Mila Kunis and the all-knowing

My friend chris broke my heart yesterday when he referenced a huffington post article that claims the ONLY POSITIVE THING I took away from seeing “friends with benefits” was all a lie.

At a certain point, about mid-way through the painfully cliche-ridden borefest, there’s a scene where Mila Kunis walks nude from the bathroom to the bed, where you get a full view of her nude body from the back. It’s fantastic. Upon seeing this wonderment of artistry, I had made the decision that although the movie was terrible, it did give me an opportunity to see someone naked that I have expressed interest in seeing naked in the past. This gave the film a passing grade.

Turns out: it was a butt double. Now THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE IMAGE ON THE SCREEN AS BEING DESIRABLE. It just takes the piss out of it. There’s no taboo in seeing a random chick’s ass. Same goes for Lindsay Lohan in machete. Boob double. Bullshit.

I’ve decided there needs to be laws that protect people from this. Similar to the disclaimer in car commercials claiming it’s a closed course, if there is a part of an actor or actress’ performance they didn’t participate in, there should be a small line of text at the bottom to tell us so. This includes stunts….this includes dancing….fucking Natalie Portman….anybody can play a crazy bitch. I thought you were DANCING TOO.…

I need to know when I’m seeing something fake. I need to know when the studios/producers want to urge me not to try something at home. There needs to be warnings. You know how they have pictures of dead people on cigarette packs? I WANT THERE TO BE PICTURES OF BONERS DYING ON THE COVER OF THAT MOVIE CHARLIZE THERON GOT REALLY FAT FOR.

…AND GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO SEE MILA KUNIS NAKED!

the baby swap and the "no refunds" policy

i felt kind of bad the other day when laura and i were talking about our future. she really wants to have baby girls. of course, anyone who knows me knows this could never happen and so it is a shame that she met a man with such masculine sperm.

see, my junk isn't equipped for girl making. my sperm has biceps. so in theory, the only way laura's ever going to make a girl is by cheating on me or swapping.

swapping, you ask? why, yes!

my newest creation: the baby swap program......where you DON'T WANT the baby you got but still kind of want a baby. i mean, you had the shower......you painted the room.....but the baby you got is just kind of an asshole....or reminds you of someone......or is not the gender you were hoping for. whatever the case may be...

we're not talking adoption. there's already PLENTY of places to go get you an unwanted baby. we're talking a straight up swap. you post an ad on www.mikesfuckshitandkillshitbabyswap.org's website with plenty of pictures and what their major defect is (like in our case, it'd be I ALREADY HAVE 7 BOYS AND WANT A GIRL) and connect with other people who want to return their baby as well.

granted, there will be a strict no refund policy to avoid those sentimental assholes who decide later they want to know how the one that came out of them turned out. this will protect you from the bonuses and rewards of raising a good/profitable kid and having it ripped out of your clutches by "real mommy."

again, web developers and business folks alike, you know where to find me if you need to know more and want to partner up with me on this one.

errandboy.com and the capitalization of a lazy world

I can't tell you how many times Laura has realized she didn't have an ingredient of a meal she was preparing until after she started making it. This usually means I'm going to have to drive down the street and pick up eggs....or milk....or butter....something like that.....but what if I wasn't home? What then? Does she scrap the meal all together? She certainly can't just leave the burner on and leave. That would be irresponsible.

That's why I've come up with the perfect solution: errandBoy.com

The craigslist of small favors.

It works something like this: ErrandBoy.com will maintain a database of grocery stores, carryout restaurants and retail chain's prices....you PURCHASE items from the site (with a minimal service fee, of course) and then it goes into an open forum, where people could click on your link and ACCEPT your contract, therefore putting your
money into their account. They then go to the store, buy the items you've paid them to buy and bring them to your house. You then, I assume, are expected to tip them....but they still get a percentage of ErrandBoy.com's service fee...so they're still making money....it's like freelance pizza delivery only with millions of options and products to choose from. All the out of work hoosiers could log on any time they wanted and make some money bringing me a fucking lion sized sandwich from lion's choice. I'd check it every time I left the house to see if there was any in a direct route to where I was headed anyway. If everyone did that, think of how happy all the Al Gore "global warming carbon footprint blah blah" hippies would be.

All you fucks out there that know how to design websites get started on this. Let me know when you're done and I'll tell you where to mail my checks.

Right, wrong and media coverage

I had, what was in MY mind, an incredible idea for a novel this afternoon that I know I’ll forget before doing anything about….or will remember vividly and still do nothing about. The protagonist, a young man with great intentions, attempts to make a name for himself through good deeds. He tries to raise awareness of good causes, volunteers his time doing charity work, donates large portions of his salary to starving children in some shit hole country….the guy does it all. He is COMPLETELY IGNORED. Then, one day, he hits his breaking point and MURDERS someone….or it’s an accident….or he’s falsely accused….haven’t decided what the circumstances are and how to keep him a sympathetic character….or maybe I don’t WANT him to be a sympathetic character…..because after the INCIDENT, this man becomes a rockstar. His life becomes a 24/7 news circus. The trial of the century….he’s getting marriage proposals in jail….he’s on t-shirts and Rob Lowe is playing him in movies on the lifetime network….not for the good things he’s done and the lives he’s bettered, but because we as a people have an insatiable bloodlust for fucked up murderers and psychopaths.



Casey Anthony is a fucking trailer trash, inbred hoosier. We shouldn’t know her name. She is one of the most talked about people in the country and all she has done in her miserable life is murder her child. She’s famous….and the reason she’s famous is because we made her famous. She has no talent. We commented on her tits. We talked about her daughter’s corpse rolling around in her trunk. That was us. We did this. You have to ask yourself: is being immortalized worth the sacrifice of your morals? You can’t name a single one of the 32 victims of the Virginia Tech shooting 4 years ago….but I bet 1 out of 5 Americans can pull the name Seung-Hui Cho out of their ass. All those kids were doing was what they were supposed to be doing….going to a fucking university and learning shit.

Then there’s the Columbine assholes….Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. They became the poster boys for so many things….heavy metal music…violent video games….guns in schools…..a Michael Moore movie….I mean, they got grouped in with CELEBRITIES….Marilyn Manson was interviewed ABOUT THEM….that’s the message we want all the rest of these little sociopaths to hear? Kill people so Eminem notices you? Not that I have an alternative to this idea. I wouldn’t have mentioned the little pricks’ names is all. Fuck them and their spotlight. I don’t care what music they listened to or what video game they play. The story should be the people who were killed and their families….not what was on those dipshits’ blog.

It must be surreal for Casey Anthony to sit in her hotel room in Cleveland, Ohio….or wherever she was sent for her protection….and see her name being spoken by every news anchor and every talk show host….and although they’re speaking ill of her and her choices, you have to wonder if to some, that they’re being mentioned at all is enough.

To put it into perspective….I made a comment a while back on twitter that Jenna Haze (a pornstar) has a boring twitter feed because there’s nothing on it to jerk off to. She replied to me and basically told me to fuck off and that twitter isn’t a porn site. I believe she called me an asshole. I was seriously put in my place. She was completely right….I was a COMPLETE ASSHOLE to make the comment…..but do you know what my reaction was? Holy shit! Jenna Haze just TALKED TO ME. I was excited. I went to her twitter and realized she replies QUITE OFTEN to douchebags. Didn’t see a SINGLE INSTANCE of her THANKING SOMEONE for saying “I love your work.” I’m sure she gets those types of messages. HAVE YOU SEEN HER WORK? She’s very talented…but no. She defended herself to assholes and was otherwise quite boring.
I guess what I’m trying to say is Jenna Haze is what’s wrong with America and it’s time we fix it. If you consistently reward negative behavior, don’t be surprised when you see more of it. Look at a list of the top 10 most recognizable names in sports (not beloved…recognizable) and I bet O.J.’s fucking on there. Was he when he was JUST a hall of famer and token black guy in naked gun movies?

I’m not pointing this out to benefit anyone, I’m just pointing it out in hopes that someone recognizes how fucking clever I am. ‘Bout time somebody does.

Knees and ankles

I was made aware of a concept I had never known about while eating some birthday cake at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Apparently, there are different pants/underwear protocol in place for men and women in toilet sitting situations.

See, I always thought pants at your knees was standard. I never knew of this subculture, led primarily of women, that only pull their garments down to their knees…..claiming that bathroom floors are a filthy place and that they do not want their clothing to come in contact with it.



