Going country and the dolphins making me cry

It has been noted that country fans are now the only people buying records. With this revelation, artists* like Darius rucker** Jessica Simpson*** and my jewel have all taken a dumbing down approach to songwriting (or in Jessica simpson's case....song selection). The idea is to fall in line and sound more like everyone else in an attempt to regain relevance. What you would imagine would happen is the community would see this as an insincere attempt to cash in....especially if you check the jewel timeline and see her first failed attempt at reinventing herself as a bimbo pop artist (0304 era). Fortunately for them, country radio and fans embrace turning minor celebrities to the dark side. Darius rucker is currently opening for one of the top guys in the biz (whatever a brad paisley is) and Jessica simpson's parlayed a successful country album into another awful reality show.
So what we've learned from this is if your career in music has gone to shit, you have two options....go country or collaborate with timbaland. Ask Chris Cornell how that one worked out for him.

*I use that term loosely.
**who before that tried his hand at selling burger king chicken sandwiches
***who tried a shitty reality show and a few shorty movies before coming back to shorty music

Life without windows and toilets

I was thinking alot about mega man today. Do those guys just sit in
rooms with no windows and one door waiting for him to come kill them?
If air man kills mega man, does he call heat man to tell him to go
about his life or does heatman just sit in that room until he
eventually dies? Where's the bathroom? How does snake man take a shit?
If they want to leave their themed domain to hang out with dr. Wiley,
do they have to fight their way out from all the bomb bats or angry
indestructible slinky monsters....or are they all friends? Henchmen?
Bodyguards? Are they PROTECTING him from mega man (who, lets be
honest...is invading their home) or is their common goal just to get
him there and make him dead? If he teleports to these locations upon
his own free will, why doesn't he just go teleport into dr. Wiley's
bedroom? Is mega man's goal just absolute destruction of all robots
except him?

How does he extract bad guys' powers? Is he pulling it out of their
ass? Doesn't his original form compared to some of his upgrades prove
what a superior engineer Wiley is to dr. Light? Is that what this is
all about? Is mega man busting up wiley's shit cause light's jealous?
Those platform rockets could come in handy.

It's really just a fluke that he makes it through all those bosses.
Ultimately, he's a gay little boy in spandex wearing a bike helmet and
an arm cannon. It seems a tremendous waste of time to wait around in
an empty room to fight him.....especially with no window.

Agiminera and the clone war

Every band That has ever become remotely popular has seen many similar acts pop up to try to leech off that success. For every nirvana, there's a bush....for every nickelback, there's a theory of a deadman....for every maroon 5 or coldplay, there's a million other pussy bands like onerepublic or keane to get signed to attempt to steal some of that thunder.* no one has been more successful at the cloning process, however, than Christina aguilera. In the late 90's/early 2000's....Britney spears was all the rave. Eventually, the clones started pouring in....Mandy Moore.....Jessica Simpson....and most notably, Christina aguilera. She genie in a bottled her way to the top of the charts by playing the "cute little blonde chick in jeans" role....then when Britney went slut.....Christina soon followed. After a while, they settled into seperate careers....one went nuts/got married twice/shaved her head....one took some time out of the spotlight and did a direct
tv commercial.

Then lady gaga hit. One part Madonna....one part Cher....one part transexual burlesque show....the god damn chick was weird. Is she super talented? No. But she's insanely creative and her songs are catchy.

So Christina aguilera showed her true colors and did it again. The chameleon of pop music assumed the identity of what is now the trend. She decided "I was Britney....I can be lady gaga now too" and put out the ironically titled "not myself tonight." have you ever been yourself, Christina? Do you even know what that means?

The saddest part is: she's 10x more gifted than the people she replicates....and in most cases, the musical style doesn't lend itself to her big voice. ANYONE can sing this shit with all the processing and auto-tuning channels it runs through....but BITCH CAN SING, man....for some reason though, she has chosen not to showcase that....

Listen to how that sounds. THAT WOULD BE LIKE GEORGE CARLIN, ARGUABLY THE GREATEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN OF ALL-TIME, SAYING "YES. MY MATERIAL IS BRILLIANT, EDGY AND FUCKING HILARIOUS....BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO VIDEO TAPE ANDREW DICE CLAY'S NURSERY RHYMES AND MEMORIZE THEM SO I CAN DO THAT INSTEAD.

Is it the same thing? No. Would christina's original music be any good?probably not. But in a WORLD OF AUTO-TUNE AND REALLY AWFUL KINDA RAP VALLEY GIRL SHIT** if you CAN actually sing, is that something to be ashamed of? It's not like you're writing anything anyway, christina.....Take off that silly mask, put on a mini-skirt and do something original....for once in your god damn life...even if that means telling your writers/managers/handlers "I'm tired of doing other peoples' act. I've got talent and a fanbase. Let's try something new."

*I'm not saying any of those first bands are terribly original...just saying coldplay made pussy rock popular at a time pussy rock wasn't popular. Everyone borrows from somewhere. Music's formula is pretty well set.

**I'm looking at you, Kesha. Your shit sounds like the first five seconds of sir mix alot's "baby got back" mixed with kangaroos raping eachother's mouths. Please die in a fire.

Uppity broads and the key to mike's heart

I don't like people. Chances are, faithful reader....I don't like you. I've never been a warm guy. That doesn't mean I wish you ill will.....it doesn't mean I won't engage in pleasant conversation with you....it just means if I had a choice between sitting home and playing with myself or interacting with you in a social situation, 999 times out of 1,000* I'd choose the former.

Having said this, I'm aware that as a person....you're required to link yourself to multiple people to go eat food or see movies with. For some reason it has been established that things like that are meant to be done in packs. What's important in assembling a pack of folks to eat food and see movies with is to find a group that doesn't annoy the fuck out of you and on occasion, really entertains and/or interests you. The PROBLEM with this process is to take into account that YOUR pack has their OWN pack. Very rarely is there a closed pack where no one has outside ties....unfortunately, this means most of the time there's gonna be shitheads at your table eating food with you that you're gonna like even less than YOUR shitheads.

Just to give you an example: in my lifetime, I've liked 4 1/4** of my packs' girlfriends....that's having multiple hockey teams and countless friends/acquaintences. This is probably less than a 10% average. I don't dislike females. I like females very much. I get along with most of the females I meet....it just seems like my friends have poor taste. It's not their fault....they chose to be friends with me. I don't judge....not out loud...but that's the game you play....you roll the dice and hope the people you associate with choose their associations well. Sometimes you get a Jesse or a Scroggins or nick fucking Hughett.....other times you get something completely different.***

*the 1 time would be if I had already spanked it the other 999 times....my dick would be tired.

**I'm still convinced one of chris dick's girlfriends had multiple personalities. One of the 4 was alot fun.

***I'm not going to bash anyone and I'm not going to defend my "uppity broad" remark either. I hope everyone is smart enough to know this isn't about one person and might just be for entertainment purposes.

Killing me sweetly and the mystery of "your"

As a society, I think we're finished. I'm listening to my iPod and the
Scott weiland song "killing me sweetly" comes on. Is it the greatest
song ever? No....but I enjoy it. That's not what this is about.

I'm thinking...hmmm....the lyrics are fairly straightforward but
perhaps it's about something completely different or someone has a
different interpretation....so I go to "songmeanings.com" and read the
lyrics....I was shocked at what I found.

A WEBSITE WITH SONG LYRICS TRANSCRIBED CAN NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BEETWEEN "YOU'RE" and "YOUR." even scarier than that....multiple times
they included the line "I can't find away." AWAY?!?!?!?!? are you
fucking KIDDING ME?!?!?! we're done. It's over. It's one thing to see
people on Twitter spelling shit wrong....but LEGIT WEBSITES
TRANSCRIBING SONG LYRICS? Stephanie meyer and jk Rowling are the
biggest 2 names in literature in the last 10 years....and they write
books on a 4TH GRADE READING LEVEL! ARE WE TO ASSUME THIS IS JUST A
COINCIDENCE?!?!?!?! is the next Stephen king novel going to be titled
"WEREWOLVES LOL:)" we're going to need things that are "so easy a
caveman can do it." that's where we're headed.

It's over.

ARCHIVE: snickers cannons and intergalactic space racism

the other day i was off work and i just happened to run across a story on cnn that a gay and lesbian activist group was protesting snickers bars because their latest commercial is "homophobic." immediately i went to youtube to see this homophobic commercial for myself....

the commercial features a feminine speedwalker guy in little short shorts and a headband walking down the street.......out of nowhere, mr. t appears in a large army vehicle and begins shooting snickers bars at the man, claiming speedwalking is for sissies and he should be RUNNING like a REAL man. the man runs and mr. t yells out their new catchphrase....."get some nuts!" .....a double-triple-quadruple entendra if i've ever heard one.

so the way i look at it, and tell me if i'm wrong......why is that homophobic? i'll go a step further, isn't it MORE HOMOPHOBIC to make the jump to assume this man is gay? he isn't blowing anyone......he isn't holding any dudes' hands.......the guy's speedwalking. one of their last protests was rappers using the word "fag" as an insult to straight men who were being unmanly.....so is it the word or is it that they're using THEIR LIFESTYLE AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE AS THE BASIS TO INSULT SOMEONE? i would assume that's what it is.......so then to assume that just because this guy is being unmanly, that's their basis for assuming he's gay. AREN'T THEY KIND OF DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THEY TOLD EMINEM AND BUSTA RHYMES AND ALL THEM NOT TO DO? i don't think mr. t cared if the guy was gay or not....i think mr. t just had a fucking snickers bar gun and was looking for an excuse to shoot it at someone.

dude....do you think i'd be sitting here ranting about gay protests on cnn if i had a snickers bar gun? i'd be in your driveway right now honking the fucking horn......AND I HAVE A JOB! mr. t doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO, and he has a snickers bar gun loaded up with snickers bars. do you think he's doing investigations to determine sexual preference before he's blasting snickers bars at people? he's some kind of gay basher trying to rectify the evils of homosexuality by delivering delicious peanut, caramel and chocolate missles to them at high speeds? I HATE YOU! HERE'S A FUCKING CANDY BAR!

in the same half hour, they also discussed a story where a board of directors in texas got upset and demanded an apology because the commisioner referred to their unorganized paperwork situation as a "black hole." apparently the meeting could not continue until an apology was made......which the commisioner refused to give......because that would be the stupidest apology ever. he said "i'm not going to apologize because i was speaking of the science term." WHY CAN'T IT BE A PINK HOLE? OR A YELLOW HOLE?

cause the fucking things ARE BLACK! if he said the paperwork was A YELLOW HOLE......NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

the news reporters interviewed the guy at the end of the segment (which i have the youtube links for both at the bottom) in which he asked why devil's food cake is brown and angel's food cake is white........why the black sheep of the family is the bad one.......and then said "if i'm talking about being cheap and i say i'm gonna jew you down.....is that racist?"

well, yeah.......it is. similar to if i say "oh.....the black guy is 20 minutes late. he's on CPT." yes.....that is a statement regarding someone's ethnicity......although both stereotypes are based observations that stem from witnessing this type of behavior from a large group of one particular group......they're still including every member of an ethnicity in a group of cheap people or late people....which yes, is a bit racist....

.....but referring to the color spectrum to discuss objects......how can that be considered racist? i think we've all agreed that referring to someone as "black" or "white" is pretty much the norm.......but are we supposed to ignore that there are other things out there that also are these colors? if i say i don't like black jellybeans (which isn't true.....i LOVE black jellybeans) will a black person take offense to that? if the oakland raiders come to town, are all of the black people in the stands going to root for them as opposed to the hometown blue/yellow guys? if i decide my walls shouldn't all be white and i want to add some color to them.....do i suddenly have jungle fever? and if i'm saying things like "my walls need color," is mr. t gona shoot me with his candy cannon?

the hole is black, you fucking moron.....just cause you are also black doesn't mean you have to stick up for it.

the world has gone crazy. it's just one minority group after another finding something to rally against.....and it's annoying. DO NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE OR YOUR ETHNICITY. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. SOMEONE ELSE BEING ATTRACTED TO DUDES DOES NOT MAKE YOU BROTHERS. I KNOW LOTS OF STRAIGHT, WHITE GUYS......AND IF SOME STRAIGHT WHITE GUY GETS WRONGED BY SOMEONE IN SOME WAY.....YOU DEFINATELY WON'T SEE ME RIOTING THE STREETS OF ST. LOUIS......I'LL BE AT WORK THE NEXT DAY TRYING TO PAY MY BILLS.....AND FOR SNICKERS BARS.....cause they're delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkT_d2OTgv0&feature=youtube_gdata

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc1zGRUPztc&feature=youtube_gdata

megan phelps and the twitter war

the westboro baptist church recently protested hazelwood central high school....my old stomping grounds. i was CURIOUS WHY, but they don't really tell you why.....they just begin screaming bible shit at you and tell you there's perverts in the building. well, sure......there's perverts in EVERY BUILDING.

ANYWAY, I POSTED A PICTURE OF MY BUDDY ROY AT THE RALLY....

http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

AND MAGICALLY, GOT MY WISH.....A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE "GOD HATES FAGS" FAMILY THAT WOULD ANSWER ALL OF MY QUESTIONS..........OR WOULD SHE?

(FOR YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER, WHEN IT SAYS @SHOWZAH...THAT MEANS SHE'S TALKING TO ME. WHEN IT SAYS @CRAZYBITCH, THAT MEANS I'M TALKING TO HER.)

@showzah Thanks for publishing our picket; way to add some relevant points to the discussion! (shakes head) RT http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

@meganphelps I was trying to figure out what you wackos were protesting. Is it just random hate/crap or do you have a process for selecting?

@meganphelps ummmm....hey there. I really am curious what the protest was about.

