TRAYVON, FLAVORED JIZZ AND DR. THUNDER

When I come up with something that I consider to be a great blog or podcast idea, I usually run it by my friends at the bar just to see how it plays. They're my test audience. I work out the kinks in my presentation and then come home and furiously type it into my iPhone or yell it into a microphone. Last night, I was convinced I had a real gem. We take a team of scientists away from their never ending research on achieving/improving/prolonging erections and focus them on creating a supplement or pill or injection that makes semen amazingly delicious. We create a multitude of flavors ranging from cake icing to Cinnabon to piña colada in hopes of creating a market for men who want their ladies to blow them on a more regular basis and NOT ONLY GET BLOW JOBS, BUT GET YOUR GAL TO SWALLOW YOUR BATCH! I went through the entire pitch....I told my friend Nappier all of the positives of this product....I probably talked for a good 5-17 minutes and he listened attentively. Finally, he chimed in and told me that everything I had just said was stolen from the comedian Ron White.  I was heart broken. Not only was my idea already thought of....but was it even really my idea? I have cable. I've seen plenty of Ron White's comedy. Did I see the act in question? Did his act hide away in my subconscious and then wander back years and years later in a different voice.....my voice? Are any of my thoughts original or is it all just derivatives of things I've experienced through music/readings/teachings? And are our opinions based on other peoples' opinions? We know the news because someone interprets it to us....but is there anyway to avoid your thoughts or decisions being tainted/skewed by someone else?   I remember when first hearing news about Trayvon Martin, I was heavily in favor of justice being served and George Zimmerman being put on trial.   I saw the pictures of a tween little smiling light skinned black boy....I heard the president say if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon....I said "How could they not arrest that guy for shooting this little boy?" I said all of this and thought all this because that's the way the story was presented. As  time went on, more facts were revealed that put the kid in a little less favorable light. At that point, I realized both that my opinion may have been wrong....and what the fuck am I doing with an opinion of a murder investigation in Florida anyway? There's no way that I can form a proper conclusion without being presented all the facts....and there's no way I have the attention span to read through all of them. So my opinion is 100% based on what I was told and what other people's uninformed bullshit opinions are. I listen. I follow. I'm a lemming. I say "that's what she said" and "everything the light touches is our kingdom." I'm a product.....not a person. I'm the vess version of dr. Pepper. I'm Dr. Thunder. Fuck me.

UNMADE BEDS AND THE JOURNEY OF THE DECK PEAS

Two nights ago at around 2:00 am, I was woken up by my fiancé yelling my name from the living room. I jumped out of bed and quickly thumped down the hall to see what was going on. She claimed that it sounded like someone had just slapped the glass door (probably about 10 feet from where she was sitting) in an attempt to break into our home. My first thought was that maybe a bird had hit the glass in an errant attempt at flying at night...but when we raised the shade, we saw a large can of peas rolling around on the deck outside. Why would someone throw a can of peas at someone's house? Is there a lesson to be learned? Was it their idea to use the peas to break glass? Why not a rock? It certainly wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Beer can, sure....on your way home....got a beer....don't want it or you're finished with it, you chuck it. Any reasonable person could understand that.....but peas? Nobody's walking around with peas. What kids/teenagers would even think to BUY peas? All of these questions swirled through my head as we waited for the police. An officer came and basically confirmed what I already knew....that yep, it was peas....and nope. Nothing was broke. We judged the distance and determined unless it was someone with a very strong arm, it was more than likely someone in our back yard or on our deck. He vowed to drive around the neighborhood to see if anyone was outside walking around....but I doubt he found anything. I just wish the person responsible had left a note as to his/her motives....and if the contents of the can had any relevance to the message....and if it was specific to us or if they just wanted SOMEONE to get woken up....these questions bother me and I fear I'll never know the answer to them.  Life is random. Nothing is explained. Nothing is wrapped up and the ends are always loose.  Life is an unmade bed. Even if you make it look great and arrange all of your decorative pillows, you're still going to have to get in it that night and fuck it all back up. I guess it all depends on if having it nice and neat for a short time is worth the effort knowing that the only way to keep it perfect is to never use it.  Kind of like the peas...not really sure how it ties into the peas. But it does. I think.

