THE LINE FORMING FOR JAMES HOLMES AND THE SURRENDER

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DISNEY VILLAINS AND THE BASTARDIZATION OF THE BEARDED MAN

my niece hates my guts. any time i walk into the room, she immediately starts crying. there has been over a year of testing and the results are in. she fucking hates me. i know it’s probably just some kind of vibe i give off….or maybe i’m not holding her right……..or maybe there’s no reason. maybe she’s just a baby. i have a theory though that i want to run by you guys and see what you think though……… i think it’s disney’s fault. and yes……..she’s 1. she hasn’t seen a ton of disney movies……but animals adapt over time to survive……birds’ beaks change shape……we grow extra fingers to help grip our food…….fur may change colors to better disguise themselves from potential predators……..and disney movies have taught us not to trust people with facial hair. look at the evidence………

aladdin’s clean shaven……

bad guy has a fucking beard……

captain hook with the stache……

ratigan had some kind of 5:00 shadow thing going on……

they even made it kind of obvious with uncle scar from the lion king…….kinda making his chin hair considerably longer than all the lions as if to say “his maintenance of his chin hair is the first sign that he’s evil……

you see evidence of this psychological change everywhere whether you’re aware of it or not…….look at the characters used as the bad guys in the mega-hit “hunger games” movie that came out earlier this year…….look how they convey the characters’ evilness without words……

we don’t even know it’s happening……but it’s happening. our babies are being born with prejudice towards facial hair because all of our villains have it. little harley’s dad and grandpa both shave regularly. the only person she sees regularly with the devil’s bush is me…….and i make her cry. this is how it starts. and pretty soon they’ll be hunting us down and burning us for crimes we look like we might commit. prepare yourselves for a fight, fellow non-shavers. it’s coming.

Your sleeves and pockets

I know for a fact that when I do laundry, I put one dryer sheet in the dryer with an entire load of clothes. One. Never more. What puzzles me is that once it has run its cycle and the clothes come out, get hung on hangers and placed in closets....EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING has a hidden dryer sheet in a sleeve or a pants leg.

There is no way that there isn't something fishy going on. Don't tell me I'm crazy, cause I'm not. One goes in....15 come out. There's some kind of heat activated multiplier in action.....but why? If they're more visible, are we reminded more often to purchase them? Does it increase the softness/dryness of my clothes to travel beyond the laundry room and reveal itself right before the article is worn?

....or is there something more sinister at play? Someone told me a few years ago that if I put a dryer sheet in my pocket, it keeps Mosquitos away. That seems made up....but there are studies that say its true....

<a href="http://www.emaxhealth.com/1275/bounce-dryer-sheets-repel-gnats-mosquitoes">like this one</a>

.....but really to me it seems like someone somewhere wants people carrying around dryer sheets. Whether its old wives tales about Mosquitos or the heat activated multiplier that inserts one into everything....we're being urged to bring them with us wherever we go because it benefits someone somehow. I've read enough x-men comic books to know that if an entire population is suddenly being told to carry something weird with them, some villain somewhere has a ray gun or a mind control device pointed right at their faces.

Why do they call it "bounce?" What's bouncing? Clothes don't bounce. Dryers don't bounce. I hope I'm opening your eyes to some shit here, you guys.....ask questions. Don't just ACCEPT dryer sheets into your sleeves and pockets. THAT'S HOW THEY WIN.

A congress of everyone and the Thursday night polling place

What do you think would happen if we did away with the government all together and everything was decided on by a national vote? Every Thursday, polling places are opened and America gets it's say on all of the hot button issues that face this nation. Sure, we could still have talk radio where they argue their perspective....sure, bill maher will still have plenty to bitch about due to conservatives and religious folks turning out strong to keep us in line with god's message....but it seems like if EVERYONE had equal say in the issues, no one would have anyone to blame but themselves when shit hit the fan. You want no taxes? Cool....but we're gonna be driving on some shitty roads. As a people, I wonder if we'd know what was best for us....or if we need daddy in the capital telling us what to do. Is it imperative to our existence that someone be in charge?

Could we get the teen voting strong enough to get "stronger" by Kelly Clarkson adopted as our new national anthem? Could the potheads finally get marijuana legalized? If you removed the lobbies and the corporate influence on politicians from the equation and left it up to the people....all the uneducated dumb shits that live here....would things be better or worse? I'm not saying change our laws or remove police or firefighters....I just mean instead of 50 or 100 people dictating policy, voting and writing bills....EVERYONE represents THEMSELVES and gets a say....if at the very least gets a vote....

First thing I'd try to get on a ballot is demanding the expansion of in n out burger to the Midwest. You cock suckers on the west coast don't know how good you got it. Share your burgers or you won't like my second proposition....invasion.

Mr. Rogers and Purple Dinosaurs

I saw an auto-tuned Mr. Rogers video where the overall premise from his words seemed to be encouraging kids to have ideas, to be curious and to have an imagination. I know I'm a 30 year old man, but it was kind of inspiring in a weird sort of way. Part of it, I'd imagine is that I grew up watching this guy....but part of it is that it's not seen anymore. Could you IMAGINE that kind of talk in this age? To encourage children to be individuals....to challenge them to walk their OWN path and find their OWN way as opposed to fitting in to a predestined set of bullshit? Mr. Rogers would be considered RADICAL by today's standards....with high pitched sounds, flashing lights and colors, sponges wearing pants and purple dinosaurs dancing and singing disposable kid bop pop music....fucking mr. Rogers just sat you down and told you how it is. He said "look, man....be nice to your fucking mail man. I saw a raccoon today and he had a family and that's fucking sweet. Maybe we shouldn't trust everything we're told. Maybe we should read a fucking book every now and then and educate ourselves.". I don't know if that's an exact quote....but I think the message is pretty close. I think the world is dumber now on purpose. I think we've been duped into considering things like a guy who lives alone and plays with toy trains weird or faggy and we've been charmed by the lights and the sounds of mindless nonsense that encourages nothing but distraction. There are no mr. Rogers' any more because we're not supposed to hear things like that. Our children aren't encouraged to do anything but see whatever the fuck the wiggles are dance and sing....then they eat at McDonald's....maybe graduate high school....WORK at McDonald's....and never make any reasonable attempt at an original thought beyond what they'll have for dinner that night. I imagine that's good for whoever's running the show...all these obedient workers. WHY ARE PEOPLE WEARING CHE GUEVARA SHIRTS? PEOPLE SHOULD BE WEARING FUCKING MR. ROGERS SHIRTS! AND IF SOMEONE SAYS YOUR SHIRT IS GAY, OR STUPID....PUNCH THEM IN THE FUCKING MOUTH....CAUSE YOU'RE A GOD DAMN INDIVIDUAL AND YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER FUCKING SHIRT YOU WANT!



M. Moore/Happy Goat Shirts
http://happygoatshirts.com

TRAYVON, FLAVORED JIZZ AND DR. THUNDER

When I come up with something that I consider to be a great blog or podcast idea, I usually run it by my friends at the bar just to see how it plays. They're my test audience. I work out the kinks in my presentation and then come home and furiously type it into my iPhone or yell it into a microphone. Last night, I was convinced I had a real gem. We take a team of scientists away from their never ending research on achieving/improving/prolonging erections and focus them on creating a supplement or pill or injection that makes semen amazingly delicious. We create a multitude of flavors ranging from cake icing to Cinnabon to piña colada in hopes of creating a market for men who want their ladies to blow them on a more regular basis and NOT ONLY GET BLOW JOBS, BUT GET YOUR GAL TO SWALLOW YOUR BATCH! I went through the entire pitch....I told my friend Nappier all of the positives of this product....I probably talked for a good 5-17 minutes and he listened attentively. Finally, he chimed in and told me that everything I had just said was stolen from the comedian Ron White.  I was heart broken. Not only was my idea already thought of....but was it even really my idea? I have cable. I've seen plenty of Ron White's comedy. Did I see the act in question? Did his act hide away in my subconscious and then wander back years and years later in a different voice.....my voice? Are any of my thoughts original or is it all just derivatives of things I've experienced through music/readings/teachings? And are our opinions based on other peoples' opinions? We know the news because someone interprets it to us....but is there anyway to avoid your thoughts or decisions being tainted/skewed by someone else?   I remember when first hearing news about Trayvon Martin, I was heavily in favor of justice being served and George Zimmerman being put on trial.   I saw the pictures of a tween little smiling light skinned black boy....I heard the president say if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon....I said "How could they not arrest that guy for shooting this little boy?" I said all of this and thought all this because that's the way the story was presented. As  time went on, more facts were revealed that put the kid in a little less favorable light. At that point, I realized both that my opinion may have been wrong....and what the fuck am I doing with an opinion of a murder investigation in Florida anyway? There's no way that I can form a proper conclusion without being presented all the facts....and there's no way I have the attention span to read through all of them. So my opinion is 100% based on what I was told and what other people's uninformed bullshit opinions are. I listen. I follow. I'm a lemming. I say "that's what she said" and "everything the light touches is our kingdom." I'm a product.....not a person. I'm the vess version of dr. Pepper. I'm Dr. Thunder. Fuck me.

UNMADE BEDS AND THE JOURNEY OF THE DECK PEAS

Two nights ago at around 2:00 am, I was woken up by my fiancé yelling my name from the living room. I jumped out of bed and quickly thumped down the hall to see what was going on. She claimed that it sounded like someone had just slapped the glass door (probably about 10 feet from where she was sitting) in an attempt to break into our home. My first thought was that maybe a bird had hit the glass in an errant attempt at flying at night...but when we raised the shade, we saw a large can of peas rolling around on the deck outside. Why would someone throw a can of peas at someone's house? Is there a lesson to be learned? Was it their idea to use the peas to break glass? Why not a rock? It certainly wasn't a spur of the moment decision. Beer can, sure....on your way home....got a beer....don't want it or you're finished with it, you chuck it. Any reasonable person could understand that.....but peas? Nobody's walking around with peas. What kids/teenagers would even think to BUY peas? All of these questions swirled through my head as we waited for the police. An officer came and basically confirmed what I already knew....that yep, it was peas....and nope. Nothing was broke. We judged the distance and determined unless it was someone with a very strong arm, it was more than likely someone in our back yard or on our deck. He vowed to drive around the neighborhood to see if anyone was outside walking around....but I doubt he found anything. I just wish the person responsible had left a note as to his/her motives....and if the contents of the can had any relevance to the message....and if it was specific to us or if they just wanted SOMEONE to get woken up....these questions bother me and I fear I'll never know the answer to them.  Life is random. Nothing is explained. Nothing is wrapped up and the ends are always loose.  Life is an unmade bed. Even if you make it look great and arrange all of your decorative pillows, you're still going to have to get in it that night and fuck it all back up. I guess it all depends on if having it nice and neat for a short time is worth the effort knowing that the only way to keep it perfect is to never use it.  Kind of like the peas...not really sure how it ties into the peas. But it does. I think.

THE SOCIAL LOTTERY AND THE 300 $500′s

I woke up with a wonderful idea this morning.

The social lottery.

Imagine it………

Most people have………what? 5-6 friends? Really popular people might have 20-30. Some people don’t have ANY…….but in any given day you run into tons of familiar people that you see on a regular basis that you decide are people you’re going to treat well or treat like dog shit. WHAT I PROPOSE is a national lottery REQUIRED BY LAW in which the weekly/monthly winner/winners get 300 $500 checks made out to 300 people of their choice. The idea here isn’t for the winner of the lottery to GET RICH necessarily, but to spread the wealth to the first 300 people they feel are deserving of the money and give them all a really good day. Now of course this will need to be monitored closely and there will have to be safeguards in place to make sure that no one is cheating or trying to scan the system……..but the PURPOSE of it would be to promote that little thing in the back of the pizza man’s mind saying “maybe if I’m really nice to this customer, I’ll be in his/her 300.”

Is it fake nice-ness because of greed? Sure. At first. But after a while, being nice to eachother will just come second nature…….then every now and then you might get a check in your hand and a thank you. With that check, you can go buy an X-box……or a new couch……whatever makes you happy. Stimulate the mother fucking economy.

I fail to see how this won’t fix everything. It’s kind of like taxes only with a competitive edge and a chance to win something. HEY! GOVERNMENT! CASINOS MAKE A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY! MAYBE YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO! Give everyone a chance to get those 300 $500 checks…….they won’t be rich……but they’ll be the most popular person in town for a week or two…….until the next winner…….but you won’t FORGET the person who walked up and handed you $500. That person is your friend FOREVER……so make her chicken ceaser salad with care………bring her refills in a timely fashion……..AND THE GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP A LITTLE TO PAY OFF CHINA. WIN/WIN/WIN.

The joy of Giving and telling people you gave

I had two similar situations tonight that have left me questioning/over analyzing/keeping me awake thinking about. A friend of mine that I haven’t really kept in contact with until recently (when I needed his help) has donated a few Saturday nights to helping me with electrical shit in my new home…..GFI’s….ceiling fans….all kinds of shit. So Laura and I wanted to get him something as a thank you and decided on a best buy gift card and a “thank you” card….which in NO way begins to pay him what an electrician would charge and possibly belittles his contributions as if to say “this is all what you’ve done means to me.” that’s how a cynical person would look at it. That’s probably how I’d look at it.

My question is: does this small gesture actually express gratitude or does it just make ME feel better about taking advantage of my friend? Was it for him or was it for me? When we donate money to charities or give our old shit to goodwill, are we doing it to help people? Or are we doing it for karma? Maybe we’re just trying to convince ourselves that we’re good people….maybe we’re trying to convince OTHER PEOPLE that we’re good people.

I felt really good after sending an obnoxiously small amount of money to a collection I read about on Facebook for someone I only sort of know who lost her husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reason…and then immediately fired off an email to my mom and sister, patting myself on the back. Why would I do that? Why couldn’t I just do something nice? Why do I have to be recognized for it? Am I so shallow that I can’t drop $1 in the Ronald McDonald house bucket after the person taking my order has walked away? At weddings, when I tip the person working the open bar….why do I time it so they see me do it and are obliged to awkwardly thank me while handing me my free drink? They count their tips at the end of the night. My dollar will be there. Why is HE thanking ME for ME thanking HIM? That’s what a tip is…it’s a thank you….yet bad service still warrants a tip so I DON’T COME OFF AS CHEAP….so am I tipping for them or am I tipping for me? Like “I’m doing alright. I’m gonna tip this bitch.” Isn’t expecting gratitude for me expressing gratitude just mental masturbation? Is that just the mama’s boy in me or is this the way people are? Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Tell me I’m making sense.

The return of slavery and things around the house FINALLY getting done

Alright, I'm ready to admit that America bringing over Africans on boats so they could pick our cotton and cook our meals was wrong. But here's the thing...THERE'S A TON OF FUCKING WORK TO DO, and I don't know if you've been watching the news or not...but we don't have any money to pay anyone. It's time to bring slavery BACK.

Now I know what you're thinking...Mike's going all racist on us. Not the case. I don't think the answer is importing Africans or enslaving our current every day black people. Well, not ALL of them. What we NEED TO DO is enslave prisoners for the length of their sentence. Non violent folks can work in your average family's homes...the really bad ones we'll find something else for them...reality shows...cranking up those crank 'em flashlights that don't run on batteries...but if you're convicted of a crime, you're no longer sent to sit in a cell and rape each other...you'll be put to work doing my laundry or mowing my lawn.

IT SOLVES EVERYTHING! We lose all of the overcrowding in prisons. We lose incarcerated folks' disconnect from the outside world. We get PLENTY of work done. WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE?!?!?! Sure, with lax security (I mean...ankle bracelets and taze batons will help but it isn't the same as barbed wire and iron bars) there will be escapees. For those people, they'll be tracked down and punished. They were stupid enough to get caught the first time. Think we won't find you again, fella? What? Are they gonna flee to Mexico? Good. Fuck 'em. Good riddance. I just don't see an alternative. Things ran so much smoother back when we kept people against their will to do tasks no one else wanted to do. It slows everything down when people take sick days or get all uppity and quit. People are going to continue to break laws. Let's find a better way to handle that.