came out earlier this year…….look how they convey the characters’ evilness without words……

we don’t even know it’s happening……but it’s happening. our babies are being born with prejudice towards facial hair because all of our villains have it. little harley’s dad and grandpa both shave regularly. the only person she sees regularly with the devil’s bush is me…….and i make her cry. this is how it starts. and pretty soon they’ll be hunting us down and burning us for crimes we look like we might commit. prepare yourselves for a fight, fellow non-shavers. it’s coming.

Your sleeves and pockets

I know for a fact that when I do laundry, I put one dryer sheet in the dryer with an entire load of clothes. One. Never more. What puzzles me is that once it has run its cycle and the clothes come out, get hung on hangers and placed in closets....EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING has a hidden dryer sheet in a sleeve or a pants leg.

There is no way that there isn't something fishy going on. Don't tell me I'm crazy, cause I'm not. One goes in....15 come out. There's some kind of heat activated multiplier in action.....but why? If they're more visible, are we reminded more often to purchase them? Does it increase the softness/dryness of my clothes to travel beyond the laundry room and reveal itself right before the article is worn?

....or is there something more sinister at play? Someone told me a few years ago that if I put a dryer sheet in my pocket, it keeps Mosquitos away. That seems made up....but there are studies that say its true....

<a href="http://www.emaxhealth.com/1275/bounce-dryer-sheets-repel-gnats-mosquitoes">like this one</a>

.....but really to me it seems like someone somewhere wants people carrying around dryer sheets. Whether its old wives tales about Mosquitos or the heat activated multiplier that inserts one into everything....we're being urged to bring them with us wherever we go because it benefits someone somehow. I've read enough x-men comic books to know that if an entire population is suddenly being told to carry something weird with them, some villain somewhere has a ray gun or a mind control device pointed right at their faces.

Why do they call it "bounce?" What's bouncing? Clothes don't bounce. Dryers don't bounce. I hope I'm opening your eyes to some shit here, you guys.....ask questions. Don't just ACCEPT dryer sheets into your sleeves and pockets. THAT'S HOW THEY WIN.

A congress of everyone and the Thursday night polling place

What do you think would happen if we did away with the government all together and everything was decided on by a national vote? Every Thursday, polling places are opened and America gets it's say on all of the hot button issues that face this nation. Sure, we could still have talk radio where they argue their perspective....sure, bill maher will still have plenty to bitch about due to conservatives and religious folks turning out strong to keep us in line with god's message....but it seems like if EVERYONE had equal say in the issues, no one would have anyone to blame but themselves when shit hit the fan. You want no taxes? Cool....but we're gonna be driving on some shitty roads. As a people, I wonder if we'd know what was best for us....or if we need daddy in the capital telling us what to do. Is it imperative to our existence that someone be in charge?

Could we get the teen voting strong enough to get "stronger" by Kelly Clarkson adopted as our new national anthem? Could the potheads finally get marijuana legalized? If you removed the lobbies and the corporate influence on politicians from the equation and left it up to the people....all the uneducated dumb shits that live here....would things be better or worse? I'm not saying change our laws or remove police or firefighters....I just mean instead of 50 or 100 people dictating policy, voting and writing bills....EVERYONE represents THEMSELVES and gets a say....if at the very least gets a vote....

First thing I'd try to get on a ballot is demanding the expansion of in n out burger to the Midwest. You cock suckers on the west coast don't know how good you got it. Share your burgers or you won't like my second proposition....invasion.

Mr. Rogers and Purple Dinosaurs

I saw an auto-tuned Mr. Rogers video where the overall premise from his words seemed to be encouraging kids to have ideas, to be curious and to have an imagination. I know I'm a 30 year old man, but it was kind of inspiring in a weird sort of way. Part of it, I'd imagine is that I grew up watching this guy....but part of it is that it's not seen anymore. Could you IMAGINE that kind of talk in this age? To encourage children to be individuals....to challenge them to walk their OWN path and find their OWN way as opposed to fitting in to a predestined set of bullshit? Mr. Rogers would be considered RADICAL by today's standards....with high pitched sounds, flashing lights and colors, sponges wearing pants and purple dinosaurs dancing and singing disposable kid bop pop music....fucking mr. Rogers just sat you down and told you how it is. He said "look, man....be nice to your fucking mail man. I saw a raccoon today and he had a family and that's fucking sweet. Maybe we shouldn't trust everything we're told. Maybe we should read a fucking book every now and then and educate ourselves.". I don't know if that's an exact quote....but I think the message is pretty close. I think the world is dumber now on purpose. I think we've been duped into considering things like a guy who lives alone and plays with toy trains weird or faggy and we've been charmed by the lights and the sounds of mindless nonsense that encourages nothing but distraction. There are no mr. Rogers' any more because we're not supposed to hear things like that. Our children aren't encouraged to do anything but see whatever the fuck the wiggles are dance and sing....then they eat at McDonald's....maybe graduate high school....WORK at McDonald's....and never make any reasonable attempt at an original thought beyond what they'll have for dinner that night. I imagine that's good for whoever's running the show...all these obedient workers. WHY ARE PEOPLE WEARING CHE GUEVARA SHIRTS? PEOPLE SHOULD BE WEARING FUCKING MR. ROGERS SHIRTS! AND IF SOMEONE SAYS YOUR SHIRT IS GAY, OR STUPID....PUNCH THEM IN THE FUCKING MOUTH....CAUSE YOU'RE A GOD DAMN INDIVIDUAL AND YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER FUCKING SHIRT YOU WANT!



M. Moore/Happy Goat Shirts
http://happygoatshirts.com

TRAYVON, FLAVORED JIZZ AND DR. THUNDER

When I come up with something that I consider to be a great blog or podcast idea, I usually run it by my friends at the bar just to see how it plays. They're my test audience. I work out the kinks in my presentation and then come home and furiously type it into my iPhone or yell it into a microphone. Last night, I was convinced I had a real gem. We take a team of scientists away from their never ending research on achieving/improving/prolonging erections and focus them on creating a supplement or pill or injection that makes semen amazingly delicious. We create a multitude of flavors ranging from cake icing to Cinnabon to piña colada in hopes of creating a market for men who want their ladies to blow them on a more regular basis and NOT ONLY GET BLOW JOBS, BUT GET YOUR GAL TO SWALLOW YOUR BATCH! I went through the entire pitch....I told my friend Nappier all of the positives of this product....I probably talked for a good 5-17 minutes and he listened attentively. Finally, he chimed in and told me that everything I had just said was stolen from the comedian Ron White.  I was heart broken. Not only was my idea already thought of....but was it even really my idea? I have cable. I've seen plenty of Ron White's comedy. Did I see the act in question? Did his act hide away in my subconscious and then wander back years and years later in a different voice.....my voice? Are any of my thoughts original or is it all just derivatives of things I've experienced through music/readings/teachings? And are our opinions based on other peoples' opinions? We know the news because someone interprets it to us....but is there anyway to avoid your thoughts or decisions being tainted/skewed by someone else?   I remember when first hearing news about Trayvon Martin, I was heavily in favor of justice being served and George Zimmerman being put on trial.   I saw the pictures of a tween little smiling light skinned black boy....I heard the president say if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon....I said "How could they not arrest that guy for shooting this little boy?" I said all of this and thought all this because that's the way the story was presented. As  time went on, more facts were revealed that put the kid in a little less favorable light. At that point, I realized both that my opinion may have been wrong....and what the fuck am I doing with an opinion of a murder investigation in Florida anyway? There's no way that I can form a proper conclusion without being presented all the facts....and there's no way I have the attention span to read through all of them. So my opinion is 100% based on what I was told and what other people's uninformed bullshit opinions are. I listen. I follow. I'm a lemming. I say "that's what she said" and "everything the light touches is our kingdom." I'm a product.....not a person. I'm the vess version of dr. Pepper. I'm Dr. Thunder. Fuck me.

UNMADE BEDS AND THE JOURNEY OF THE DECK PEAS

Two nights ago at around 2:00 am, I was woken up by my fiancé yelling my name from the living room. I jumped out of bed and quickly thumped down the hall to see what was going on. She claimed that it sounded like someone had just slapped the glass door (probably about 10 feet from where she was sitting) in an attempt to break into our home. My first thought was that maybe a bird had hit the glass in an errant attempt at flying at night...but when we raised the shade, we saw a large can of peas rolling around on the deck outside. Why would someone throw a can of peas at someone's house? Is there a lesson to be learned? Was it their idea to use the peas to break glass? Why not a rock? It certainly wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Beer can, sure....on your way home....got a beer....don't want it or you're finished with it, you chuck it. Any reasonable person could understand that.....but peas? Nobody's walking around with peas. What kids/teenagers would even think to BUY peas? All of these questions swirled through my head as we waited for the police. An officer came and basically confirmed what I already knew....that yep, it was peas....and nope. Nothing was broke. We judged the distance and determined unless it was someone with a very strong arm, it was more than likely someone in our back yard or on our deck. He vowed to drive around the neighborhood to see if anyone was outside walking around....but I doubt he found anything. I just wish the person responsible had left a note as to his/her motives....and if the contents of the can had any relevance to the message....and if it was specific to us or if they just wanted SOMEONE to get woken up....these questions bother me and I fear I'll never know the answer to them.  Life is random. Nothing is explained. Nothing is wrapped up and the ends are always loose.  Life is an unmade bed. Even if you make it look great and arrange all of your decorative pillows, you're still going to have to get in it that night and fuck it all back up. I guess it all depends on if having it nice and neat for a short time is worth the effort knowing that the only way to keep it perfect is to never use it.  Kind of like the peas...not really sure how it ties into the peas. But it does. I think.

THE SOCIAL LOTTERY AND THE 300 $500′s

I woke up with a wonderful idea this morning.

The social lottery.

Imagine it………

Most people have………what? 5-6 friends? Really popular people might have 20-30. Some people don’t have ANY…….but in any given day you run into tons of familiar people that you see on a regular basis that you decide are people you’re going to treat well or treat like dog shit. WHAT I PROPOSE is a national lottery REQUIRED BY LAW in which the weekly/monthly winner/winners get 300 $500 checks made out to 300 people of their choice. The idea here isn’t for the winner of the lottery to GET RICH necessarily, but to spread the wealth to the first 300 people they feel are deserving of the money and give them all a really good day. Now of course this will need to be monitored closely and there will have to be safeguards in place to make sure that no one is cheating or trying to scan the system……..but the PURPOSE of it would be to promote that little thing in the back of the pizza man’s mind saying “maybe if I’m really nice to this customer, I’ll be in his/her 300.”

Is it fake nice-ness because of greed? Sure. At first. But after a while, being nice to eachother will just come second nature…….then every now and then you might get a check in your hand and a thank you. With that check, you can go buy an X-box……or a new couch……whatever makes you happy. Stimulate the mother fucking economy.

I fail to see how this won’t fix everything. It’s kind of like taxes only with a competitive edge and a chance to win something. HEY! GOVERNMENT! CASINOS MAKE A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY! MAYBE YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO! Give everyone a chance to get those 300 $500 checks…….they won’t be rich……but they’ll be the most popular person in town for a week or two…….until the next winner…….but you won’t FORGET the person who walked up and handed you $500. That person is your friend FOREVER……so make her chicken ceaser salad with care………bring her refills in a timely fashion……..AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP A LITTLE TO PAY OFF CHINA. WIN/WIN/WIN.

The joy of Giving and telling people you gave

I had two similar situations tonight that have left me questioning/over analyzing/keeping me awake thinking about. A friend of mine that I haven’t really kept in contact with until recently (when I needed his help) has donated a few Saturday nights to helping me with electrical shit in my new home…..GFI’s….ceiling fans….all kinds of shit. So Laura and I wanted to get him something as a thank you and decided on a best buy gift card and a “thank you” card….which in NO way begins to pay him what an electrician would charge and possibly belittles his contributions as if to say “this is all what you’ve done means to me.” that’s how a cynical person would look at it. That’s probably how I’d look at it.

