KATHY IRELAND AND A ROLL OF SCOTCH TAPE

i remember my friend tim used to cut kathy ireland's head out of k-mart ads on sundays and draw cartoon naked bodies to tape them to. i believe the asking price for one of these masterpieces was 50 cents. i never ponied up and i'll tell you why: 1 had a decent imagination.....and 2, my dad is a long time playboy subscriber.

i'm sure it was a case of "boys being boys," which only frightens me about the future. this was the early 90's. back then, dudes had to either steal playboys from their dads or ACTUALLY TALK TO GIRLS.....WHICH AT THAT AGE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. nowadays, all you gotta do is type "boobs" or "naked" into a google search and the WHOLE WORLD is out in front of you. moderation only does so much and i guarentee "safe search" will turn up more than i ever had as a kid. kids don't need to be creative any more......they don't need to use k-mart ads or close their eyes and imagine anything......it's just there.

the other day, laura and i were having a conversation about "jungle fever." within 20 seconds, i was able to find a black guy ramming a 20 inch donger in a black chick's ass. it was that fast.

i didn't have to look at it in the tool shed in the back yard....taking turns with jarrod cardinal and jeremy griener.

there's nothing stopping you from just FINDING EVERYTHING. IT'S ALL JUST THERE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LEVEL OF DOUCHEBAGS WE'RE CREATING BY PUTTING EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER IN THEIR HANDS WITHIN 20 SECONDS?

ANYONE WITH AN IPHONE ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOWS "WHO'S THIS PLAYING ON THE RADIO?" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE! WASN'T FINDING OUT PART OF THE FUN? DIDN'T YOU DISCOVER MORE SHIT YOU ENJOYED IN THE PROCESS OF FINDING WHAT IT WAS YOU WERE INITIALLY LOOKING FOR? ONE OF THE FUNNEST NIGHTS I REMEMBER WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SINGS "THINKIN' BOUT YOU" IN MY APARTMENT. (it's london beat, by the way.)

the death of the album can be attributed to this......not illegal downloading...but LEGAL downloading. you discovered the album cuts that the artist poured his heart and soul into when you were drawn in by the commercial fluff they put out to get your attention.

i love the smashing pumpkins. the snarly scraggle toothed guy singing "today" made me want to check them out.....but mayonnaise, rocket and silverfuck are the tracks that get the most plays on my ipod. i needed "today" to get there, and if itunes was around then...i probably never would have listened to the rest of it and found 3 of my favorite songs in the world. in today's world, the pumpkins would be "fastball." you know....."where were they going without ever knowing the way?" AND TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, THEY PROBABLY ARE.

tapes almost forced you to listen to all the songs. it was too big of a hassle to fast forward/rewind/flip it over.....and i'm better for that experience. WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE IF I ONLY KNEW "CAN'T TOUCH THIS" AND COULDN'T BELT OUT "HAVE YOU SEEN HER" ON CUE?

the JOURNEY, GOD DAMN IT! I KNOW I SOUND LIKE AN OLD "BACK IN MY DAY" FUCK.....BUT IT'S THE FUCKING TRUTH.

it's great that we have all this technology. i love having wikipedia. but we've gotten to the point where everything is a click away and the only thing that can hold a kid's attention is a guy that names his abs or a coke head with a cute dog in her purse. normal people saying rational things just doesn't do the trick any more....and if you grow up watching stupid.....you think stupid's cool. SO THEN IF STUPID'S COOL.....EVERYONE WILL ATTEMPT TO PROVE THEY'RE THE STUPIDEST.....ONE DOWNING ONE ANOTHER UNTIL WE'RE ALL FORCED TO WATCH GEORGE LOPEZ. THAT'LL BE ALL THERE IS.......

channels about food....
channels about kicking eachother in the balls........
paula abdul selling cheap jewelry on qvc........
kate gosselin and lisa rinna both having their own reality shows........
shows about former pro-wrestlers' butch, manly daughters strutting around with too much make-up on........
shows about washed up, wig wearing one hit wonder 80's hair metal singers rangling a bunch of whores and choosing one to mate with....while in the process mating with all the rest of them and singing "every rose has it's thorns" in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.......

and george fucking lopez.

that's the future, guys. that's where we're heading. thank god we're not there yet.

