thinking too much and getting your mouth raped

A friend of mine began my day with a question that I have been pondering for the last few hours. If given a choice, would I prefer an ass raping to a mouth raping.....

Now of course, as I'm sure everyone is thinking....how much time would the rapist give me to decide? Seconds? Who can make a decision like that on the spot? It's a good thing this came up.....this way I'll be prepared if the day ever comes.....let's weigh the pros and cons...

My first issue: if someone is RAPING YOUR MOUTH, what do you do? Do you just open your mouth? Do you suck? Do you use your tongue or just try to keep it out of the way? I've never sucked a dick....but someone who has, would they incorporate any of their skills or just lay there and cry?

My 2nd issue: the duck sounds....I mean....if someone is forcing their wang down your throat....you're gonna make the noise. That could be more embarassing than the rape itself.

On the other hand, you're not going to RUIN my mouth. I eat hardees cheeseburgers....I can handle a cock. If you put a decent sized cock in my tight, virgin asshole....that shit may never be the same....especially if you're rough about it....

...but you're swallowing the load, dude.....or at least spitting it out....there's no pulling out and c'ing on your t's....I really don't want to have any knowledge of the taste of spunk.

I don't know....doesn't it just seem like getting raped in the butt is just where a rape should be? Call me old fashioned....

You girls have it so easy that you don't have to worry about stuff like this.

meaty cheesy boys and the blue mnm

The food trend thing all started with the blue m n m. It's all changed
since they got rid of the light brown one and replaced it with
blue.....since then, we've had 100 flavors of coke (lemon coke....lime
coke.....vanilla coke.....coke 1..coke zero) they ruined
slice.....they changed what the lifesavers' 5 flavors are (they're
awful now)

I understand having specials to get people excited....limited time
items and whatnot....but you GOTTA stick with old faithful. Every time
we go to sonic, they put the chicken sandwich Laura gets on a
different bun. It's never the same....sometimes it's chiabata (a new
fad) sometimes it's sesame seeds....sometimes it's a wheat looking
kind of bun.....darker colored....but the point is, food is
inconsistant. I don't care about the hormones or the grease.....I just
want the next one I order to taste and look like the last one I
ordered. I don't want a fucking sirloin burger or whatever trend we're
following now....chipotle.....that shit with the BBQ sauce and the
onion rings..the word "tuscan" in everything......and who could forget the blue rasberry craze of the late 90's?......I don't want that. I want a god damn ultimate
cheeseburger with no ketchup.....WHICH USED TO BE NO KETCHUP TO BEGIN
WITH.....that's what the god damn meaty cheesy boys advertised....meat
cheese meat cheese and that's it. Fucking fuckers. There was no
KETCHUP in that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuHkxNZaTt4

....but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....all the OTHER burgers have ketchup.....so we
gotta follow suit. Everyone ELSE is doing fucking CHIPOTLE, even
though no one even knows what the fuck it IS.....WE GOTTA PUT CHIPOTLE
ON EVERYTHING NOW TOO! IT TOOK PONDEROSA 50 FUCKING YEARS TO FIGURE
OUT THAT THEIR PRICE STRUCTURE WAS STUPID AND THAT CHARGING 7.00 FOR A
BUFFET AND 7.50 FOR A STEAK WITH A FREE BUFFET WAS A STUPID WAY TO GO!
IT'S STEAK, IDIOT! NOT AN EXTRA SIDE OF RANCH!

IF PONDEROSA STARTS SELLING CHIPOTLE STEAK, I will find them and I
will hurt them.

Let me reinforce my position here: put whatever you want in my fast
food....squirrel shit....grinded up old people....I don't care....but
once you have your product, FUCKING STICK TO IT. be CONSISTANT! don't
go Axel god damn rose on us and CALL yourself guns n roses when you've
added fucking ANTIOXIDANTS and gotten rid of SLASH....who walks out of
big churches that then become small....

What is an antioxidant? and when did green become sour apple and not lime? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS I ASLEEP?

Ps.....SOMEBODY FIND ME THE NAME OF WHOEVER APPROVED THE IDEA TO MAKE
STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER MNM's....so I can KICK THEM IN THE TESTICLES
or ovaries.....

dancing and jumping

i wonder sometimes if phil collins CAN'T DANCE, or just chooses not to.

personally, i choose not to dance publicly. i have the ability to dance.......poorly....but i can move my arms, legs, hips and whatnot.......so i'm assuming that means i CAN dance. i just don't.....cause i'd look ridiculous. my cousin tried to get me to dance at her sister's wedding.......i pretended like i was going to and then slipped away when she wasn't looking. is this a problem? SHOULD people dance? i know plenty of people who don't dance. CAN YOU IMAGINE CHRIS DICK DANCING? IT WOULD BE THE SCARIEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN! CHRIS DICK DOESN'T DANCE. he barely blinks. i enjoy music.......i enjoy occasionally singing along. i don't sing well.......in fact, i'm pretty sure i sing terribly........but i do it anyway.......maybe that's what dancing is supposed to be to people......their way of enjoying music through body movement and what have you......i guess i just don't process it that way. i don't feel the jonesin' in my bones to get up and boogie. when i'm at concerts, i want to watch the show......i don't want to get up and slam dance/punch people and whatever the fuck those psychos are doing.

similar to white men can't jump. i'm white. i can jump. i can't jump HIGH........but the physical act of jumping in the air and then landing....i have no problem with that. i can do it any time i want.

i'll do it right now.

so i can't dance.......i can't jump.......am i an old man? jesus.

