Vampires and lesbians

I've always been fascinated with female sexuality and the Ins and outs and what have yous of what exactly attracts the female gender.

There are 2 reasons for this fascination:

1. I know what a man likes because I am a man. When a guy tells me there's a girl coming in to the room who is physically attractive, I can either agree with them or disagree with them.....but either way, I can appreciate the assets a man bases his opinions on. With women, it's a whole different ballgame. I would like to understand this ballgame ultimately because I want to understand everything.
2. I enjoy women and would like to be desired by them. This rarely (if ever) is the case, but who DOESN'T want people to be attracted to them sexually?

Now of COURSE I understand lesbians. Women are curvy and sleek....they're like the human iPod whereas a man is that old, dust AM radio. We're hairy....we stink....

The one I really don't get: fucking vampires. What's with this vampire thing? He can't have lunch with you cause he's sleeping....he's pale.....he's cold.....and OH YEAH! IF HE GETS HUNGRY, HE'LL FUCKING EAT YOU.

I dated a girl who tried to kill me (twice) and I'll admit....a bat shit crazy woman can be sexy. It'll get the blood pumping....but superhuman strength and a history of cannibalism might be a tad on the extreme side.

That's true with the manendez brothers as well as Scott Peterson....the former killed their parents, the latter, his pregnant wife....it's been reported that they get hundreds of love letters/marriage proposals a year.....why? Tonya Harding and amy Fischer both put out sex tapes....and I'll admit, I watced both of them.....but not because they assaulted people.....but because I'll watch anyone fuck. I'll watch you fuck.....a donkey.....3 fat guys.....barbara Walters....doesn't matter. If there's video of people fucking, I'll watch it. That doesn't mean amy Fischer does anything for me....in fact, Its disgusting that she's out of jail making pornos while Mary jo is suffering and talking out of the side of her mouth....
As for celebrities, some I get....some I don't. I guess I'm not supposed to....which I guess makes sense....musicians can move you with their music....actors with their escapism....

This fucking vampire thing though.....explain it to me. Can vampires even get boners?

Nickels and address labels

I just got my monthly letter from the paralyzed veterans asking for contributions. Every 3 or 4 of these I get, I feel bad for all the free address labels and send them 5-10 bucks....but this one made me angry. Homer townsend jr. has a genius idea.....WOULDN'T IT BE SMART TO SEND EVERYONE ON OUR MAILING LIST A NICKEL, then politely ask them to mail it back to us as a show of support? "every nickel counts" homer says.

Well no, homer....because if every nickel counted, why would YOU be mailing ME a nickel? Charities asking for donations by mailing us change seems a bit wasteful. I know that I'm not the only one on their national mailing list. Are they sending out hundreds of thousands of nickels? Couldn't that $5,000 actually HELP the charity in question? I know you gotta spend money to make money....but not by directly handing me money and then asking me to give it back. Maybe I'm reading too much in to all of this. Maybe I should just write homer a fucking check.