magneto and the failures of storytelling

the perks of pecs and the power of the sun

murdering chevy chase and my dad's green rain coat

elite parking and the jetsons sideways escalator

Going country and the dolphins making me cry

It has been noted that country fans are now the only people buying records. With this revelation, artists* like Darius rucker** Jessica Simpson*** and my jewel have all taken a dumbing down approach to songwriting (or in Jessica simpson's case....song selection). The idea is to fall in line and sound more like everyone else in an attempt to regain relevance. What you would imagine would happen is the community would see this as an insincere attempt to cash in....especially if you check the jewel timeline and see her first failed attempt at reinventing herself as a bimbo pop artist (0304 era). Fortunately for them, country radio and fans embrace turning minor celebrities to the dark side. Darius rucker is currently opening for one of the top guys in the biz (whatever a brad paisley is) and Jessica simpson's parlayed a successful country album into another awful reality show.
So what we've learned from this is if your career in music has gone to shit, you have two options....go country or collaborate with timbaland. Ask Chris Cornell how that one worked out for him.

*I use that term loosely.
**who before that tried his hand at selling burger king chicken sandwiches
***who tried a shitty reality show and a few shorty movies before coming back to shorty music

Life without windows and toilets

I was thinking alot about mega man today. Do those guys just sit in
rooms with no windows and one door waiting for him to come kill them?
If air man kills mega man, does he call heat man to tell him to go
about his life or does heatman just sit in that room until he
eventually dies? Where's the bathroom? How does snake man take a shit?
If they want to leave their themed domain to hang out with dr. Wiley,
do they have to fight their way out from all the bomb bats or angry
indestructible slinky monsters....or are they all friends? Henchmen?
Bodyguards? Are they PROTECTING him from mega man (who, lets be
honest...is invading their home) or is their common goal just to get
him there and make him dead? If he teleports to these locations upon
his own free will, why doesn't he just go teleport into dr. Wiley's
bedroom? Is mega man's goal just absolute destruction of all robots
except him?

How does he extract bad guys' powers? Is he pulling it out of their
ass? Doesn't his original form compared to some of his upgrades prove
what a superior engineer Wiley is to dr. Light? Is that what this is
all about? Is mega man busting up wiley's shit cause light's jealous?
Those platform rockets could come in handy.

It's really just a fluke that he makes it through all those bosses.
Ultimately, he's a gay little boy in spandex wearing a bike helmet and
an arm cannon. It seems a tremendous waste of time to wait around in
an empty room to fight him.....especially with no window.

Agiminera and the clone war

Every band That has ever become remotely popular has seen many similar acts pop up to try to leech off that success. For every nirvana, there's a bush....for every nickelback, there's a theory of a deadman....for every maroon 5 or coldplay, there's a million other pussy bands like onerepublic or keane to get signed to attempt to steal some of that thunder.* no one has been more successful at the cloning process, however, than Christina aguilera. In the late 90's/early 2000's....Britney spears was all the rave. Eventually, the clones started pouring in....Mandy Moore.....Jessica Simpson....and most notably, Christina aguilera. She genie in a bottled her way to the top of the charts by playing the "cute little blonde chick in jeans" role....then when Britney went slut.....Christina soon followed. After a while, they settled into seperate careers....one went nuts/got married twice/shaved her head....one took some time out of the spotlight and did a direct
tv commercial.

Then lady gaga hit. One part Madonna....one part Cher....one part transexual burlesque show....the god damn chick was weird. Is she super talented? No. But she's insanely creative and her songs are catchy.

So Christina aguilera showed her true colors and did it again. The chameleon of pop music assumed the identity of what is now the trend. She decided "I was Britney....I can be lady gaga now too" and put out the ironically titled "not myself tonight." have you ever been yourself, Christina? Do you even know what that means?

The saddest part is: she's 10x more gifted than the people she replicates....and in most cases, the musical style doesn't lend itself to her big voice. ANYONE can sing this shit with all the processing and auto-tuning channels it runs through....but BITCH CAN SING, man....for some reason though, she has chosen not to showcase that....

