Killing me sweetly and the mystery of "your"

As a society, I think we're finished. I'm listening to my iPod and the
Scott weiland song "killing me sweetly" comes on. Is it the greatest
song ever? No....but I enjoy it. That's not what this is about.

I'm thinking...hmmm....the lyrics are fairly straightforward but
perhaps it's about something completely different or someone has a
different interpretation....so I go to "songmeanings.com" and read the
lyrics....I was shocked at what I found.

A WEBSITE WITH SONG LYRICS TRANSCRIBED CAN NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BEETWEEN "YOU'RE" and "YOUR." even scarier than that....multiple times
they included the line "I can't find away." AWAY?!?!?!?!? are you
fucking KIDDING ME?!?!?! we're done. It's over. It's one thing to see
people on Twitter spelling shit wrong....but LEGIT WEBSITES
TRANSCRIBING SONG LYRICS? Stephanie meyer and jk Rowling are the
biggest 2 names in literature in the last 10 years....and they write
books on a 4TH GRADE READING LEVEL! ARE WE TO ASSUME THIS IS JUST A
COINCIDENCE?!?!?!?! is the next Stephen king novel going to be titled
"WEREWOLVES LOL:)" we're going to need things that are "so easy a
caveman can do it." that's where we're headed.

It's over.

ARCHIVE: snickers cannons and intergalactic space racism

the other day i was off work and i just happened to run across a story on cnn that a gay and lesbian activist group was protesting snickers bars because their latest commercial is "homophobic." immediately i went to youtube to see this homophobic commercial for myself....

the commercial features a feminine speedwalker guy in little short shorts and a headband walking down the street.......out of nowhere, mr. t appears in a large army vehicle and begins shooting snickers bars at the man, claiming speedwalking is for sissies and he should be RUNNING like a REAL man. the man runs and mr. t yells out their new catchphrase....."get some nuts!" .....a double-triple-quadruple entendra if i've ever heard one.

so the way i look at it, and tell me if i'm wrong......why is that homophobic? i'll go a step further, isn't it MORE HOMOPHOBIC to make the jump to assume this man is gay? he isn't blowing anyone......he isn't holding any dudes' hands.......the guy's speedwalking. one of their last protests was rappers using the word "fag" as an insult to straight men who were being unmanly.....so is it the word or is it that they're using THEIR LIFESTYLE AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE AS THE BASIS TO INSULT SOMEONE? i would assume that's what it is.......so then to assume that just because this guy is being unmanly, that's their basis for assuming he's gay. AREN'T THEY KIND OF DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THEY TOLD EMINEM AND BUSTA RHYMES AND ALL THEM NOT TO DO? i don't think mr. t cared if the guy was gay or not....i think mr. t just had a fucking snickers bar gun and was looking for an excuse to shoot it at someone.

dude....do you think i'd be sitting here ranting about gay protests on cnn if i had a snickers bar gun? i'd be in your driveway right now honking the fucking horn......AND I HAVE A JOB! mr. t doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO, and he has a snickers bar gun loaded up with snickers bars. do you think he's doing investigations to determine sexual preference before he's blasting snickers bars at people? he's some kind of gay basher trying to rectify the evils of homosexuality by delivering delicious peanut, caramel and chocolate missles to them at high speeds? I HATE YOU! HERE'S A FUCKING CANDY BAR!

in the same half hour, they also discussed a story where a board of directors in texas got upset and demanded an apology because the commisioner referred to their unorganized paperwork situation as a "black hole." apparently the meeting could not continue until an apology was made......which the commisioner refused to give......because that would be the stupidest apology ever. he said "i'm not going to apologize because i was speaking of the science term." WHY CAN'T IT BE A PINK HOLE? OR A YELLOW HOLE?

cause the fucking things ARE BLACK! if he said the paperwork was A YELLOW HOLE......NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

the news reporters interviewed the guy at the end of the segment (which i have the youtube links for both at the bottom) in which he asked why devil's food cake is brown and angel's food cake is white........why the black sheep of the family is the bad one.......and then said "if i'm talking about being cheap and i say i'm gonna jew you down.....is that racist?"

well, yeah.......it is. similar to if i say "oh.....the black guy is 20 minutes late. he's on CPT." yes.....that is a statement regarding someone's ethnicity......although both stereotypes are based observations that stem from witnessing this type of behavior from a large group of one particular group......they're still including every member of an ethnicity in a group of cheap people or late people....which yes, is a bit racist....

