Ladies of the night and the perks of the job

Most jobs of note have the common practice of giving experienced employees pay raises. After all, with time at your position, you become a well oiled machine….producing your product with skill a precision, therefore it only makes sense that as your output steps up, so does your pay. Most companies make efforts to keep their tenured employees happy with perks like added vacation or benefits….more responsibilities….maybe a bigger office….

When considering prostitutes in this scenario, I have 2 trains of thought.

Experience is not necessarily a good thing. Of course when I say this, I may be looking at it from a girlfriend point of view instead of what it is….sex for hire. Do you want a pro? Even if this is someone I’m paying to have one sexual encounter with, wouldn’t I want it to be someone who hasn’t been in the game long? At the same time, if you’re paying for a service….don’t you want the best?

Do prostitutes get raises? Do you give enough $20 blow jobs that you graduate to $30 blow jobs? Does word of mouth (no pun intended) get around that Sparkles does quality work to a point where demand increases….therefore she’s able to raise the price? Or does it have the opposite effect? If you hear she blew the guy you’re talking to, does that make the price go down? Again, girlfriend rules applicable, if a friend of your’s banged them, doesn’t that make them off limits? It isn’t just man code…it’s Eskimo brothers….putting it where someone you know already blazed the trail….it’s just weird.

Is this a juvenile way of looking at this? Who do you ask? I have questions.

CAPES AND TIES

I’ve never understood capes. With the exception of batman,
who uses his to glide when jumping off tall buildings and
shit…no cape really serves a practical purpose. Neither do ties,
come to think of it. What does a tie do? It gets caught in
machinery….it makes your neckline tighter and less
comfortable….but what is the positives of the tie? At some point,
someone started wearing a tie….everyone thought he was an idiot
until people started copying the style….it became a trend and now
for hundreds of years we walk around with colorful strips of silk
tied around our fucking neck. It really leads me to believe that
the right person can change the world’s thinking over time if they
do something radical enough to get noticed….cause people are
sheep. They see superman in a cape and think: “my fucking hero
needs a cape.” before long, the villains are wearing
capes….everyone’s got one….and no one stops to ask: what is the
practical purpose of this cape? My best example: Mr. Sinister.



His cape doesn’t blow in the wind. His cape doesn’t help him glide. Mr. Sinister
can’t even fly. You want to know the sad part? Mr. Sinister doesn’t
even have an alter ego. Superman puts on a suit and tie and acts
like Clark Kent some time. Batman probably wears silk pajamas at
night when he’s getting ready to bang Vicky Vale. Sinister wakes up
every morning and has to put on that elaborate, skin tight, blue
body suit with the spidery cape….I guess just to be scary
looking. Think there’s mornings he wakes up and questions his life
decisions? Maybe he shoulda been Mr. Snuggy. No one is that
committed to a persona that there aren’t sweat pants days. How
would you even poop with a cape on? Do you flip it up over your
head? I generally take my shirt off in fear it’ll drop into the
danger zone. At the very LEAST it would drag on the floor of the
bathroom stall, which in public places could be much more
disgusting than some of the places you chase the penguin around
Gotham. Does he clean his bat suit? What do you clean it with? You
should smell my hockey stuff. It smells terrible….and I haven’t
fought a single villain in it. Simply sweat. Can you imagine all
the toxins the joker and poison ivy have thrown on that
thing….the smell that would create…. But ties. Honestly, what
purpose do they serve?

