Vampires and lesbians

I've always been fascinated with female sexuality and the Ins and outs and what have yous of what exactly attracts the female gender.

There are 2 reasons for this fascination:

1. I know what a man likes because I am a man. When a guy tells me there's a girl coming in to the room who is physically attractive, I can either agree with them or disagree with them.....but either way, I can appreciate the assets a man bases his opinions on. With women, it's a whole different ballgame. I would like to understand this ballgame ultimately because I want to understand everything.
2. I enjoy women and would like to be desired by them. This rarely (if ever) is the case, but who DOESN'T want people to be attracted to them sexually?

Now of COURSE I understand lesbians. Women are curvy and sleek....they're like the human iPod whereas a man is that old, dust AM radio. We're hairy....we stink....

The one I really don't get: fucking vampires. What's with this vampire thing? He can't have lunch with you cause he's sleeping....he's pale.....he's cold.....and OH YEAH! IF HE GETS HUNGRY, HE'LL FUCKING EAT YOU.

I dated a girl who tried to kill me (twice) and I'll admit....a bat shit crazy woman can be sexy. It'll get the blood pumping....but superhuman strength and a history of cannibalism might be a tad on the extreme side.

That's true with the manendez brothers as well as Scott Peterson....the former killed their parents, the latter, his pregnant wife....it's been reported that they get hundreds of love letters/marriage proposals a year.....why? Tonya Harding and amy Fischer both put out sex tapes....and I'll admit, I watced both of them.....but not because they assaulted people.....but because I'll watch anyone fuck. I'll watch you fuck.....a donkey.....3 fat guys.....barbara Walters....doesn't matter. If there's video of people fucking, I'll watch it. That doesn't mean amy Fischer does anything for me....in fact, Its disgusting that she's out of jail making pornos while Mary jo is suffering and talking out of the side of her mouth....
As for celebrities, some I get....some I don't. I guess I'm not supposed to....which I guess makes sense....musicians can move you with their music....actors with their escapism....

This fucking vampire thing though.....explain it to me. Can vampires even get boners?

Nickels and address labels

I just got my monthly letter from the paralyzed veterans asking for contributions. Every 3 or 4 of these I get, I feel bad for all the free address labels and send them 5-10 bucks....but this one made me angry. Homer townsend jr. has a genius idea.....WOULDN'T IT BE SMART TO SEND EVERYONE ON OUR MAILING LIST A NICKEL, then politely ask them to mail it back to us as a show of support? "every nickel counts" homer says.

Well no, homer....because if every nickel counted, why would YOU be mailing ME a nickel? Charities asking for donations by mailing us change seems a bit wasteful. I know that I'm not the only one on their national mailing list. Are they sending out hundreds of thousands of nickels? Couldn't that $5,000 actually HELP the charity in question? I know you gotta spend money to make money....but not by directly handing me money and then asking me to give it back. Maybe I'm reading too much in to all of this. Maybe I should just write homer a fucking check.

Subjects as titles (i hope) and the wonders of modern technology.

I'm testing this out via iPhone to see if this email addy really posts stuff to my blog. Problem is: tiny keys and fat fucking fingers combined with auto-spell-correct obviously not speaking mike makes for strange writing conditions.....worth a shot though, right? So myspace deleted some of by really old stuff....which sucks cause I had fun yesterday going through that crap. The best part was the comments which unfortunately I had a hard time carrying over.....with this one I'm pretty sure anyone can leave comments anonymous or otherwise. We'll see how this goes I guess.

Mike out.