Vampires and lesbians

I've always been fascinated with female sexuality and the Ins and outs and what have yous of what exactly attracts the female gender.

There are 2 reasons for this fascination:

1. I know what a man likes because I am a man. When a guy tells me there's a girl coming in to the room who is physically attractive, I can either agree with them or disagree with them.....but either way, I can appreciate the assets a man bases his opinions on. With women, it's a whole different ballgame. I would like to understand this ballgame ultimately because I want to understand everything.
2. I enjoy women and would like to be desired by them. This rarely (if ever) is the case, but who DOESN'T want people to be attracted to them sexually?

Now of COURSE I understand lesbians. Women are curvy and sleek....they're like the human iPod whereas a man is that old, dust AM radio. We're hairy....we stink....

The one I really don't get: fucking vampires. What's with this vampire thing? He can't have lunch with you cause he's sleeping....he's pale.....he's cold.....and OH YEAH! IF HE GETS HUNGRY, HE'LL FUCKING EAT YOU.

I dated a girl who tried to kill me (twice) and I'll admit....a bat shit crazy woman can be sexy. It'll get the blood pumping....but superhuman strength and a history of cannibalism might be a tad on the extreme side.

That's true with the manendez brothers as well as Scott Peterson....the former killed their parents, the latter, his pregnant wife....it's been reported that they get hundreds of love letters/marriage proposals a year.....why? Tonya Harding and amy Fischer both put out sex tapes....and I'll admit, I watced both of them.....but not because they assaulted people.....but because I'll watch anyone fuck. I'll watch you fuck.....a donkey.....3 fat guys.....barbara Walters....doesn't matter. If there's video of people fucking, I'll watch it. That doesn't mean amy Fischer does anything for me....in fact, Its disgusting that she's out of jail making pornos while Mary jo is suffering and talking out of the side of her mouth....
As for celebrities, some I get....some I don't. I guess I'm not supposed to....which I guess makes sense....musicians can move you with their music....actors with their escapism....

This fucking vampire thing though.....explain it to me. Can vampires even get boners?

Nickels and address labels

I just got my monthly letter from the paralyzed veterans asking for contributions. Every 3 or 4 of these I get, I feel bad for all the free address labels and send them 5-10 bucks....but this one made me angry. Homer townsend jr. has a genius idea.....WOULDN'T IT BE SMART TO SEND EVERYONE ON OUR MAILING LIST A NICKEL, then politely ask them to mail it back to us as a show of support? "every nickel counts" homer says.

Well no, homer....because if every nickel counted, why would YOU be mailing ME a nickel? Charities asking for donations by mailing us change seems a bit wasteful. I know that I'm not the only one on their national mailing list. Are they sending out hundreds of thousands of nickels? Couldn't that $5,000 actually HELP the charity in question? I know you gotta spend money to make money....but not by directly handing me money and then asking me to give it back. Maybe I'm reading too much in to all of this. Maybe I should just write homer a fucking check.

Subjects as titles (i hope) and the wonders of modern technology.

I'm testing this out via iPhone to see if this email addy really posts stuff to my blog. Problem is: tiny keys and fat fucking fingers combined with auto-spell-correct obviously not speaking mike makes for strange writing conditions.....worth a shot though, right? So myspace deleted some of by really old stuff....which sucks cause I had fun yesterday going through that crap. The best part was the comments which unfortunately I had a hard time carrying over.....with this one I'm pretty sure anyone can leave comments anonymous or otherwise. We'll see how this goes I guess.

Mike out.

ARCHIVE: chef boyardee and the 48 hour policy

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

recently i was asked by one of you silly females if it's normal that her boyfriend humps her all the time.....not even sexually.....but he grabs her by the hips and just dry humps her when she turns her back to him or something like that. i explained to her that the problem would be solved if every now and then she threw him a mercy handy. she thought i was joking. LET ME EXPLAIN: we make goo. our goo is meant to be distributed. if you fill the factory up with goo and the UPS guy never shows up........the guys in the factory get a. pissed off that they're working for nothing b. full of goo. where's it gonna go? c. they become salesmen.....and you don't WANT these factory guys trying to SELL the goo........you want them doing what they're good at........making goo. .....so if you got these guys getting pissed, that means drastic stuff is going to happen. the goo needs to be distributed. they take PRIDE in their goo and it needs to go somewhere every 48 hours or so to see the world. they don't know where it goes.......they just know that door opens and it's going somewhere and making someone happy and that is GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. you keep the goo there collecting dust, they start pulling wires and banging against the walls....calling old friends to see if they want some almost expired goo......that's when we start saying shit that doesn't make sense, drive at excessive speeds, pick fights with people and grab you from behind and hump you like a crazy person....it's all relative. we're goo distributers. all of us. imagine if chef boyardee cooked up all of that ravioli and no one ever ate it. imagine if chef boyardee was just sitting around looking at all the cans with his fat fucking face on it... .....be happy he's dry humping you and not STABBING YOU! MERCY HANDIES IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! DO IT FOR ALL OF US! I HAVEN'T LET A BATCH GO BAD SINCE 1995! MY BOYS WORK HARD AND I TREAT THEIR PRODUCT WITH RESPECT! if i started letting them get overstocked, i fear all of your safety. trust me, if nappier lost both of his hands, he wouldn't be able to crank any more out manually.......but i bet you he'd still find a way to pull the trigger on a few of those guns he has downstairs. the dude needs to distribute some goo. JUST REMEMBER: EVERY 48 HOURS. FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE.