the honda pilot and a family in crisis

i tweeted a few weeks ago a question that i had in hopes someone would help me. it seems the "social" part of social media is broken, however, cause very rarely does anyone take the time to interact with me at all. i have questions that need to be answered. i'm a simple fellow with needs. like most people, i need food......water.......sleep.......blowjobs......

but more important than any of those things, i need to know why there's a black kid in the car in that honda pilot commercial....



.......look....i'm not a racist or anything......but it's pretty fucking obvious that kid isn't a member of that family. there's 5 white kids of varying ages......a pair of white parents.......and a random black kid. is it too much to ask that they explain this? one line of dialogue......"mr. and mrs. johnson, thank you for letting me accompany your family on this road trip! i need to call my mom and dad as soon as we stop in indianapolis for the night to let them know we got there safe." but no. i'm left to wonder the circumstances. foster kid? did his parents die in a fire and the first cop on the scene adopted him and has been raising him as his own? maybe this guy kidnapped the children and him and his obedient wife are taking them to the rape dungeon to play "feel in my pockets for the key to your handcuffs."

i'm sure there's an explanation for the black kid in the car. it shouldn't be so open to interpretation. people will let their minds wander to some dark places and those dark places don't sell cars....they confuse people. confused people don't buy cars. confused people start looking in the mirror or at their family albums......they start asking "are any of MY kids black?"

well...........................................are they?

DISCOVER CARDS AND USING YOUR HEAD

I like the discover card commercials where nice, upstanding white folks call customer service for their other (obviously inferior) credit card to cash in rewards points or frequent flyer miles. Sure enough though, they’re greeted by a Russian fellow named Peggy who’s conducting call center business in a fishing shack or sweatshop. He proceeds to give incredibly poor service which results in the commercial ending with the customer getting frustrated and switching to discover.

What I find funny about these commercials is the avoidance of using Indian or middle eastern characters. I figure the reasoning behind this is either….

A. Fear of being labeled racists or anti-Muslim. Although we all KNOW most of our calls are routed to India, we can’t portray that on television without being labeled racially insensitive.

B. They use middle eastern folks with americanized bullshit names themselves and don’t want to be called hypocrites for chastising the practice (even though the commercial implies when you call them, you’ll get a hot blonde in a polo shirt).

Or C. There really is a Russian call center somewhere that they’re targeting.

Either way, it’s a clever attempt at relating to us the frustrations of not understanding accents over the phone and poor, uninformed people from other countries reading scripted answers when we’re already frustrated with the situation that prompted us to make the call in the first place. The only problem is: they pussed out and went with a safer country of origin. I bet they had meetings about it.

Where’s a foreign country that has accents but they’re still white?

Germany? Too scary.

Belgium? Not scary enough.

Russia? PERFECT!

I’d be more inclined to switch to a company that didn’t veil their bullshit commercial in clever comedic quips and just said “you’ll talk to someone from america when you call us and they actually can help you.” 22 syllables. 10 seconds at most. Pay Christian Slater to read the sentence. Put up the logo….fade to black. I’m sold.

Mila Kunis and the all-knowing

My friend chris broke my heart yesterday when he referenced a huffington post article that claims the ONLY POSITIVE THING I took away from seeing “friends with benefits” was all a lie.

At a certain point, about mid-way through the painfully cliche-ridden borefest, there’s a scene where Mila Kunis walks nude from the bathroom to the bed, where you get a full view of her nude body from the back. It’s fantastic. Upon seeing this wonderment of artistry, I had made the decision that although the movie was terrible, it did give me an opportunity to see someone naked that I have expressed interest in seeing naked in the past. This gave the film a passing grade.

Turns out: it was a butt double. Now THAT DOESN’T CHANGE THE IMAGE ON THE SCREEN AS BEING DESIRABLE. It just takes the piss out of it. There’s no taboo in seeing a random chick’s ass. Same goes for Lindsay Lohan in machete. Boob double. Bullshit.