ARCHIVE: chef boyardee and the 48 hour policy

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

recently i was asked by one of you silly females if it's normal that her boyfriend humps her all the time.....not even sexually.....but he grabs her by the hips and just dry humps her when she turns her back to him or something like that. i explained to her that the problem would be solved if every now and then she threw him a mercy handy. she thought i was joking. LET ME EXPLAIN: we make goo. our goo is meant to be distributed. if you fill the factory up with goo and the UPS guy never shows up........the guys in the factory get a. pissed off that they're working for nothing b. full of goo. where's it gonna go? c. they become salesmen.....and you don't WANT these factory guys trying to SELL the goo........you want them doing what they're good at........making goo. .....so if you got these guys getting pissed, that means drastic stuff is going to happen. the goo needs to be distributed. they take PRIDE in their goo and it needs to go somewhere every 48 hours or so to see the world. they don't know where it goes.......they just know that door opens and it's going somewhere and making someone happy and that is GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. you keep the goo there collecting dust, they start pulling wires and banging against the walls....calling old friends to see if they want some almost expired goo......that's when we start saying shit that doesn't make sense, drive at excessive speeds, pick fights with people and grab you from behind and hump you like a crazy person....it's all relative. we're goo distributers. all of us. imagine if chef boyardee cooked up all of that ravioli and no one ever ate it. imagine if chef boyardee was just sitting around looking at all the cans with his fat fucking face on it... .....be happy he's dry humping you and not STABBING YOU! MERCY HANDIES IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! DO IT FOR ALL OF US! I HAVEN'T LET A BATCH GO BAD SINCE 1995! MY BOYS WORK HARD AND I TREAT THEIR PRODUCT WITH RESPECT! if i started letting them get overstocked, i fear all of your safety. trust me, if nappier lost both of his hands, he wouldn't be able to crank any more out manually.......but i bet you he'd still find a way to pull the trigger on a few of those guns he has downstairs. the dude needs to distribute some goo. JUST REMEMBER: EVERY 48 HOURS. FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE.

ARCHIVE: 8% and menstruation

Saturday, September 22, 2007

bobby and i have had a theory for a long time that about every month or so a man has what we call an "extra 8% day." basically, extra 8% day is a day you wake up and for some reason, your penis is larger. it never lasts more than 24 hours....but you are just OBVIOUSLY BIGGER than on any other given day. i don't think there's a scientific explanation as to why these things occur.....what i do know is today was my extra 8% day. it was a sad day for me because extra 8% days should be celebrated. i should take a vacation day to enjoy it.....maybe wear tight pants.......maybe wear NO pants.......as nick would say, porky pig it for a day......the only problem is, they can not be planned. i have to sit around work knowing there's a masterpiece down there that i can't do anything about until 6. i guess extra 8% days are kind of like periods. they come about once a month and you just gotta keep going on with your day even though you KNOW there's something going on in your pants..... now i know how you feel, ladies. we got it rough.

ARCHIVE: biting amanda bynes’ ass and the discovery of one’s inner whore

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

how old am i allowed to be before it's creepy i want to bite amanda bynes' ass? females are finding their sexuality earlier and earlier as the years go on. britney spears was 17 when the whole "hit me baby one more time" shit came out. lindsay lohan was 17 when she did mean girls.......the two of them set off a chain reaction......creating the fashion trends of fuck me skirts and short shorts in junior highs across the nation that's making for a very serious problem...... that problem is dudes in their 20's being creepy. 17 17 see my point? i dont want to be creepy but they aren't going to stop any time soon and i don't see myself not thinking it's attractive any more. the girls at hooters and in playboy and in porn are all younger than my little sister. how long do i have? my friend kevin's about to turn 30. is he going to have to get a michelle pfeiffer poster? susan sarandon? (who both still look pretty good for their age.....but that's my point........FOR THEIR AGE IS STILL GIVING THEM A "SEXY HANDICAP"....they can't hold a torch to the miss teen USA girls......they just haven't CRASHED ALL THE WAY INTO THE WALL YET........) perhaps these things come with time. when the time is right, i will learn to enjoy what an older woman has to offer............when the time is right......the natural progression of things...... i need to get out. i have a headache.

ARCHIVE: my disease and taking difficult pictures

Monday, August 27, 2007

i have never had a cavity. lately, i've been worried that i might have one. or more than one. i don't know.....cause i don't know what i'm looking at or for. so what i did......is i tried to take a picture of the inside of my mouth so that someone could tell me........i soon learned that that is not NEARLY as easy as it sounds. after experimenting with different lighting (and looking up "experiment" to make sure i had spelled it right) i found one that does a pretty decent job of showing my teeth...... unfortunately, it uncovered something EVEN MORE TROUBLING..... apparently i have fraggles. i'm calling the doctor in the morning to ask if they're contagious....i'm also going to make sure i spelled contagious right.....cause i'm worried about that as well. i'll let you all know as soon as i hear anything. until then, i will quarantine myself. it was nice knowing you all.