Saturday, August 22, 2009

God's belly and other Indian favorites

I was Dicking around on facebook and found a religeon id never heard of, panentheism. I've alway been interested in organized religeon, so I looked it up.

Apparently, panentheism is big with the Indians and is the belief that we live in god's belly. (in a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.) basically, everything is god and we're living in everything....so we're living inside of god.

I guess I can buy into that. Sure. God, who is everything.....created everything....including us....out of everything else. He's not Santa. He's not a spooky puppetmaster or magic cloud wizard....he's everything. He's my phone and my Ginger ale and my car....which was built out of raw materials that are also god....I like that one. God's not up there watching everyone through his crystal ball and calling his bouncer to tell him who is and who isn't invited to his tea party....he's down here....in the form of everything. He's the lamp by my bed that watches me Jack off....he's the 90 year old Asian lady that drives 10 under the speed limit....he's Eric fucking Roberts. God is in all of us....and we are all in him....and on him....especially nick hughett.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

naps and cheers

i have never really been able to nap. i don't really know why this is. laura can nap any time she wants and i just fucking can't. i try. it just doesn't work. as i've gotten older, i've gone to bed earlier and woken up earlier....but if there's a night i stay up much later, i still get up right around 9. i then can't nap later in the day. once i'm up, i'm up.

i have one of the most boring jobs in the world and there's never really been a time where i almost fell asleep or anything......yet i basically slept all the way through high school and my brief attempt at college. those were the years where i was physically fit, young and horny. most of my classes had at least one girl i would like to see naked......not to mention an old man/woman attempting to teach me something that in some cases might be useful......yet i would generally sleep 2-3 hours a day at school...the only real time i ever napped.

the only thing that has changed is 50 lbs. and the likelihood of me having sex. i can't imagine i'm staying awake on the off chance laura taps me on the shoulder and demands penis........and i can't imagine that i was sleeping in geometry because none of the cheerleaders were "ra-ra-ree, suckin' on me d."

so why then? why could i nap so easily when it was necessary that i stay awake and learn......yet when it's a tuesday, i have nothing to do but eat, shit and watch tv....i can't fucking sleep past 9:30? does my body hate me? does my sleepytime regulator not want me to be happy? if i'm more sloth-like in my fat, old shell of my high school self......wouldn't mid-day snoozes be easier to achieve? it's not hereditary because my dad naps 7-14 times a day. do i need drugs? sheep? the sleep number bed? or do i need one of those little desks with the chair attached to it? is that how i'm going to get naps? do i need to pay for community college classes to get some fucking sleep? maybe i used up all my naps when i didn't need them and i'm being karma-fucked like chris was for complaining about getting too many blowjobs. maybe my classroom snoozes are me being KARMA-FUCKED like sarah bothering us for years about going to the fucking GOLDEN CORRAL for years only to go there and have EXTREMELY SHITTY FOOD! MAYBE KARMA IS FUCKING ME FOR TAKING HIGH SCHOOL LIGHTLY BY MAKING ME STAY AWAKE THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIT SHIFT AT MY SHIT JOB THAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF MY SHIT ATTITUDE.

...or maybe i just slept through school cause i was up 'til 3 or 4 in the morning jacking off. maybe there's no change but i sleep more regularly now. who knows?

Monday, August 10, 2009

Minesweeper and the degradation of quality free time activities

I used to spend my free time doing creative things like writing....drawing.....making goofy songs about Clayton trying to sell nick knife sets....now I listen to the radio and play fucking bejeweled....either that or try to talk Laura into sex....none of which is getting me anywhere.....except the sex....that's good times.....

I just miss the days when I had the drive to create something. We used to attempt to make movies....I used to attempt to write stories and screenplays and anything else that popped into my head....

I don't have that drive any more. I've become a guy that sits at his desk, looking out the window and waiting for 6:00 to roll around so I can go eat/buy toilet paper/whack off/whatever uninteresting thing I have on my agenda for that day. It's sad. My creative mind has been pummeled into mush by the typical day of sitting in this fucking chair with nothing but Howard stern and cell phone games.

I'm not saying that I had brilliant ideas....
I'm not saying I was talented at my work when it came to writing or art....
I'm just saying I had a DESIRE to MAKE those things....good or bad....and that desire is GONE. My life seems so unimportant without artistic expression. Before, it almost seemed like if I died, someone would find my notebooks of half finished stories and say "damn, mike should've finished this."

Right now, it seems like the only 2 questions that would be asked are

1. Who gets my computer?
And 2. Who would cover my work hours the rest of the week?

It makes me sick to know that I know the names of Eric Harris and Dylan klebold, but none of the names of the 13 people they killed. Same goes for that little fucking douchebag at Virginia tech that killed 32 people, cho chun chi lee yu wing pak or whatever the fuck his name was. We had 3 solid weeks of hearing all about his life on every news station there is. Ultimately, it all boils down to your impact on the lives of the people around you. The more of an impact you have, the more of a difference you've made in the world....which lasts as your legacy.

As I've been sitting here bummed out that my creative days are long gone....I've wondered how I can have a lasting legacy on the world. I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to be a celebrity....but I do have a message that the world should hear....and I believe if this blog were broadcast on television in between news of whoever obama's shaking hands with and whatever idiot killed their baby or crashed their car....if we put this up on Karen foss' TelePrompTer, I could better the lives of EVERYONE WHO HEARS IT.....

My message is simple: if you have a choice at the bank of getting behind a car or getting behind a minivan, ALWAYS....and I DO MEAN ALWAYS....get behind the car. 999 times out of 1000, it will be faster.

I hope you can get my message out to as many people as possible. The guy that shot all the women at that gym's blogs weren't even close to as helpful as that. I'm adding minutes to your life....and what'd he do? Whine that he hadn't gotten laid since 1990? I'm the ugliest dude I know (well....2nd ugliest. There's a guy I know in Springfield much uglier) and there's always SOMEONE that'll throw you a pity fuck. There's some desperate fat chicks that'll do all kinds of crazy stuff....a 19 year drought sounds like someone is a little too picky. Not everyone can fuck Heidi klumm.....only really sexy guys like seal can hook up with hotties like that.

Back to bejeweled.....maybe I'll do a podcast tonight. Maybe I'll eat edy's ice cream and watch the oxygen network....I guess the future is looking brighter every moment.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Tantric and exits

How many band members are allowed to leave a band before they're not really that band any more? More importantly: can a band like queen really go out on tour and pretend to be queen when their singer (and only actual queen) has died? Who wants to see Paul Rodgers do queen karaoke for 2 hours? Who wants to see a little Korean kid sing journey songs?

The funny thing about journey is, they're HEADLINING tours with the likes of heart, cheap trick, foreigner....WITH SOME GUY THEY FOUND ON FUCKING YOUTUBE. SO THE ORIGINAL LINEUP OF HEART GOES OUT AND PLAYS THEIR HITS....then a 20-something year old kid goes up there and pretends to be steve Perry....it's like some kind of joke.

I don't think any of the guys in lynyrd skynyrd are original members....wait....looked it up....I'm wrong....rhythm guitar player and keyboardist are the same.....still not lynyrd skynyrd......lynyrd skynyrd died in a fucking plane crash.

It's weird though...cause some of them I give a pass to. Alice in chains is touring and recording a new album without layne....Jerry cantrell was the primary song writer and did half the singing....so I would say Alice in chains is still aloud to be Alice in chains.

TANTRIC on the other hand, was formed from the 3 guys in days of the new that Travis meeks fired.....so TANTRIC was 3/4 more days of the new than days of the new was.....so THEY get a new singer....some dude named Hugo that does a decent Travis meeks impression....and start a new band called tantric. They put out 2 albums....then the 3 founding members quit and HUGO, by himself.....RELEASES 2 ALBUMS IN '08 and '09 AS TANTRIC. that's false advertising. Now not only is days of the new not days of the new....but tantric isn't tantric either.

It really seems to be on a case by case basis for me. Although it has always been said Billy corgan played everything but drums, wrote everything and had primary control over the entire creative process in making a pumpkins record.....the zwan album, his solo album and the pumpkins album he made with just Jimmy was not nearly as brilliant as the stuff he made with the whole band in the room.....not to mention, one of the few songs co-written by James iha was "mayonnaise," which is probably their greatest song to date....is the smashing pumpkins the smashing pumpkins with their singer/writer/lead guitarist and some no name band including a 19 year old drummer? That kid wasn't even born when Gish came out.

Van halen got Sammy Hagar. Ac/dc got Brian Johnson. Can you just put a different guy up on stage and still claim to be the band that created these great songs? Or are we watching tribute bands?

I think it all boils down to making great music AFTER the switch that doesn't betray your band's legacy or distinct sound....proving you can go on without the former members....something journey has not done.....something lynyrd skynyrd has not done.....but something that bands like metallica (who took shit in a different direction with the addition of jason newstead and made some incredible music) and ac/dc, who wasted NO TIME putting out back in black, which is arguably their best album....after the death of their original singer.

Bands have their own sound. You can tell the difference between over-processed studio magic and the real deal. There's nothing buckethead can noodle on that god damn Chinese democracy that will move me the way slash did when he walked out of that big church, made it a small church, created a wind storm and played the fuck out of the 2 solos in November rain. That's not to say buckethead isn't a great guitar player.....I've seen him live....the guy's incredible....but he's not what I'm looking for when I want to hear guns n roses. Neither is Axel at this point. That doesn't make Chinese democracy bad.....it just makes it not guns n roses. It makes it a bad guns n roses impersonation. It makes it what shinedown is to soundgarden. It makes it what buckcherry is to the counting crows. It makes it what the silversun pickups are to the smashing pumpkins....and that is: tribute bands that play originals. You kind of sound like fun and your songs are catchy to a
point...I'll be distracted and entertained for an hour...but you ain't writing no classics. Music is forgettable now. No one has any original thoughts. No one has any staying power.

It's like I'm imagining a man with a saxaphone on a street corner....a man that used to play because he loved to play....but now he just plays the songs he knows over and over....and he's not playing because he loves to play....he's playing cause if you hear that familiar tune, you'll throw money in his case. Money's not in searching through the woods.....money is in taking the same path everyone else has already paved for you. Sadly, the finished product is less than satisfying.

...fuck you, Hugo. You fooled me into buying into tantric when I was hoping for some Days of the new run off....but I didn't sign up for your bullshit.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

chaz and neo penises

cher's daughter, chastity recently announced that she would be doing some wacked out chopping on her giner to somewhow form what appears to be a dick.

i'm all about people being free to do whatever they want with their own bodies as long as they're not harming anyone else....but this is the part that i don't get....chastity bono is a lesbian. she's in a committed relationship with another lesbian. if she creates a magical weiner (i think the technical term is neo-penis....but "magical weiner" sounds much better to me) but yeah......if she now has a penis and wants to be referred to as "chaz," wouldn't that mean her lesbian lover was not really a lesbian? a lesbian who wants her GIRLFRIEND to grow a DICK is not a REAL LESBIAN. if i ever say to laura "man, you'd be so much hotter if you had a big cock," i would, in fact, be a gay guy. not to say there's anything wrong with being a straight chick......i've always had a rather warm place in my heart for girls that enjoy peni in or on them....but it's odd to me that a LESBIAN would want her LESBIAN LOVER to have a donger. apologies.......a neo-donger.

are people who get sex changes legally eligible for the whole marriage thing? are SEX CHANGES actually recognized as a real thing? cause.....dude......i've seen some wacky shit being a howard stern fan for 10 years....and the sex changes i've seen were not very convincing. cut off your schlong........sorry. still a dude.

the chick in "just one of the guys" didn't look like a dude.....

rupaul doesn't look like a chick.......

chyna doesn't look like a chick.......

sex changes don't get the job done. you're still what you were......you just mutilated your junk. dummy.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

BLACK PODCAST AND DEBALLING CHRIS CORNELL

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/

NOW UP: THE BLACK-CAST. ENJOY.

podcast for 7-29-09 and grande meaning large

35 minutes of music and me talking about the music/saying "ummm" alot. i will be doing this occasionally because i kind of had fun putting it together. i'd give you the tracklisting but that'd take away the surprise.

it's not all new music......it's not all old music. it's stuff that i was in the mood to listen to and felt like sharing. we won't say weekly........we'll say SOMETIMES. i hope you enjoy it.

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/


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