.....but referring to the color spectrum to discuss objects......how can that be considered racist? i think we've all agreed that referring to someone as "black" or "white" is pretty much the norm.......but are we supposed to ignore that there are other things out there that also are these colors? if i say i don't like black jellybeans (which isn't true.....i LOVE black jellybeans) will a black person take offense to that? if the oakland raiders come to town, are all of the black people in the stands going to root for them as opposed to the hometown blue/yellow guys? if i decide my walls shouldn't all be white and i want to add some color to them.....do i suddenly have jungle fever? and if i'm saying things like "my walls need color," is mr. t gona shoot me with his candy cannon?

the hole is black, you fucking moron.....just cause you are also black doesn't mean you have to stick up for it.

the world has gone crazy. it's just one minority group after another finding something to rally against.....and it's annoying. DO NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE OR YOUR ETHNICITY. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. SOMEONE ELSE BEING ATTRACTED TO DUDES DOES NOT MAKE YOU BROTHERS. I KNOW LOTS OF STRAIGHT, WHITE GUYS......AND IF SOME STRAIGHT WHITE GUY GETS WRONGED BY SOMEONE IN SOME WAY.....YOU DEFINATELY WON'T SEE ME RIOTING THE STREETS OF ST. LOUIS......I'LL BE AT WORK THE NEXT DAY TRYING TO PAY MY BILLS.....AND FOR SNICKERS BARS.....cause they're delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkT_d2OTgv0&feature=youtube_gdata

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc1zGRUPztc&feature=youtube_gdata

megan phelps and the twitter war

the westboro baptist church recently protested hazelwood central high school....my old stomping grounds. i was CURIOUS WHY, but they don't really tell you why.....they just begin screaming bible shit at you and tell you there's perverts in the building. well, sure......there's perverts in EVERY BUILDING.

ANYWAY, I POSTED A PICTURE OF MY BUDDY ROY AT THE RALLY....

http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

AND MAGICALLY, GOT MY WISH.....A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE "GOD HATES FAGS" FAMILY THAT WOULD ANSWER ALL OF MY QUESTIONS..........OR WOULD SHE?

(FOR YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER, WHEN IT SAYS @SHOWZAH...THAT MEANS SHE'S TALKING TO ME. WHEN IT SAYS @CRAZYBITCH, THAT MEANS I'M TALKING TO HER.)

@showzah Thanks for publishing our picket; way to add some relevant points to the discussion! (shakes head) RT http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

@meganphelps I was trying to figure out what you wackos were protesting. Is it just random hate/crap or do you have a process for selecting?

@meganphelps ummmm....hey there. I really am curious what the protest was about.

@meganphelps if you're "spreading god's word," you're doing a crappy job. Answer questions.

@meganphelps your dumb website just has lyrics to your dumb song. That's not an explanation. It's a parody. A JOKE. what's the protest FOR?

@showzah Have u seen my timeline? I answer lots of ?s; there's just a lot of them - gotta prioritize! What picket r u asking about again?

@meganphelps hazelwood central/Florissant, MO. If you're passionate enough to fly out here, isn't telling the people here why a high priority?

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE A CHARACTER LIMIT...SO I DON'T REALLY GET TO BE VERY ARTICULATE. TWITTER'S KIND OF DUMB.

@showzah Uh huh -- that's why we issue press releases. See how that works? =) http://tiny.cc/BqpwA

@meganphelps bible jargon and vague nonsense. That doesn't tell me anything. God hates the school...great. WHY does god hate the school?

@showzah He hates u 4 teaching kids rebellion: that it's ok 2 b gay, 2 fornicate, 2 murder babies - tho God says He'll curse u 4 those sins!

@showzah You're not seriously denying that, are you? Anyone w. a single brain cells knows that under the headings of "diversity" &

@showzah "tolerance," you promote what God hates. In this generation, you're a freak if you're not having sex by the time you're 14 or so.

@showzah CNN published a story showing that 25% of girls 14 to 19 have STD's. & if u say 1 word to suggest that it's not a great idea to be

@showzah a fag (in violation of God's clear standard, for which He promises to cure you), you're "homophobic" & "hateful." You've flipped

@showzah every standard on its head, such that "good" is now "evil" & vice versa. See Isa 5:20: "woe unto you!" i.e. God hates you for that!

@meganphelps do you even know specifics or do you follow Freddy blindly? This is a script you're reading from.

@meganphelps are you allowed to think for yourself or are you a scripted customer service rep of hate?