THE SOCIAL LOTTERY AND THE 300 $500′s

I woke up with a wonderful idea this morning.

The social lottery.

Imagine it………

Most people have………what? 5-6 friends? Really popular people might have 20-30. Some people don’t have ANY…….but in any given day you run into tons of familiar people that you see on a regular basis that you decide are people you’re going to treat well or treat like dog shit. WHAT I PROPOSE is a national lottery REQUIRED BY LAW in which the weekly/monthly winner/winners get 300 $500 checks made out to 300 people of their choice. The idea here isn’t for the winner of the lottery to GET RICH necessarily, but to spread the wealth to the first 300 people they feel are deserving of the money and give them all a really good day. Now of course this will need to be monitored closely and there will have to be safeguards in place to make sure that no one is cheating or trying to scan the system……..but the PURPOSE of it would be to promote that little thing in the back of the pizza man’s mind saying “maybe if I’m really nice to this customer, I’ll be in his/her 300.”

Is it fake nice-ness because of greed? Sure. At first. But after a while, being nice to eachother will just come second nature…….then every now and then you might get a check in your hand and a thank you. With that check, you can go buy an X-box……or a new couch……whatever makes you happy. Stimulate the mother fucking economy.

I fail to see how this won’t fix everything. It’s kind of like taxes only with a competitive edge and a chance to win something. HEY! GOVERNMENT! CASINOS MAKE A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY! MAYBE YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO! Give everyone a chance to get those 300 $500 checks…….they won’t be rich……but they’ll be the most popular person in town for a week or two…….until the next winner…….but you won’t FORGET the person who walked up and handed you $500. That person is your friend FOREVER……so make her chicken ceaser salad with care………bring her refills in a timely fashion……..AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP A LITTLE TO PAY OFF CHINA. WIN/WIN/WIN.

The joy of Giving and telling people you gave

I had two similar situations tonight that have left me questioning/over analyzing/keeping me awake thinking about. A friend of mine that I haven’t really kept in contact with until recently (when I needed his help) has donated a few Saturday nights to helping me with electrical shit in my new home…..GFI’s….ceiling fans….all kinds of shit. So Laura and I wanted to get him something as a thank you and decided on a best buy gift card and a “thank you” card….which in NO way begins to pay him what an electrician would charge and possibly belittles his contributions as if to say “this is all what you’ve done means to me.” that’s how a cynical person would look at it. That’s probably how I’d look at it.

My question is: does this small gesture actually express gratitude or does it just make ME feel better about taking advantage of my friend? Was it for him or was it for me? When we donate money to charities or give our old shit to goodwill, are we doing it to help people? Or are we doing it for karma? Maybe we’re just trying to convince ourselves that we’re good people….maybe we’re trying to convince OTHER PEOPLE that we’re good people.

I felt really good after sending an obnoxiously small amount of money to a collection I read about on Facebook for someone I only sort of know who lost her husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reason…and then immediately fired off an email to my mom and sister, patting myself on the back. Why would I do that? Why couldn’t I just do something nice? Why do I have to be recognized for it? Am I so shallow that I can’t drop $1 in the Ronald McDonald house bucket after the person taking my order has walked away? At weddings, when I tip the person working the open bar….why do I time it so they see me do it and are obliged to awkwardly thank me while handing me my free drink? They count their tips at the end of the night. My dollar will be there. Why is HE thanking ME for ME thanking HIM? That’s what a tip is…it’s a thank you….yet bad service still warrants a tip so I DON’T COME OFF AS CHEAP….so am I tipping for them or am I tipping for me? Like “I’m doing alright. I’m gonna tip this bitch.” Isn’t expecting gratitude for me expressing gratitude just mental masturbation? Is that just the mama’s boy in me or is this the way people are? Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Tell me I’m making sense.

The return of slavery and things around the house FINALLY getting done

Alright, I'm ready to admit that America bringing over Africans on boats so they could pick our cotton and cook our meals was wrong. But here's the thing...THERE'S A TON OF FUCKING WORK TO DO, and I don't know if you've been watching the news or not...but we don't have any money to pay anyone. It's time to bring slavery BACK.