KATHY IRELAND AND A ROLL OF SCOTCH TAPE

i remember my friend tim used to cut kathy ireland's head out of k-mart ads on sundays and draw cartoon naked bodies to tape them to. i believe the asking price for one of these masterpieces was 50 cents. i never ponied up and i'll tell you why: 1 had a decent imagination.....and 2, my dad is a long time playboy subscriber.

i'm sure it was a case of "boys being boys," which only frightens me about the future. this was the early 90's. back then, dudes had to either steal playboys from their dads or ACTUALLY TALK TO GIRLS.....WHICH AT THAT AGE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. nowadays, all you gotta do is type "boobs" or "naked" into a google search and the WHOLE WORLD is out in front of you. moderation only does so much and i guarentee "safe search" will turn up more than i ever had as a kid. kids don't need to be creative any more......they don't need to use k-mart ads or close their eyes and imagine anything......it's just there.

the other day, laura and i were having a conversation about "jungle fever." within 20 seconds, i was able to find a black guy ramming a 20 inch donger in a black chick's ass. it was that fast.

i didn't have to look at it in the tool shed in the back yard....taking turns with jarrod cardinal and jeremy griener.

there's nothing stopping you from just FINDING EVERYTHING. IT'S ALL JUST THERE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LEVEL OF DOUCHEBAGS WE'RE CREATING BY PUTTING EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER IN THEIR HANDS WITHIN 20 SECONDS?

ANYONE WITH AN IPHONE ALL OF A SUDDEN KNOWS "WHO'S THIS PLAYING ON THE RADIO?" IN LESS THAN A MINUTE! WASN'T FINDING OUT PART OF THE FUN? DIDN'T YOU DISCOVER MORE SHIT YOU ENJOYED IN THE PROCESS OF FINDING WHAT IT WAS YOU WERE INITIALLY LOOKING FOR? ONE OF THE FUNNEST NIGHTS I REMEMBER WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SINGS "THINKIN' BOUT YOU" IN MY APARTMENT. (it's london beat, by the way.)

the death of the album can be attributed to this......not illegal downloading...but LEGAL downloading. you discovered the album cuts that the artist poured his heart and soul into when you were drawn in by the commercial fluff they put out to get your attention.

i love the smashing pumpkins. the snarly scraggle toothed guy singing "today" made me want to check them out.....but mayonnaise, rocket and silverfuck are the tracks that get the most plays on my ipod. i needed "today" to get there, and if itunes was around then...i probably never would have listened to the rest of it and found 3 of my favorite songs in the world. in today's world, the pumpkins would be "fastball." you know....."where were they going without ever knowing the way?" AND TO A LOT OF PEOPLE, THEY PROBABLY ARE.

tapes almost forced you to listen to all the songs. it was too big of a hassle to fast forward/rewind/flip it over.....and i'm better for that experience. WHAT WOULD MY LIFE BE LIKE IF I ONLY KNEW "CAN'T TOUCH THIS" AND COULDN'T BELT OUT "HAVE YOU SEEN HER" ON CUE?

the JOURNEY, GOD DAMN IT! I KNOW I SOUND LIKE AN OLD "BACK IN MY DAY" FUCK.....BUT IT'S THE FUCKING TRUTH.

it's great that we have all this technology. i love having wikipedia. but we've gotten to the point where everything is a click away and the only thing that can hold a kid's attention is a guy that names his abs or a coke head with a cute dog in her purse. normal people saying rational things just doesn't do the trick any more....and if you grow up watching stupid.....you think stupid's cool. SO THEN IF STUPID'S COOL.....EVERYONE WILL ATTEMPT TO PROVE THEY'RE THE STUPIDEST.....ONE DOWNING ONE ANOTHER UNTIL WE'RE ALL FORCED TO WATCH GEORGE LOPEZ. THAT'LL BE ALL THERE IS.......

channels about food....
channels about kicking eachother in the balls........
paula abdul selling cheap jewelry on qvc........
kate gosselin and lisa rinna both having their own reality shows........
shows about former pro-wrestlers' butch, manly daughters strutting around with too much make-up on........
shows about washed up, wig wearing one hit wonder 80's hair metal singers rangling a bunch of whores and choosing one to mate with....while in the process mating with all the rest of them and singing "every rose has it's thorns" in EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.......

and george fucking lopez.

that's the future, guys. that's where we're heading. thank god we're not there yet.

magneto and the failures of storytelling

the perks of pecs and the power of the sun

murdering chevy chase and my dad's green rain coat

elite parking and the jetsons sideways escalator