The joy of Giving and telling people you gave

I had two similar situations tonight that have left me questioning/over analyzing/keeping me awake thinking about. A friend of mine that I haven’t really kept in contact with until recently (when I needed his help) has donated a few Saturday nights to helping me with electrical shit in my new home…..GFI’s….ceiling fans….all kinds of shit. So Laura and I wanted to get him something as a thank you and decided on a best buy gift card and a “thank you” card….which in NO way begins to pay him what an electrician would charge and possibly belittles his contributions as if to say “this is all what you’ve done means to me.” that’s how a cynical person would look at it. That’s probably how I’d look at it.

My question is: does this small gesture actually express gratitude or does it just make ME feel better about taking advantage of my friend? Was it for him or was it for me? When we donate money to charities or give our old shit to goodwill, are we doing it to help people? Or are we doing it for karma? Maybe we’re just trying to convince ourselves that we’re good people….maybe we’re trying to convince OTHER PEOPLE that we’re good people.

I felt really good after sending an obnoxiously small amount of money to a collection I read about on Facebook for someone I only sort of know who lost her husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reason…and then immediately fired off an email to my mom and sister, patting myself on the back. Why would I do that? Why couldn’t I just do something nice? Why do I have to be recognized for it? Am I so shallow that I can’t drop $1 in the Ronald McDonald house bucket after the person taking my order has walked away? At weddings, when I tip the person working the open bar….why do I time it so they see me do it and are obliged to awkwardly thank me while handing me my free drink? They count their tips at the end of the night. My dollar will be there. Why is HE thanking ME for ME thanking HIM? That’s what a tip is…it’s a thank you….yet bad service still warrants a tip so I DON’T COME OFF AS CHEAP….so am I tipping for them or am I tipping for me? Like “I’m doing alright. I’m gonna tip this bitch.” Isn’t expecting gratitude for me expressing gratitude just mental masturbation? Is that just the mama’s boy in me or is this the way people are? Tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. Tell me I’m making sense.