My question is: does this small gesture actually express gratitude or does it just make ME feel better about taking advantage of my friend? Was it for him or was it for me? When we donate money to charities or give our old shit to goodwill, are we doing it to help people? Or are we doing it for karma? Maybe we’re just trying to convince ourselves that we’re good people….maybe we’re trying to convince OTHER PEOPLE that we’re good people.

I felt really good after sending an obnoxiously small amount of money to a collection I read about on Facebook for someone I only sort of know who lost her husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reason…and then immediately fired off an email to my mom and sister, patting myself on the back. Why would I do that? Why couldn’t I just do something nice? Why do I have to be recognized for it? Am I so shallow that I can’t drop $1 in the Ronald McDonald house bucket after the person taking my order has walked away? At weddings, when I tip the person working the open bar….why do I time it so they see me do it and are obliged to awkwardly thank me while handing me my free drink? They count their tips at the end of the night. My dollar will be there. Why is HE thanking ME for ME thanking HIM? That’s what a tip is…it’s a thank you….yet bad service still warrants a tip so I DON’T COME OFF AS CHEAP….so am I tipping for them or am I tipping for me? Like “I’m doing alright. I’m gonna tip this bitch.” Isn’t expecting gratitude for me expressing gratitude just mental masturbation? Is that just the mama’s boy in me or is this the way people are? Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Tell me I’m making sense.

The return of slavery and things around the house FINALLY getting done

Alright, I'm ready to admit that America bringing over Africans on boats so they could pick our cotton and cook our meals was wrong. But here's the thing...THERE'S A TON OF FUCKING WORK TO DO, and I don't know if you've been watching the news or not...but we don't have any money to pay anyone. It's time to bring slavery BACK.

Now I know what you're thinking...Mike's going all racist on us. Not the case. I don't think the answer is importing Africans or enslaving our current every day black people. Well, not ALL of them. What we NEED TO DO is enslave prisoners for the length of their sentence. Non violent folks can work in your average family's homes...the really bad ones we'll find something else for them...reality shows...cranking up those crank 'em flashlights that don't run on batteries...but if you're convicted of a crime, you're no longer sent to sit in a cell and rape each other...you'll be put to work doing my laundry or mowing my lawn.

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING! We lose all of the overcrowding in prisons. We lose incarcerated folks' disconnect from the outside world. We get PLENTY of work done. WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE?!?!?! Sure, with lax security (I mean...ankle bracelets and taze batons will help but it isn't the same as barbed wire and iron bars) there will be escapees. For those people, they'll be tracked down and punished. They were stupid enough to get caught the first time. Think we won't find you again, fella? What? Are they gonna flee to Mexico? Good. Fuck 'em. Good riddance. I just don't see an alternative. Things ran so much smoother back when we kept people against their will to do tasks no one else wanted to do. It slows everything down when people take sick days or get all uppity and quit. People are going to continue to break laws. Let's find a better way to handle that.

the honda pilot and a family in crisis

i tweeted a few weeks ago a question that i had in hopes someone would help me. it seems the "social" part of social media is broken, however, cause very rarely does anyone take the time to interact with me at all. i have questions that need to be answered. i'm a simple fellow with needs. like most people, i need food......water.......sleep.......blowjobs......

but more important than any of those things, i need to know why there's a black kid in the car in that honda pilot commercial....



.......look....i'm not a racist or anything......but it's pretty fucking obvious that kid isn't a member of that family. there's 5 white kids of varying ages......a pair of white parents.......and a random black kid. is it too much to ask that they explain this? one line of dialogue......"mr. and mrs. johnson, thank you for letting me accompany your family on this road trip! i need to call my mom and dad as soon as we stop in indianapolis for the night to let them know we got there safe." but no. i'm left to wonder the circumstances. foster kid? did his parents die in a fire and the first cop on the scene adopted him and has been raising him as his own? maybe this guy kidnapped the children and him and his obedient wife are taking them to the rape dungeon to play "feel in my pockets for the key to your handcuffs."

i'm sure there's an explanation for the black kid in the car. it shouldn't be so open to interpretation. people will let their minds wander to some dark places and those dark places don't sell cars....they confuse people. confused people don't buy cars. confused people start looking in the mirror or at their family albums......they start asking "are any of MY kids black?"

well...........................................are they?