Listen to how that sounds. THAT WOULD BE LIKE GEORGE CARLIN, ARGUABLY THE GREATEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN OF ALL-TIME, SAYING "YES. MY MATERIAL IS BRILLIANT, EDGY AND FUCKING HILARIOUS....BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO VIDEO TAPE ANDREW DICE CLAY'S NURSERY RHYMES AND MEMORIZE THEM SO I CAN DO THAT INSTEAD.

Is it the same thing? No. Would christina's original music be any good?probably not. But in a WORLD OF AUTO-TUNE AND REALLY AWFUL KINDA RAP VALLEY GIRL SHIT** if you CAN actually sing, is that something to be ashamed of? It's not like you're writing anything anyway, christina.....Take off that silly mask, put on a mini-skirt and do something original....for once in your god damn life...even if that means telling your writers/managers/handlers "I'm tired of doing other peoples' act. I've got talent and a fanbase. Let's try something new."

*I'm not saying any of those first bands are terribly original...just saying coldplay made pussy rock popular at a time pussy rock wasn't popular. Everyone borrows from somewhere. Music's formula is pretty well set.

**I'm looking at you, Kesha. Your shit sounds like the first five seconds of sir mix alot's "baby got back" mixed with kangaroos raping eachother's mouths. Please die in a fire.

Uppity broads and the key to mike's heart

I don't like people. Chances are, faithful reader....I don't like you. I've never been a warm guy. That doesn't mean I wish you ill will.....it doesn't mean I won't engage in pleasant conversation with you....it just means if I had a choice between sitting home and playing with myself or interacting with you in a social situation, 999 times out of 1,000* I'd choose the former.

Having said this, I'm aware that as a person....you're required to link yourself to multiple people to go eat food or see movies with. For some reason it has been established that things like that are meant to be done in packs. What's important in assembling a pack of folks to eat food and see movies with is to find a group that doesn't annoy the fuck out of you and on occasion, really entertains and/or interests you. The PROBLEM with this process is to take into account that YOUR pack has their OWN pack. Very rarely is there a closed pack where no one has outside ties....unfortunately, this means most of the time there's gonna be shitheads at your table eating food with you that you're gonna like even less than YOUR shitheads.

Just to give you an example: in my lifetime, I've liked 4 1/4** of my packs' girlfriends....that's having multiple hockey teams and countless friends/acquaintences. This is probably less than a 10% average. I don't dislike females. I like females very much. I get along with most of the females I meet....it just seems like my friends have poor taste. It's not their fault....they chose to be friends with me. I don't judge....not out loud...but that's the game you play....you roll the dice and hope the people you associate with choose their associations well. Sometimes you get a Jesse or a Scroggins or nick fucking Hughett.....other times you get something completely different.***

*the 1 time would be if I had already spanked it the other 999 times....my dick would be tired.

**I'm still convinced one of chris dick's girlfriends had multiple personalities. One of the 4 was alot fun.

***I'm not going to bash anyone and I'm not going to defend my "uppity broad" remark either. I hope everyone is smart enough to know this isn't about one person and might just be for entertainment purposes.

Killing me sweetly and the mystery of "your"

As a society, I think we're finished. I'm listening to my iPod and the
Scott weiland song "killing me sweetly" comes on. Is it the greatest
song ever? No....but I enjoy it. That's not what this is about.

I'm thinking...hmmm....the lyrics are fairly straightforward but
perhaps it's about something completely different or someone has a
different interpretation....so I go to "songmeanings.com" and read the
lyrics....I was shocked at what I found.

A WEBSITE WITH SONG LYRICS TRANSCRIBED CAN NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BEETWEEN "YOU'RE" and "YOUR." even scarier than that....multiple times
they included the line "I can't find away." AWAY?!?!?!?!? are you
fucking KIDDING ME?!?!?! we're done. It's over. It's one thing to see
people on Twitter spelling shit wrong....but LEGIT WEBSITES
TRANSCRIBING SONG LYRICS? Stephanie meyer and jk Rowling are the
biggest 2 names in literature in the last 10 years....and they write
books on a 4TH GRADE READING LEVEL! ARE WE TO ASSUME THIS IS JUST A
COINCIDENCE?!?!?!?! is the next Stephen king novel going to be titled
"WEREWOLVES LOL:)" we're going to need things that are "so easy a
caveman can do it." that's where we're headed.

It's over.