@meganphelps I'm really glad you guys are out in public and not at home breeding. That can be your gift to the world.

@meganphelps you're not replying to my questions, woman. You're throwing out your pre-written talking points. TALK NORMAL!

@showzah I did to! WE PICKET TO WARN YOU: YOUR JOB IS TO OBEY GOD! YOU AREN'T DOING IT! HE'LL CURSE YOU FOR THAT! How much plainer can I be?

@meganphelps how do you know anyone's relationship with god? You don't talk to people. You talk AT them. Shake hands. Have a chat.

@meganphelps the Mormons knock on doors....ride little bikes....hand out pamphlets....you guys' methods are a bit tacky in comparison.

@meganphelps I'm no fan of Mormons or anything.....just sayin'

@showzah U don't know that we talk to ppl a LOT, bc u don't talk to us; you rant & pretend not to understand simple concepts, which gets

@showzah the conversation exactly NOWHERE. U wanna talk methods? Read Jude (a short book; I memorized it, so don't pretend u can't do it!).

@meganphelps you're calling me a "ranter?" boy are YOU a CRACKPOT calling the kettle black. i understand the concept just fine. it's simple.

@meganphelps the concept is this: you think you're right. everyone thinks they're right...you're just pushy and crazy...so you're noticed.

@meganphelps but OUT-LOUD-ING someone doesn't win an argument. having a good point does...and if you don't have words of your own, how can

@meganphelps you argue? by quoting OTHER PEOPLES' WORDS....it's just silly. you're silly. a silly woman with a washed mind. grow up.

@meganphelps get yourself a nice dress. read a mystery novel or something. eat a cheeseburger. live YOUR life...

@meganphelps ever see free willy? little kid and a whale. good movie. rent it. i bet you cry. it gets you. i'm telling you...it gets you.

@meganphelps i hope it's internet shorthand and you do know the difference between too/to/two. were you all home schooled?

@meganphelps shouldn't those poor kids you drag around be in school? you're not teaching them english, are you?

@meganphelps i guess in the world of phelps, all you need is to learn how to copy and paste though, right?

@showzah What can I say? 140-character limits suck! Public school. Graduated w/BBA in Finance (4.0). None of it matters if u don't obey God.

@meganphelps i understand the 140-character limit and i'll take your word for it. you're not going to watch free willy, are you?


@showzah Unlikely. =) I remember starting it when I was little, but it didn't hold my attn, so I didn't finish it. I'm way more of a reader!


SHE MIGHT BE DONE WITH ME AFTER I RECOMMENDED FREE WILLY....A FILM IN WHICH A GAY WHALE KIDNAPS A SMALL BOY.....I HOPE IT WAS A GOOD READ FOR YOU GUYS. I'M STILL HERE.....JUST NOT AS FRISKY AS I USED TO BE.

HUGS AND KISSES,

MIKE

God's belly and other Indian favorites

I was Dicking around on facebook and found a religeon id never heard of, panentheism. I've alway been interested in organized religeon, so I looked it up.

Apparently, panentheism is big with the Indians and is the belief that we live in god's belly. (in a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.) basically, everything is god and we're living in everything....so we're living inside of god.

I guess I can buy into that. Sure. God, who is everything.....created everything....including us....out of everything else. He's not Santa. He's not a spooky puppetmaster or magic cloud wizard....he's everything. He's my phone and my Ginger ale and my car....which was built out of raw materials that are also god....I like that one. God's not up there watching everyone through his crystal ball and calling his bouncer to tell him who is and who isn't invited to his tea party....he's down here....in the form of everything. He's the lamp by my bed that watches me Jack off....he's the 90 year old Asian lady that drives 10 under the speed limit....he's Eric fucking Roberts. God is in all of us....and we are all in him....and on him....especially nick hughett.

naps and cheers

i have never really been able to nap. i don't really know why this is. laura can nap any time she wants and i just fucking can't. i try. it just doesn't work. as i've gotten older, i've gone to bed earlier and woken up earlier....but if there's a night i stay up much later, i still get up right around 9. i then can't nap later in the day. once i'm up, i'm up.

i have one of the most boring jobs in the world and there's never really been a time where i almost fell asleep or anything......yet i basically slept all the way through high school and my brief attempt at college. those were the years where i was physically fit, young and horny. most of my classes had at least one girl i would like to see naked......not to mention an old man/woman attempting to teach me something that in some cases might be useful......yet i would generally sleep 2-3 hours a day at school...the only real time i ever napped.

the only thing that has changed is 50 lbs. and the likelihood of me having sex. i can't imagine i'm staying awake on the off chance laura taps me on the shoulder and demands penis........and i can't imagine that i was sleeping in geometry because none of the cheerleaders were "ra-ra-ree, suckin' on me d."

so why then? why could i nap so easily when it was necessary that i stay awake and learn......yet when it's a tuesday, i have nothing to do but eat, shit and watch tv....i can't fucking sleep past 9:30? does my body hate me? does my sleepytime regulator not want me to be happy? if i'm more sloth-like in my fat, old shell of my high school self......wouldn't mid-day snoozes be easier to achieve? it's not hereditary because my dad naps 7-14 times a day. do i need drugs? sheep? the sleep number bed? or do i need one of those little desks with the chair attached to it? is that how i'm going to get naps? do i need to pay for community college classes to get some fucking sleep? maybe i used up all my naps when i didn't need them and i'm being karma-fucked like chris was for complaining about getting too many blowjobs. maybe my classroom snoozes are me being KARMA-FUCKED like sarah bothering us for years about going to the fucking GOLDEN CORRAL for years only to go there and have EXTREMELY SHITTY FOOD! MAYBE KARMA IS FUCKING ME FOR TAKING HIGH SCHOOL LIGHTLY BY MAKING ME STAY AWAKE THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIT SHIFT AT MY SHIT JOB THAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF MY SHIT ATTITUDE.

...or maybe i just slept through school cause i was up 'til 3 or 4 in the morning jacking off. maybe there's no change but i sleep more regularly now. who knows?

Minesweeper and the degradation of quality free time activities

I used to spend my free time doing creative things like writing....drawing.....making goofy songs about Clayton trying to sell nick knife sets....now I listen to the radio and play fucking bejeweled....either that or try to talk Laura into sex....none of which is getting me anywhere.....except the sex....that's good times.....

I just miss the days when I had the drive to create something. We used to attempt to make movies....I used to attempt to write stories and screenplays and anything else that popped into my head....

I don't have that drive any more. I've become a guy that sits at his desk, looking out the window and waiting for 6:00 to roll around so I can go eat/buy toilet paper/whack off/whatever uninteresting thing I have on my agenda for that day. It's sad. My creative mind has been pummeled into mush by the typical day of sitting in this fucking chair with nothing but Howard stern and cell phone games.

I'm not saying that I had brilliant ideas....
I'm not saying I was talented at my work when it came to writing or art....
I'm just saying I had a DESIRE to MAKE those things....good or bad....and that desire is GONE. My life seems so unimportant without artistic expression. Before, it almost seemed like if I died, someone would find my notebooks of half finished stories and say "damn, mike should've finished this."

Right now, it seems like the only 2 questions that would be asked are

1. Who gets my computer?
And 2. Who would cover my work hours the rest of the week?

It makes me sick to know that I know the names of Eric Harris and Dylan klebold, but none of the names of the 13 people they killed. Same goes for that little fucking douchebag at Virginia tech that killed 32 people, cho chun chi lee yu wing pak or whatever the fuck his name was. We had 3 solid weeks of hearing all about his life on every news station there is. Ultimately, it all boils down to your impact on the lives of the people around you. The more of an impact you have, the more of a difference you've made in the world....which lasts as your legacy.

As I've been sitting here bummed out that my creative days are long gone....I've wondered how I can have a lasting legacy on the world. I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to be a celebrity....but I do have a message that the world should hear....and I believe if this blog were broadcast on television in between news of whoever obama's shaking hands with and whatever idiot killed their baby or crashed their car....if we put this up on Karen foss' TelePrompTer, I could better the lives of EVERYONE WHO HEARS IT.....

My message is simple: if you have a choice at the bank of getting behind a car or getting behind a minivan, ALWAYS....and I DO MEAN ALWAYS....get behind the car. 999 times out of 1000, it will be faster.

I hope you can get my message out to as many people as possible. The guy that shot all the women at that gym's blogs weren't even close to as helpful as that. I'm adding minutes to your life....and what'd he do? Whine that he hadn't gotten laid since 1990? I'm the ugliest dude I know (well....2nd ugliest. There's a guy I know in Springfield much uglier) and there's always SOMEONE that'll throw you a pity fuck. There's some desperate fat chicks that'll do all kinds of crazy stuff....a 19 year drought sounds like someone is a little too picky. Not everyone can fuck Heidi klumm.....only really sexy guys like seal can hook up with hotties like that.

Back to bejeweled.....maybe I'll do a podcast tonight. Maybe I'll eat edy's ice cream and watch the oxygen network....I guess the future is looking brighter every moment.

Tantric and exits

How many band members are allowed to leave a band before they're not really that band any more? More importantly: can a band like queen really go out on tour and pretend to be queen when their singer (and only actual queen) has died? Who wants to see Paul Rodgers do queen karaoke for 2 hours? Who wants to see a little Korean kid sing journey songs?

The funny thing about journey is, they're HEADLINING tours with the likes of heart, cheap trick, foreigner....WITH SOME GUY THEY FOUND ON FUCKING YOUTUBE. SO THE ORIGINAL LINEUP OF HEART GOES OUT AND PLAYS THEIR HITS....then a 20-something year old kid goes up there and pretends to be steve Perry....it's like some kind of joke.

I don't think any of the guys in lynyrd skynyrd are original members....wait....looked it up....I'm wrong....rhythm guitar player and keyboardist are the same.....still not lynyrd skynyrd......lynyrd skynyrd died in a fucking plane crash.

It's weird though...cause some of them I give a pass to. Alice in chains is touring and recording a new album without layne....Jerry cantrell was the primary song writer and did half the singing....so I would say Alice in chains is still aloud to be Alice in chains.

TANTRIC on the other hand, was formed from the 3 guys in days of the new that Travis meeks fired.....so TANTRIC was 3/4 more days of the new than days of the new was.....so THEY get a new singer....some dude named Hugo that does a decent Travis meeks impression....and start a new band called tantric. They put out 2 albums....then the 3 founding members quit and HUGO, by himself.....RELEASES 2 ALBUMS IN '08 and '09 AS TANTRIC. that's false advertising. Now not only is days of the new not days of the new....but tantric isn't tantric either.

It really seems to be on a case by case basis for me. Although it has always been said Billy corgan played everything but drums, wrote everything and had primary control over the entire creative process in making a pumpkins record.....the zwan album, his solo album and the pumpkins album he made with just Jimmy was not nearly as brilliant as the stuff he made with the whole band in the room.....not to mention, one of the few songs co-written by James iha was "mayonnaise," which is probably their greatest song to date....is the smashing pumpkins the smashing pumpkins with their singer/writer/lead guitarist and some no name band including a 19 year old drummer? That kid wasn't even born when Gish came out.

Van halen got Sammy Hagar. Ac/dc got Brian Johnson. Can you just put a different guy up on stage and still claim to be the band that created these great songs? Or are we watching tribute bands?

I think it all boils down to making great music AFTER the switch that doesn't betray your band's legacy or distinct sound....proving you can go on without the former members....something journey has not done.....something lynyrd skynyrd has not done.....but something that bands like metallica (who took shit in a different direction with the addition of jason newstead and made some incredible music) and ac/dc, who wasted NO TIME putting out back in black, which is arguably their best album....after the death of their original singer.

Bands have their own sound. You can tell the difference between over-processed studio magic and the real deal. There's nothing buckethead can noodle on that god damn Chinese democracy that will move me the way slash did when he walked out of that big church, made it a small church, created a wind storm and played the fuck out of the 2 solos in November rain. That's not to say buckethead isn't a great guitar player.....I've seen him live....the guy's incredible....but he's not what I'm looking for when I want to hear guns n roses. Neither is Axel at this point. That doesn't make Chinese democracy bad.....it just makes it not guns n roses. It makes it a bad guns n roses impersonation. It makes it what shinedown is to soundgarden. It makes it what buckcherry is to the counting crows. It makes it what the silversun pickups are to the smashing pumpkins....and that is: tribute bands that play originals. You kind of sound like fun and your songs are catchy to a
point...I'll be distracted and entertained for an hour...but you ain't writing no classics. Music is forgettable now. No one has any original thoughts. No one has any staying power.

It's like I'm imagining a man with a saxaphone on a street corner....a man that used to play because he loved to play....but now he just plays the songs he knows over and over....and he's not playing because he loves to play....he's playing cause if you hear that familiar tune, you'll throw money in his case. Money's not in searching through the woods.....money is in taking the same path everyone else has already paved for you. Sadly, the finished product is less than satisfying.

...fuck you, Hugo. You fooled me into buying into tantric when I was hoping for some Days of the new run off....but I didn't sign up for your bullshit.