DISCOVER CARDS AND USING YOUR HEAD

I like the discover card commercials where nice, upstanding white folks call customer service for their other (obviously inferior) credit card to cash in rewards points or frequent flyer miles. Sure enough though, they’re greeted by a Russian fellow named Peggy who’s conducting call center business in a fishing shack or sweatshop. He proceeds to give incredibly poor service which results in the commercial ending with the customer getting frustrated and switching to discover.

What I find funny about these commercials is the avoidance of using Indian or middle eastern characters. I figure the reasoning behind this is either….

A. Fear of being labeled racists or anti-Muslim. Although we all KNOW most of our calls are routed to India, we can’t portray that on television without being labeled racially insensitive.

B. They use middle eastern folks with americanized bullshit names themselves and don’t want to be called hypocrites for chastising the practice (even though the commercial implies when you call them, you’ll get a hot blonde in a polo shirt).

Or C. There really is a Russian call center somewhere that they’re targeting.

Either way, it’s a clever attempt at relating to us the frustrations of not understanding accents over the phone and poor, uninformed people from other countries reading scripted answers when we’re already frustrated with the situation that prompted us to make the call in the first place. The only problem is: they pussed out and went with a safer country of origin. I bet they had meetings about it.

Where’s a foreign country that has accents but they’re still white?

Germany? Too scary.

Belgium? Not scary enough.

Russia? PERFECT!

I’d be more inclined to switch to a company that didn’t veil their bullshit commercial in clever comedic quips and just said “you’ll talk to someone from america when you call us and they actually can help you.” 22 syllables. 10 seconds at most. Pay Christian Slater to read the sentence. Put up the logo….fade to black. I’m sold.

Mila Kunis and the all-knowing

My friend chris broke my heart yesterday when he referenced a huffington post article that claims the ONLY POSITIVE THING I took away from seeing “friends with benefits” was all a lie.

At a certain point, about mid-way through the painfully cliche-ridden borefest, there’s a scene where Mila Kunis walks nude from the bathroom to the bed, where you get a full view of her nude body from the back. It’s fantastic. Upon seeing this wonderment of artistry, I had made the decision that although the movie was terrible, it did give me an opportunity to see someone naked that I have expressed interest in seeing naked in the past. This gave the film a passing grade.

Turns out: it was a butt double. Now THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE IMAGE ON THE SCREEN AS BEING DESIRABLE. It just takes the piss out of it. There’s no taboo in seeing a random chick’s ass. Same goes for Lindsay Lohan in machete. Boob double. Bullshit.

I’ve decided there needs to be laws that protect people from this. Similar to the disclaimer in car commercials claiming it’s a closed course, if there is a part of an actor or actress’ performance they didn’t participate in, there should be a small line of text at the bottom to tell us so. This includes stunts….this includes dancing….fucking Natalie Portman….anybody can play a crazy bitch. I thought you were DANCING TOO.…

I need to know when I’m seeing something fake. I need to know when the studios/producers want to urge me not to try something at home. There needs to be warnings. You know how they have pictures of dead people on cigarette packs? I WANT THERE TO BE PICTURES OF BONERS DYING ON THE COVER OF THAT MOVIE CHARLIZE THERON GOT REALLY FAT FOR.

…AND GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO SEE MILA KUNIS NAKED!

the baby swap and the "no refunds" policy

i felt kind of bad the other day when laura and i were talking about our future. she really wants to have baby girls. of course, anyone who knows me knows this could never happen and so it is a shame that she met a man with such masculine sperm.

see, my junk isn't equipped for girl making. my sperm has biceps. so in theory, the only way laura's ever going to make a girl is by cheating on me or swapping.

swapping, you ask? why, yes!

my newest creation: the baby swap program......where you DON'T WANT the baby you got but still kind of want a baby. i mean, you had the shower......you painted the room.....but the baby you got is just kind of an asshole....or reminds you of someone......or is not the gender you were hoping for. whatever the case may be...