Two problems I see with the knees together stance that I can think of right off the bat….balance and comfort. Where do your balls and penis go if your knees are held together by the elastic of your underwear? Well, as any man would know, it’s either sitting on top pointing towards the door or tucked uncomfortably underneath your tightly pressed together thighs. If dangling gently with a nice, wide stance, you won’t need to worry much…but stretched and pointing downward, you have splash-back or even a possible crossfire situation to contend with. I would imagine these issues would translate to women as well. Seeing as the pee hole is kinda in the middle if not slightly forward facing, I would imagine a wide stance would be REQUIRED to get the correct angle.



It’s kind of a sexy look. Just pulling ‘em down far enough to get to work….but it’s not practical….and if we’re talking WOMEN, HOW DIRTY COULD BATHROOM FLOORS BE? If you’re missing the toilet, you’re doing something wrong. My guess is you’re trying too hard to reinvent the wheel. It’s a shit, not a choice. Get comfortable. Don’t think too much about it. That’s when things get weird….and it’s not like you’re not putting your purse on the floor.

Or does it rest in your lap as well? No fucking WAY….you lock your knees, balance a purse on your lap AND squeeze out a shit? How do you text message? How do you WIPE? Now I know why Chuck Berry was filming broads in the toilet. There’s wonders in there. I need a volunteer to explain how it all works before my curiosity forces me to do something illegal.

Handicap heroes and the squiggly line warning

I’d like to know if there was an inspirational intent to characters in comic books that turned lemons into lemonade….well, not even really lemonade. Turned lemons into justice.

Take daredevil for instance.

Daredevil being able to live independently really is more than anyone would expect from a blind dude…and he not ONLY has an uncanny ability (due largely to his disability) to feel his surroundings out with aural sonar….but he USES that ability to keep people safe.

Fucking spider-man got bit by a fucking mega-spider. Sounds like a shitty day…yet instead of using it as an excuse to whine and be all emo, go on disability, park in handicapped spots….or on a lighter note to impress girls with his newfound powers, he fucks ONE SINGLE ginger broad and fights man lizards. It’s an inspiration. The most intriguing aspect of spider-man’s abilities is his “spidey sense.” To the best of my knowledge, (which consists of about 30-40 accumulative hours of spider-man comic reading) he knows when there’s danger by the appearance of 3-4 squiggly black lines above his head.

There’s not really a hint as to what that sensation feels like. Perhaps it’s similar to the symptoms of my recent ailment. Maybe it’s an intense itch in your asshole. Maybe I have spider powers and didn’t even know it. Or maybe it’s something different. Maybe the itch is telling me something else. It’s a calling. Look, daredevil does a lot more with a lot less than a danger sensing asshole. I CAN USE THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE. Forget the disheartening realization that it itches ALL THE TIME, that could just be it getting warmed up. I just need to train it to only itch when there’s trouble. Then again, if I could do that…I could probably just train it to not itch.

I guess that’s the question I have to ask myself. Do I want to trade in my gift just for the comfort of being unaware of impending danger? Would I prefer ignorant bliss and an itch free anus? Or should my discomfort be a sacrifice for the betterment of society? I’ll let you all know when I decide.

Bulimia and the power of marketing

Food idea marketed to bulimics: tastes like barf going down but tastes GREAT when you barf it back up.

The bulimic ladies are a great market to go after because they’re hungry ALL THE TIME….then they eat, barf….empty stomach again. There’s no pace. It’s a vicious cycle to stay skinny….so what if you sold them a product that TASTES TERRIBLE….therefore punishes them to eat it….but then on the way back, when they decide to throw it up to keep their physique intact, it tastes amazing. I see that as DOUBLE encouragement.

1. Encourage them not to eat it in the first place cause it tastes bad.

2. Encourages them to vomit up what they did eat not only because they don’t want their body to process it but also because ON THE WAY BACK, IT TASTES GREAT!

If Joe camel markets cigarettes to kids…we could go a similar route for the bulimics and have a really skinny chick mascot. In my mind she has a long, cigarette holder and chin length black hair. The ads will be designed to make women feel bad about themselves physically. They won’t want to buy other food products that taste good out of fear they’ll eat too much of it. Think about it. Any financial backers interested in getting this project off the ground, you know where to find me.