Now I know what you're thinking...Mike's going all racist on us. Not the case. I don't think the answer is importing Africans or enslaving our current every day black people. Well, not ALL of them. What we NEED TO DO is enslave prisoners for the length of their sentence. Non violent folks can work in your average family's homes...the really bad ones we'll find something else for them...reality shows...cranking up those crank 'em flashlights that don't run on batteries...but if you're convicted of a crime, you're no longer sent to sit in a cell and rape each other...you'll be put to work doing my laundry or mowing my lawn.

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING! We lose all of the overcrowding in prisons. We lose incarcerated folks' disconnect from the outside world. We get PLENTY of work done. WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE?!?!?! Sure, with lax security (I mean...ankle bracelets and taze batons will help but it isn't the same as barbed wire and iron bars) there will be escapees. For those people, they'll be tracked down and punished. They were stupid enough to get caught the first time. Think we won't find you again, fella? What? Are they gonna flee to Mexico? Good. Fuck 'em. Good riddance. I just don't see an alternative. Things ran so much smoother back when we kept people against their will to do tasks no one else wanted to do. It slows everything down when people take sick days or get all uppity and quit. People are going to continue to break laws. Let's find a better way to handle that.

the honda pilot and a family in crisis

i tweeted a few weeks ago a question that i had in hopes someone would help me. it seems the "social" part of social media is broken, however, cause very rarely does anyone take the time to interact with me at all. i have questions that need to be answered. i'm a simple fellow with needs. like most people, i need food......water.......sleep.......blowjobs......

but more important than any of those things, i need to know why there's a black kid in the car in that honda pilot commercial....



.......look....i'm not a racist or anything......but it's pretty fucking obvious that kid isn't a member of that family. there's 5 white kids of varying ages......a pair of white parents.......and a random black kid. is it too much to ask that they explain this? one line of dialogue......"mr. and mrs. johnson, thank you for letting me accompany your family on this road trip! i need to call my mom and dad as soon as we stop in indianapolis for the night to let them know we got there safe." but no. i'm left to wonder the circumstances. foster kid? did his parents die in a fire and the first cop on the scene adopted him and has been raising him as his own? maybe this guy kidnapped the children and him and his obedient wife are taking them to the rape dungeon to play "feel in my pockets for the key to your handcuffs."

i'm sure there's an explanation for the black kid in the car. it shouldn't be so open to interpretation. people will let their minds wander to some dark places and those dark places don't sell cars....they confuse people. confused people don't buy cars. confused people start looking in the mirror or at their family albums......they start asking "are any of MY kids black?"

well...........................................are they?

DISCOVER CARDS AND USING YOUR HEAD

I like the discover card commercials where nice, upstanding white folks call customer service for their other (obviously inferior) credit card to cash in rewards points or frequent flyer miles. Sure enough though, they’re greeted by a Russian fellow named Peggy who’s conducting call center business in a fishing shack or sweatshop. He proceeds to give incredibly poor service which results in the commercial ending with the customer getting frustrated and switching to discover.

What I find funny about these commercials is the avoidance of using Indian or middle eastern characters. I figure the reasoning behind this is either….

A. Fear of being labeled racists or anti-Muslim. Although we all KNOW most of our calls are routed to India, we can’t portray that on television without being labeled racially insensitive.

B. They use middle eastern folks with americanized bullshit names themselves and don’t want to be called hypocrites for chastising the practice (even though the commercial implies when you call them, you’ll get a hot blonde in a polo shirt).

Or C. There really is a Russian call center somewhere that they’re targeting.

Either way, it’s a clever attempt at relating to us the frustrations of not understanding accents over the phone and poor, uninformed people from other countries reading scripted answers when we’re already frustrated with the situation that prompted us to make the call in the first place. The only problem is: they pussed out and went with a safer country of origin. I bet they had meetings about it.

Where’s a foreign country that has accents but they’re still white?

Germany? Too scary.

Belgium? Not scary enough.

Russia? PERFECT!

I’d be more inclined to switch to a company that didn’t veil their bullshit commercial in clever comedic quips and just said “you’ll talk to someone from america when you call us and they actually can help you.” 22 syllables. 10 seconds at most. Pay Christian Slater to read the sentence. Put up the logo….fade to black. I’m sold.