we're not talking adoption. there's already PLENTY of places to go get you an unwanted baby. we're talking a straight up swap. you post an ad on www.mikesfuckshitandkillshitbabyswap.org's website with plenty of pictures and what their major defect is (like in our case, it'd be I ALREADY HAVE 7 BOYS AND WANT A GIRL) and connect with other people who want to return their baby as well.

granted, there will be a strict no refund policy to avoid those sentimental assholes who decide later they want to know how the one that came out of them turned out. this will protect you from the bonuses and rewards of raising a good/profitable kid and having it ripped out of your clutches by "real mommy."

again, web developers and business folks alike, you know where to find me if you need to know more and want to partner up with me on this one.

errandboy.com and the capitalization of a lazy world

I can't tell you how many times Laura has realized she didn't have an ingredient of a meal she was preparing until after she started making it. This usually means I'm going to have to drive down the street and pick up eggs....or milk....or butter....something like that.....but what if I wasn't home? What then? Does she scrap the meal all together? She certainly can't just leave the burner on and leave. That would be irresponsible.

That's why I've come up with the perfect solution: errandBoy.com

The craigslist of small favors.

It works something like this: ErrandBoy.com will maintain a database of grocery stores, carryout restaurants and retail chain's prices....you PURCHASE items from the site (with a minimal service fee, of course) and then it goes into an open forum, where people could click on your link and ACCEPT your contract, therefore putting your
money into their account. They then go to the store, buy the items you've paid them to buy and bring them to your house. You then, I assume, are expected to tip them....but they still get a percentage of ErrandBoy.com's service fee...so they're still making money....it's like freelance pizza delivery only with millions of options and products to choose from. All the out of work hoosiers could log on any time they wanted and make some money bringing me a fucking lion sized sandwich from lion's choice. I'd check it every time I left the house to see if there was any in a direct route to where I was headed anyway. If everyone did that, think of how happy all the Al Gore "global warming carbon footprint blah blah" hippies would be.

All you fucks out there that know how to design websites get started on this. Let me know when you're done and I'll tell you where to mail my checks.

Right, wrong and media coverage

I had, what was in MY mind, an incredible idea for a novel this afternoon that I know I’ll forget before doing anything about….or will remember vividly and still do nothing about. The protagonist, a young man with great intentions, attempts to make a name for himself through good deeds. He tries to raise awareness of good causes, volunteers his time doing charity work, donates large portions of his salary to starving children in some shit hole country….the guy does it all. He is COMPLETELY IGNORED. Then, one day, he hits his breaking point and MURDERS someone….or it’s an accident….or he’s falsely accused….haven’t decided what the circumstances are and how to keep him a sympathetic character….or maybe I don’t WANT him to be a sympathetic character…..because after the INCIDENT, this man becomes a rockstar. His life becomes a 24/7 news circus. The trial of the century….he’s getting marriage proposals in jail….he’s on t-shirts and Rob Lowe is playing him in movies on the lifetime network….not for the good things he’s done and the lives he’s bettered, but because we as a people have an insatiable bloodlust for fucked up murderers and psychopaths.



Casey Anthony is a fucking trailer trash, inbred hoosier. We shouldn’t know her name. She is one of the most talked about people in the country and all she has done in her miserable life is murder her child. She’s famous….and the reason she’s famous is because we made her famous. She has no talent. We commented on her tits. We talked about her daughter’s corpse rolling around in her trunk. That was us. We did this. You have to ask yourself: is being immortalized worth the sacrifice of your morals? You can’t name a single one of the 32 victims of the Virginia Tech shooting 4 years ago….but I bet 1 out of 5 Americans can pull the name Seung-Hui Cho out of their ass. All those kids were doing was what they were supposed to be doing….going to a fucking university and learning shit.

Then there’s the Columbine assholes….Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. They became the poster boys for so many things….heavy metal music…violent video games….guns in schools…..a Michael Moore movie….I mean, they got grouped in with CELEBRITIES….Marilyn Manson was interviewed ABOUT THEM….that’s the message we want all the rest of these little sociopaths to hear? Kill people so Eminem notices you? Not that I have an alternative to this idea. I wouldn’t have mentioned the little pricks’ names is all. Fuck them and their spotlight. I don’t care what music they listened to or what video game they play. The story should be the people who were killed and their families….not what was on those dipshits’ blog.

It must be surreal for Casey Anthony to sit in her hotel room in Cleveland, Ohio….or wherever she was sent for her protection….and see her name being spoken by every news anchor and every talk show host….and although they’re speaking ill of her and her choices, you have to wonder if to some, that they’re being mentioned at all is enough.

To put it into perspective….I made a comment a while back on twitter that Jenna Haze (a pornstar) has a boring twitter feed because there’s nothing on it to jerk off to. She replied to me and basically told me to fuck off and that twitter isn’t a porn site. I believe she called me an asshole. I was seriously put in my place. She was completely right….I was a COMPLETE ASSHOLE to make the comment…..but do you know what my reaction was? Holy shit! Jenna Haze just TALKED TO ME. I was excited. I went to her twitter and realized she replies QUITE OFTEN to douchebags. Didn’t see a SINGLE INSTANCE of her THANKING SOMEONE for saying “I love your work.” I’m sure she gets those types of messages. HAVE YOU SEEN HER WORK? She’s very talented…but no. She defended herself to assholes and was otherwise quite boring.
I guess what I’m trying to say is Jenna Haze is what’s wrong with America and it’s time we fix it. If you consistently reward negative behavior, don’t be surprised when you see more of it. Look at a list of the top 10 most recognizable names in sports (not beloved…recognizable) and I bet O.J.’s fucking on there. Was he when he was JUST a hall of famer and token black guy in naked gun movies?

I’m not pointing this out to benefit anyone, I’m just pointing it out in hopes that someone recognizes how fucking clever I am. ‘Bout time somebody does.

Knees and ankles

I was made aware of a concept I had never known about while eating some birthday cake at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Apparently, there are different pants/underwear protocol in place for men and women in toilet sitting situations.

See, I always thought pants at your knees was standard. I never knew of this subculture, led primarily of women, that only pull their garments down to their knees…..claiming that bathroom floors are a filthy place and that they do not want their clothing to come in contact with it.



Two problems I see with the knees together stance that I can think of right off the bat….balance and comfort. Where do your balls and penis go if your knees are held together by the elastic of your underwear? Well, as any man would know, it’s either sitting on top pointing towards the door or tucked uncomfortably underneath your tightly pressed together thighs. If dangling gently with a nice, wide stance, you won’t need to worry much…but stretched and pointing downward, you have splash-back or even a possible crossfire situation to contend with. I would imagine these issues would translate to women as well. Seeing as the pee hole is kinda in the middle if not slightly forward facing, I would imagine a wide stance would be REQUIRED to get the correct angle.



It’s kind of a sexy look. Just pulling ‘em down far enough to get to work….but it’s not practical….and if we’re talking WOMEN, HOW DIRTY COULD BATHROOM FLOORS BE? If you’re missing the toilet, you’re doing something wrong. My guess is you’re trying too hard to reinvent the wheel. It’s a shit, not a choice. Get comfortable. Don’t think too much about it. That’s when things get weird….and it’s not like you’re not putting your purse on the floor.

Or does it rest in your lap as well? No fucking WAY….you lock your knees, balance a purse on your lap AND squeeze out a shit? How do you text message? How do you WIPE? Now I know why Chuck Berry was filming broads in the toilet. There’s wonders in there. I need a volunteer to explain how it all works before my curiosity forces me to do something illegal.

Handicap heroes and the squiggly line warning

I’d like to know if there was an inspirational intent to characters in comic books that turned lemons into lemonade….well, not even really lemonade. Turned lemons into justice.

Take daredevil for instance.

Daredevil being able to live independently really is more than anyone would expect from a blind dude…and he not ONLY has an uncanny ability (due largely to his disability) to feel his surroundings out with aural sonar….but he USES that ability to keep people safe.

Fucking spider-man got bit by a fucking mega-spider. Sounds like a shitty day…yet instead of using it as an excuse to whine and be all emo, go on disability, park in handicapped spots….or on a lighter note to impress girls with his newfound powers, he fucks ONE SINGLE ginger broad and fights man lizards. It’s an inspiration. The most intriguing aspect of spider-man’s abilities is his “spidey sense.” To the best of my knowledge, (which consists of about 30-40 accumulative hours of spider-man comic reading) he knows when there’s danger by the appearance of 3-4 squiggly black lines above his head.

There’s not really a hint as to what that sensation feels like. Perhaps it’s similar to the symptoms of my recent ailment. Maybe it’s an intense itch in your asshole. Maybe I have spider powers and didn’t even know it. Or maybe it’s something different. Maybe the itch is telling me something else. It’s a calling. Look, daredevil does a lot more with a lot less than a danger sensing asshole. I CAN USE THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE. Forget the disheartening realization that it itches ALL THE TIME, that could just be it getting warmed up. I just need to train it to only itch when there’s trouble. Then again, if I could do that…I could probably just train it to not itch.

I guess that’s the question I have to ask myself. Do I want to trade in my gift just for the comfort of being unaware of impending danger? Would I prefer ignorant bliss and an itch free anus? Or should my discomfort be a sacrifice for the betterment of society? I’ll let you all know when I decide.

Bulimia and the power of marketing

Food idea marketed to bulimics: tastes like barf going down but tastes GREAT when you barf it back up.

The bulimic ladies are a great market to go after because they’re hungry ALL THE TIME….then they eat, barf….empty stomach again. There’s no pace. It’s a vicious cycle to stay skinny….so what if you sold them a product that TASTES TERRIBLE….therefore punishes them to eat it….but then on the way back, when they decide to throw it up to keep their physique intact, it tastes amazing. I see that as DOUBLE encouragement.

1. Encourage them not to eat it in the first place cause it tastes bad.

2. Encourages them to vomit up what they did eat not only because they don’t want their body to process it but also because ON THE WAY BACK, IT TASTES GREAT!

If Joe camel markets cigarettes to kids…we could go a similar route for the bulimics and have a really skinny chick mascot. In my mind she has a long, cigarette holder and chin length black hair. The ads will be designed to make women feel bad about themselves physically. They won’t want to buy other food products that taste good out of fear they’ll eat too much of it. Think about it. Any financial backers interested in getting this project off the ground, you know where to find me.

COMIC PANTIES AND MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR PAYDIRT

every time laura and i go shopping, i usually end up dragging her to the panties section to pick out a new pair. this is just something i enjoy. i like all kinds, so when she says things like “those don’t look comfortable” or “i’ll never wear those,” i don’t get discouraged. i just pick out different ones.

she probably has the largest collection of panties of any girl around because her boyfriend absolutely loves buying her new ones.



what bothers me is the lack of novelty panties.



you go to the men’s section……..you got superman, batman, star wars, coke, pepsi, mountain dew, family guy……you name it.

women’s panties? stripes. that’s really it.

would it kill ‘em to make some x-men panties like these……..



…..available to the general public? do you have any idea how much nerds like me would pay for those to be in our girlfriends’ wardrobe? these close-minded marketers think that only guys that geek out to wolverine are dudes without girlfriends……but guess what? WE DIDN’T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS 10 YEARS AGO…….BUT OUR ZITS ARE GONE NOW AND WE HAVE JOBS, MONEY AND CARS……..WE STILL HAVE A CONNECTION TO THOSE CHARACTERS……..WHICH IS WHY ALL THE GOD DAMN IRON MANS AND THORS AND GREEN LANTERN MOVIES YOU’RE CHURNING OUT SO QUICK ARE MAKING A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY……so you’re stupid not to plaster logos on anything you can…….



i’ve searched everywhere. you’re making it too difficult for me. i should be able to find them. i want to give you all of my money and you don’t want to take it from me. this makes you a fool. laura’s fine with stripes and solid colors….i’m the one who’s hurting here and i’ve given you fuckers so many years of loyalty. throw me a fucking bone.