@meganphelps if you're "spreading god's word," you're doing a crappy job. Answer questions.

@meganphelps your dumb website just has lyrics to your dumb song. That's not an explanation. It's a parody. A JOKE. what's the protest FOR?

@showzah Have u seen my timeline? I answer lots of ?s; there's just a lot of them - gotta prioritize! What picket r u asking about again?

@meganphelps hazelwood central/Florissant, MO. If you're passionate enough to fly out here, isn't telling the people here why a high priority?

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE A CHARACTER LIMIT...SO I DON'T REALLY GET TO BE VERY ARTICULATE. TWITTER'S KIND OF DUMB.

@showzah Uh huh -- that's why we issue press releases. See how that works? =) http://tiny.cc/BqpwA

@meganphelps bible jargon and vague nonsense. That doesn't tell me anything. God hates the school...great. WHY does god hate the school?

@showzah He hates u 4 teaching kids rebellion: that it's ok 2 b gay, 2 fornicate, 2 murder babies - tho God says He'll curse u 4 those sins!

@showzah You're not seriously denying that, are you? Anyone w. a single brain cells knows that under the headings of "diversity" &

@showzah "tolerance," you promote what God hates. In this generation, you're a freak if you're not having sex by the time you're 14 or so.

@showzah CNN published a story showing that 25% of girls 14 to 19 have STD's. & if u say 1 word to suggest that it's not a great idea to be

@showzah a fag (in violation of God's clear standard, for which He promises to cure you), you're "homophobic" & "hateful." You've flipped

@showzah every standard on its head, such that "good" is now "evil" & vice versa. See Isa 5:20: "woe unto you!" i.e. God hates you for that!

@meganphelps do you even know specifics or do you follow Freddy blindly? This is a script you're reading from.

@meganphelps are you allowed to think for yourself or are you a scripted customer service rep of hate?

@meganphelps I'm really glad you guys are out in public and not at home breeding. That can be your gift to the world.

@meganphelps you're not replying to my questions, woman. You're throwing out your pre-written talking points. TALK NORMAL!

@showzah I did to! WE PICKET TO WARN YOU: YOUR JOB IS TO OBEY GOD! YOU AREN'T DOING IT! HE'LL CURSE YOU FOR THAT! How much plainer can I be?

@meganphelps how do you know anyone's relationship with god? You don't talk to people. You talk AT them. Shake hands. Have a chat.

@meganphelps the Mormons knock on doors....ride little bikes....hand out pamphlets....you guys' methods are a bit tacky in comparison.

@meganphelps I'm no fan of Mormons or anything.....just sayin'

@showzah U don't know that we talk to ppl a LOT, bc u don't talk to us; you rant & pretend not to understand simple concepts, which gets

@showzah the conversation exactly NOWHERE. U wanna talk methods? Read Jude (a short book; I memorized it, so don't pretend u can't do it!).

@meganphelps you're calling me a "ranter?" boy are YOU a CRACKPOT calling the kettle black. i understand the concept just fine. it's simple.

@meganphelps the concept is this: you think you're right. everyone thinks they're right...you're just pushy and crazy...so you're noticed.

@meganphelps but OUT-LOUD-ING someone doesn't win an argument. having a good point does...and if you don't have words of your own, how can

@meganphelps you argue? by quoting OTHER PEOPLES' WORDS....it's just silly. you're silly. a silly woman with a washed mind. grow up.

@meganphelps get yourself a nice dress. read a mystery novel or something. eat a cheeseburger. live YOUR life...

@meganphelps ever see free willy? little kid and a whale. good movie. rent it. i bet you cry. it gets you. i'm telling you...it gets you.

@meganphelps i hope it's internet shorthand and you do know the difference between too/to/two. were you all home schooled?

@meganphelps shouldn't those poor kids you drag around be in school? you're not teaching them english, are you?

@meganphelps i guess in the world of phelps, all you need is to learn how to copy and paste though, right?

@showzah What can I say? 140-character limits suck! Public school. Graduated w/BBA in Finance (4.0). None of it matters if u don't obey God.

@meganphelps i understand the 140-character limit and i'll take your word for it. you're not going to watch free willy, are you?


@showzah Unlikely. =) I remember starting it when I was little, but it didn't hold my attn, so I didn't finish it. I'm way more of a reader!


SHE MIGHT BE DONE WITH ME AFTER I RECOMMENDED FREE WILLY....A FILM IN WHICH A GAY WHALE KIDNAPS A SMALL BOY.....I HOPE IT WAS A GOOD READ FOR YOU GUYS. I'M STILL HERE.....JUST NOT AS FRISKY AS I USED TO BE.

HUGS AND KISSES,

MIKE