The joy of Giving and telling people you gave

I had two similar situations tonight that have left me questioning/over analyzing/keeping me awake thinking about. A friend of mine that I haven’t really kept in contact with until recently (when I needed his help) has donated a few Saturday nights to helping me with electrical shit in my new home…..GFI’s….ceiling fans….all kinds of shit. So Laura and I wanted to get him something as a thank you and decided on a best buy gift card and a “thank you” card….which in NO way begins to pay him what an electrician would charge and possibly belittles his contributions as if to say “this is all what you’ve done means to me.” that’s how a cynical person would look at it. That’s probably how I’d look at it.

My question is: does this small gesture actually express gratitude or does it just make ME feel better about taking advantage of my friend? Was it for him or was it for me? When we donate money to charities or give our old shit to goodwill, are we doing it to help people? Or are we doing it for karma? Maybe we’re just trying to convince ourselves that we’re good people….maybe we’re trying to convince OTHER PEOPLE that we’re good people.

I felt really good after sending an obnoxiously small amount of money to a collection I read about on Facebook for someone I only sort of know who lost her husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reason…and then immediately fired off an email to my mom and sister, patting myself on the back. Why would I do that? Why couldn’t I just do something nice? Why do I have to be recognized for it? Am I so shallow that I can’t drop $1 in the Ronald McDonald house bucket after the person taking my order has walked away? At weddings, when I tip the person working the open bar….why do I time it so they see me do it and are obliged to awkwardly thank me while handing me my free drink? They count their tips at the end of the night. My dollar will be there. Why is HE thanking ME for ME thanking HIM? That’s what a tip is…it’s a thank you….yet bad service still warrants a tip so I DON’T COME OFF AS CHEAP….so am I tipping for them or am I tipping for me? Like “I’m doing alright. I’m gonna tip this bitch.” Isn’t expecting gratitude for me expressing gratitude just mental masturbation? Is that just the mama’s boy in me or is this the way people are? Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Tell me I’m making sense.

The return of slavery and things around the house FINALLY getting done

Alright, I'm ready to admit that America bringing over Africans on boats so they could pick our cotton and cook our meals was wrong. But here's the thing...THERE'S A TON OF FUCKING WORK TO DO, and I don't know if you've been watching the news or not...but we don't have any money to pay anyone. It's time to bring slavery BACK.

Now I know what you're thinking...Mike's going all racist on us. Not the case. I don't think the answer is importing Africans or enslaving our current every day black people. Well, not ALL of them. What we NEED TO DO is enslave prisoners for the length of their sentence. Non violent folks can work in your average family's homes...the really bad ones we'll find something else for them...reality shows...cranking up those crank 'em flashlights that don't run on batteries...but if you're convicted of a crime, you're no longer sent to sit in a cell and rape each other...you'll be put to work doing my laundry or mowing my lawn.

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING! We lose all of the overcrowding in prisons. We lose incarcerated folks' disconnect from the outside world. We get PLENTY of work done. WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE?!?!?! Sure, with lax security (I mean...ankle bracelets and taze batons will help but it isn't the same as barbed wire and iron bars) there will be escapees. For those people, they'll be tracked down and punished. They were stupid enough to get caught the first time. Think we won't find you again, fella? What? Are they gonna flee to Mexico? Good. Fuck 'em. Good riddance. I just don't see an alternative. Things ran so much smoother back when we kept people against their will to do tasks no one else wanted to do. It slows everything down when people take sick days or get all uppity and quit. People are going to continue to break laws. Let's find a better way to handle that.

the honda pilot and a family in crisis

i tweeted a few weeks ago a question that i had in hopes someone would help me. it seems the "social" part of social media is broken, however, cause very rarely does anyone take the time to interact with me at all. i have questions that need to be answered. i'm a simple fellow with needs. like most people, i need food......water.......sleep.......blowjobs......

but more important than any of those things, i need to know why there's a black kid in the car in that honda pilot commercial....



.......look....i'm not a racist or anything......but it's pretty fucking obvious that kid isn't a member of that family. there's 5 white kids of varying ages......a pair of white parents.......and a random black kid. is it too much to ask that they explain this? one line of dialogue......"mr. and mrs. johnson, thank you for letting me accompany your family on this road trip! i need to call my mom and dad as soon as we stop in indianapolis for the night to let them know we got there safe." but no. i'm left to wonder the circumstances. foster kid? did his parents die in a fire and the first cop on the scene adopted him and has been raising him as his own? maybe this guy kidnapped the children and him and his obedient wife are taking them to the rape dungeon to play "feel in my pockets for the key to your handcuffs."

i'm sure there's an explanation for the black kid in the car. it shouldn't be so open to interpretation. people will let their minds wander to some dark places and those dark places don't sell cars....they confuse people. confused people don't buy cars. confused people start looking in the mirror or at their family albums......they start asking "are any of MY kids black?"

well...........................................are they?

DISCOVER CARDS AND USING YOUR HEAD

I like the discover card commercials where nice, upstanding white folks call customer service for their other (obviously inferior) credit card to cash in rewards points or frequent flyer miles. Sure enough though, they’re greeted by a Russian fellow named Peggy who’s conducting call center business in a fishing shack or sweatshop. He proceeds to give incredibly poor service which results in the commercial ending with the customer getting frustrated and switching to discover.

What I find funny about these commercials is the avoidance of using Indian or middle eastern characters. I figure the reasoning behind this is either….

A. Fear of being labeled racists or anti-Muslim. Although we all KNOW most of our calls are routed to India, we can’t portray that on television without being labeled racially insensitive.

B. They use middle eastern folks with americanized bullshit names themselves and don’t want to be called hypocrites for chastising the practice (even though the commercial implies when you call them, you’ll get a hot blonde in a polo shirt).

Or C. There really is a Russian call center somewhere that they’re targeting.

Either way, it’s a clever attempt at relating to us the frustrations of not understanding accents over the phone and poor, uninformed people from other countries reading scripted answers when we’re already frustrated with the situation that prompted us to make the call in the first place. The only problem is: they pussed out and went with a safer country of origin. I bet they had meetings about it.

Where’s a foreign country that has accents but they’re still white?

Germany? Too scary.

Belgium? Not scary enough.

Russia? PERFECT!

I’d be more inclined to switch to a company that didn’t veil their bullshit commercial in clever comedic quips and just said “you’ll talk to someone from america when you call us and they actually can help you.” 22 syllables. 10 seconds at most. Pay Christian Slater to read the sentence. Put up the logo….fade to black. I’m sold.

Mila Kunis and the all-knowing

My friend chris broke my heart yesterday when he referenced a huffington post article that claims the ONLY POSITIVE THING I took away from seeing “friends with benefits” was all a lie.

At a certain point, about mid-way through the painfully cliche-ridden borefest, there’s a scene where Mila Kunis walks nude from the bathroom to the bed, where you get a full view of her nude body from the back. It’s fantastic. Upon seeing this wonderment of artistry, I had made the decision that although the movie was terrible, it did give me an opportunity to see someone naked that I have expressed interest in seeing naked in the past. This gave the film a passing grade.

Turns out: it was a butt double. Now THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE IMAGE ON THE SCREEN AS BEING DESIRABLE. It just takes the piss out of it. There’s no taboo in seeing a random chick’s ass. Same goes for Lindsay Lohan in machete. Boob double. Bullshit.

I’ve decided there needs to be laws that protect people from this. Similar to the disclaimer in car commercials claiming it’s a closed course, if there is a part of an actor or actress’ performance they didn’t participate in, there should be a small line of text at the bottom to tell us so. This includes stunts….this includes dancing….fucking Natalie Portman….anybody can play a crazy bitch. I thought you were DANCING TOO.…

I need to know when I’m seeing something fake. I need to know when the studios/producers want to urge me not to try something at home. There needs to be warnings. You know how they have pictures of dead people on cigarette packs? I WANT THERE TO BE PICTURES OF BONERS DYING ON THE COVER OF THAT MOVIE CHARLIZE THERON GOT REALLY FAT FOR.

…AND GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO SEE MILA KUNIS NAKED!

the baby swap and the "no refunds" policy

i felt kind of bad the other day when laura and i were talking about our future. she really wants to have baby girls. of course, anyone who knows me knows this could never happen and so it is a shame that she met a man with such masculine sperm.

see, my junk isn't equipped for girl making. my sperm has biceps. so in theory, the only way laura's ever going to make a girl is by cheating on me or swapping.

swapping, you ask? why, yes!

my newest creation: the baby swap program......where you DON'T WANT the baby you got but still kind of want a baby. i mean, you had the shower......you painted the room.....but the baby you got is just kind of an asshole....or reminds you of someone......or is not the gender you were hoping for. whatever the case may be...

we're not talking adoption. there's already PLENTY of places to go get you an unwanted baby. we're talking a straight up swap. you post an ad on www.mikesfuckshitandkillshitbabyswap.org's website with plenty of pictures and what their major defect is (like in our case, it'd be I ALREADY HAVE 7 BOYS AND WANT A GIRL) and connect with other people who want to return their baby as well.

granted, there will be a strict no refund policy to avoid those sentimental assholes who decide later they want to know how the one that came out of them turned out. this will protect you from the bonuses and rewards of raising a good/profitable kid and having it ripped out of your clutches by "real mommy."

again, web developers and business folks alike, you know where to find me if you need to know more and want to partner up with me on this one.

errandboy.com and the capitalization of a lazy world

I can't tell you how many times Laura has realized she didn't have an ingredient of a meal she was preparing until after she started making it. This usually means I'm going to have to drive down the street and pick up eggs....or milk....or butter....something like that.....but what if I wasn't home? What then? Does she scrap the meal all together? She certainly can't just leave the burner on and leave. That would be irresponsible.

That's why I've come up with the perfect solution: errandBoy.com

The craigslist of small favors.

It works something like this: ErrandBoy.com will maintain a database of grocery stores, carryout restaurants and retail chain's prices....you PURCHASE items from the site (with a minimal service fee, of course) and then it goes into an open forum, where people could click on your link and ACCEPT your contract, therefore putting your
money into their account. They then go to the store, buy the items you've paid them to buy and bring them to your house. You then, I assume, are expected to tip them....but they still get a percentage of ErrandBoy.com's service fee...so they're still making money....it's like freelance pizza delivery only with millions of options and products to choose from. All the out of work hoosiers could log on any time they wanted and make some money bringing me a fucking lion sized sandwich from lion's choice. I'd check it every time I left the house to see if there was any in a direct route to where I was headed anyway. If everyone did that, think of how happy all the Al Gore "global warming carbon footprint blah blah" hippies would be.

All you fucks out there that know how to design websites get started on this. Let me know when you're done and I'll tell you where to mail my checks.