I’ve decided there needs to be laws that protect people from this. Similar to the disclaimer in car commercials claiming it’s a closed course, if there is a part of an actor or actress’ performance they didn’t participate in, there should be a small line of text at the bottom to tell us so. This includes stunts….this includes dancing….fucking Natalie Portman….anybody can play a crazy bitch. I thought you were DANCING TOO.…

I need to know when I’m seeing something fake. I need to know when the studios/producers want to urge me not to try something at home. There needs to be warnings. You know how they have pictures of dead people on cigarette packs? I WANT THERE TO BE PICTURES OF BONERS DYING ON THE COVER OF THAT MOVIE CHARLIZE THERON GOT REALLY FAT FOR.

…AND GOD DAMN IT, I WANT TO SEE MILA KUNIS NAKED!

the baby swap and the "no refunds" policy

i felt kind of bad the other day when laura and i were talking about our future. she really wants to have baby girls. of course, anyone who knows me knows this could never happen and so it is a shame that she met a man with such masculine sperm.

see, my junk isn't equipped for girl making. my sperm has biceps. so in theory, the only way laura's ever going to make a girl is by cheating on me or swapping.

swapping, you ask? why, yes!

my newest creation: the baby swap program......where you DON'T WANT the baby you got but still kind of want a baby. i mean, you had the shower......you painted the room.....but the baby you got is just kind of an asshole....or reminds you of someone......or is not the gender you were hoping for. whatever the case may be...

we're not talking adoption. there's already PLENTY of places to go get you an unwanted baby. we're talking a straight up swap. you post an ad on www.mikesfuckshitandkillshitbabyswap.org's website with plenty of pictures and what their major defect is (like in our case, it'd be I ALREADY HAVE 7 BOYS AND WANT A GIRL) and connect with other people who want to return their baby as well.

granted, there will be a strict no refund policy to avoid those sentimental assholes who decide later they want to know how the one that came out of them turned out. this will protect you from the bonuses and rewards of raising a good/profitable kid and having it ripped out of your clutches by "real mommy."

again, web developers and business folks alike, you know where to find me if you need to know more and want to partner up with me on this one.

errandboy.com and the capitalization of a lazy world

I can't tell you how many times Laura has realized she didn't have an ingredient of a meal she was preparing until after she started making it. This usually means I'm going to have to drive down the street and pick up eggs....or milk....or butter....something like that.....but what if I wasn't home? What then? Does she scrap the meal all together? She certainly can't just leave the burner on and leave. That would be irresponsible.

That's why I've come up with the perfect solution: errandBoy.com

The craigslist of small favors.

It works something like this: ErrandBoy.com will maintain a database of grocery stores, carryout restaurants and retail chain's prices....you PURCHASE items from the site (with a minimal service fee, of course) and then it goes into an open forum, where people could click on your link and ACCEPT your contract, therefore putting your
money into their account. They then go to the store, buy the items you've paid them to buy and bring them to your house. You then, I assume, are expected to tip them....but they still get a percentage of ErrandBoy.com's service fee...so they're still making money....it's like freelance pizza delivery only with millions of options and products to choose from. All the out of work hoosiers could log on any time they wanted and make some money bringing me a fucking lion sized sandwich from lion's choice. I'd check it every time I left the house to see if there was any in a direct route to where I was headed anyway. If everyone did that, think of how happy all the Al Gore "global warming carbon footprint blah blah" hippies would be.

All you fucks out there that know how to design websites get started on this. Let me know when you're done and I'll tell you where to mail my checks.

Right, wrong and media coverage

I had, what was in MY mind, an incredible idea for a novel this afternoon that I know I’ll forget before doing anything about….or will remember vividly and still do nothing about. The protagonist, a young man with great intentions, attempts to make a name for himself through good deeds. He tries to raise awareness of good causes, volunteers his time doing charity work, donates large portions of his salary to starving children in some shit hole country….the guy does it all. He is COMPLETELY IGNORED. Then, one day, he hits his breaking point and MURDERS someone….or it’s an accident….or he’s falsely accused….haven’t decided what the circumstances are and how to keep him a sympathetic character….or maybe I don’t WANT him to be a sympathetic character…..because after the INCIDENT, this man becomes a rockstar. His life becomes a 24/7 news circus. The trial of the century….he’s getting marriage proposals in jail….he’s on t-shirts and Rob Lowe is playing him in movies on the lifetime network….not for the good things he’s done and the lives he’s bettered, but because we as a people have an insatiable bloodlust for fucked up murderers and psychopaths.



Casey Anthony is a fucking trailer trash, inbred hoosier. We shouldn’t know her name. She is one of the most talked about people in the country and all she has done in her miserable life is murder her child. She’s famous….and the reason she’s famous is because we made her famous. She has no talent. We commented on her tits. We talked about her daughter’s corpse rolling around in her trunk. That was us. We did this. You have to ask yourself: is being immortalized worth the sacrifice of your morals? You can’t name a single one of the 32 victims of the Virginia Tech shooting 4 years ago….but I bet 1 out of 5 Americans can pull the name Seung-Hui Cho out of their ass. All those kids were doing was what they were supposed to be doing….going to a fucking university and learning shit.

Then there’s the Columbine assholes….Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. They became the poster boys for so many things….heavy metal music…violent video games….guns in schools…..a Michael Moore movie….I mean, they got grouped in with CELEBRITIES….Marilyn Manson was interviewed ABOUT THEM….that’s the message we want all the rest of these little sociopaths to hear? Kill people so Eminem notices you? Not that I have an alternative to this idea. I wouldn’t have mentioned the little pricks’ names is all. Fuck them and their spotlight. I don’t care what music they listened to or what video game they play. The story should be the people who were killed and their families….not what was on those dipshits’ blog.

It must be surreal for Casey Anthony to sit in her hotel room in Cleveland, Ohio….or wherever she was sent for her protection….and see her name being spoken by every news anchor and every talk show host….and although they’re speaking ill of her and her choices, you have to wonder if to some, that they’re being mentioned at all is enough.

To put it into perspective….I made a comment a while back on twitter that Jenna Haze (a pornstar) has a boring twitter feed because there’s nothing on it to jerk off to. She replied to me and basically told me to fuck off and that twitter isn’t a porn site. I believe she called me an asshole. I was seriously put in my place. She was completely right….I was a COMPLETE ASSHOLE to make the comment…..but do you know what my reaction was? Holy shit! Jenna Haze just TALKED TO ME. I was excited. I went to her twitter and realized she replies QUITE OFTEN to douchebags. Didn’t see a SINGLE INSTANCE of her THANKING SOMEONE for saying “I love your work.” I’m sure she gets those types of messages. HAVE YOU SEEN HER WORK? She’s very talented…but no. She defended herself to assholes and was otherwise quite boring.
I guess what I’m trying to say is Jenna Haze is what’s wrong with America and it’s time we fix it. If you consistently reward negative behavior, don’t be surprised when you see more of it. Look at a list of the top 10 most recognizable names in sports (not beloved…recognizable) and I bet O.J.’s fucking on there. Was he when he was JUST a hall of famer and token black guy in naked gun movies?

I’m not pointing this out to benefit anyone, I’m just pointing it out in hopes that someone recognizes how fucking clever I am. ‘Bout time somebody does.

Knees and ankles

I was made aware of a concept I had never known about while eating some birthday cake at my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Apparently, there are different pants/underwear protocol in place for men and women in toilet sitting situations.

See, I always thought pants at your knees was standard. I never knew of this subculture, led primarily of women, that only pull their garments down to their knees…..claiming that bathroom floors are a filthy place and that they do not want their clothing to come in contact with it.



Two problems I see with the knees together stance that I can think of right off the bat….balance and comfort. Where do your balls and penis go if your knees are held together by the elastic of your underwear? Well, as any man would know, it’s either sitting on top pointing towards the door or tucked uncomfortably underneath your tightly pressed together thighs. If dangling gently with a nice, wide stance, you won’t need to worry much…but stretched and pointing downward, you have splash-back or even a possible crossfire situation to contend with. I would imagine these issues would translate to women as well. Seeing as the pee hole is kinda in the middle if not slightly forward facing, I would imagine a wide stance would be REQUIRED to get the correct angle.



It’s kind of a sexy look. Just pulling ‘em down far enough to get to work….but it’s not practical….and if we’re talking WOMEN, HOW DIRTY COULD BATHROOM FLOORS BE? If you’re missing the toilet, you’re doing something wrong. My guess is you’re trying too hard to reinvent the wheel. It’s a shit, not a choice. Get comfortable. Don’t think too much about it. That’s when things get weird….and it’s not like you’re not putting your purse on the floor.

Or does it rest in your lap as well? No fucking WAY….you lock your knees, balance a purse on your lap AND squeeze out a shit? How do you text message? How do you WIPE? Now I know why Chuck Berry was filming broads in the toilet. There’s wonders in there. I need a volunteer to explain how it all works before my curiosity forces me to do something illegal.

Handicap heroes and the squiggly line warning

I’d like to know if there was an inspirational intent to characters in comic books that turned lemons into lemonade….well, not even really lemonade. Turned lemons into justice.

Take daredevil for instance.

Daredevil being able to live independently really is more than anyone would expect from a blind dude…and he not ONLY has an uncanny ability (due largely to his disability) to feel his surroundings out with aural sonar….but he USES that ability to keep people safe.

Fucking spider-man got bit by a fucking mega-spider. Sounds like a shitty day…yet instead of using it as an excuse to whine and be all emo, go on disability, park in handicapped spots….or on a lighter note to impress girls with his newfound powers, he fucks ONE SINGLE ginger broad and fights man lizards. It’s an inspiration. The most intriguing aspect of spider-man’s abilities is his “spidey sense.” To the best of my knowledge, (which consists of about 30-40 accumulative hours of spider-man comic reading) he knows when there’s danger by the appearance of 3-4 squiggly black lines above his head.

There’s not really a hint as to what that sensation feels like. Perhaps it’s similar to the symptoms of my recent ailment. Maybe it’s an intense itch in your asshole. Maybe I have spider powers and didn’t even know it. Or maybe it’s something different. Maybe the itch is telling me something else. It’s a calling. Look, daredevil does a lot more with a lot less than a danger sensing asshole. I CAN USE THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE. Forget the disheartening realization that it itches ALL THE TIME, that could just be it getting warmed up. I just need to train it to only itch when there’s trouble. Then again, if I could do that…I could probably just train it to not itch.

I guess that’s the question I have to ask myself. Do I want to trade in my gift just for the comfort of being unaware of impending danger? Would I prefer ignorant bliss and an itch free anus? Or should my discomfort be a sacrifice for the betterment of society? I’ll let you all know when I decide.

Bulimia and the power of marketing

Food idea marketed to bulimics: tastes like barf going down but tastes GREAT when you barf it back up.

The bulimic ladies are a great market to go after because they’re hungry ALL THE TIME….then they eat, barf….empty stomach again. There’s no pace. It’s a vicious cycle to stay skinny….so what if you sold them a product that TASTES TERRIBLE….therefore punishes them to eat it….but then on the way back, when they decide to throw it up to keep their physique intact, it tastes amazing. I see that as DOUBLE encouragement.

1. Encourage them not to eat it in the first place cause it tastes bad.

2. Encourages them to vomit up what they did eat not only because they don’t want their body to process it but also because ON THE WAY BACK, IT TASTES GREAT!

If Joe camel markets cigarettes to kids…we could go a similar route for the bulimics and have a really skinny chick mascot. In my mind she has a long, cigarette holder and chin length black hair. The ads will be designed to make women feel bad about themselves physically. They won’t want to buy other food products that taste good out of fear they’ll eat too much of it. Think about it. Any financial backers interested in getting this project off the ground, you know where to find me.

COMIC PANTIES AND MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR PAYDIRT

every time laura and i go shopping, i usually end up dragging her to the panties section to pick out a new pair. this is just something i enjoy. i like all kinds, so when she says things like “those don’t look comfortable” or “i’ll never wear those,” i don’t get discouraged. i just pick out different ones.

she probably has the largest collection of panties of any girl around because her boyfriend absolutely loves buying her new ones.



what bothers me is the lack of novelty panties.



you go to the men’s section……..you got superman, batman, star wars, coke, pepsi, mountain dew, family guy……you name it.

women’s panties? stripes. that’s really it.

would it kill ‘em to make some x-men panties like these……..



…..available to the general public? do you have any idea how much nerds like me would pay for those to be in our girlfriends’ wardrobe? these close-minded marketers think that only guys that geek out to wolverine are dudes without girlfriends……but guess what? WE DIDN’T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS 10 YEARS AGO…….BUT OUR ZITS ARE GONE NOW AND WE HAVE JOBS, MONEY AND CARS……..WE STILL HAVE A CONNECTION TO THOSE CHARACTERS……..WHICH IS WHY ALL THE GOD DAMN IRON MANS AND THORS AND GREEN LANTERN MOVIES YOU’RE CHURNING OUT SO QUICK ARE MAKING A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY……so you’re stupid not to plaster logos on anything you can…….



i’ve searched everywhere. you’re making it too difficult for me. i should be able to find them. i want to give you all of my money and you don’t want to take it from me. this makes you a fool. laura’s fine with stripes and solid colors….i’m the one who’s hurting here and i’ve given you fuckers so many years of loyalty. throw me a fucking bone.

Insuring and the preparation for the end of the world

My job is to rent storage units. I sit in my office, and when someone wants a storage unit….I rent them one.

I have one customer who currently has four 20×30 foot storage units that he pays close to $900 a month to keep. The contents of these units are supplies he will need in case of an apocalypse…..non-perishable food items….things to make fire….tents….water….

Now, I guess my question would be: if you have spent THIS MUCH time and money into the preparation for the end of the world, are you rooting for it to actually happen?

I pay an outrageous amount of money for car insurance. Every 6 months I write a huge check with the HOPE that I won’t need the services of the company I’m paying. IF ALL GOES WELL, that was a complete waste of money….yet it’s the law, so it gets paid….but if you spent ALL of your free time….and close to 11,000 a year….on storing supplies so that you would be able to survive a disaster or a breakdown of civilization, wouldn’t you be DEVASTATED if you died in a hospital of old age and never needed any of it?

YOU ALSO MUST CONSIDER THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT YOUR STASH OF SURVIVAL SUPPLIES….in the event of an “every man for himself” all-out cluster fuck, are the people that know what you’re keeping back there a liability? Am I in danger for what I know? Or will my years of standing guard outside of his fortress of canned beans and bottled water allow me the opportunity to tag along to the mountains/caves with him? I will no doubt hear I told you so’s the whole way….but if the alternative is death via zombies/Nazis/Russians….I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with.

My loyal service certainly won’t be enough to keep me in his good graces in this nomad society we now live in. I will need a skill that is valuable. I must start learning to hunt with a stick or catch fish with my bare hands….this will certainly take YEARS to master….but in the end, will pay off when I’m the only one who can do it. After learning this skill though, I too will be hoping one day I get to use it….otherwise, what was the point? I coulda just stayed unprepared and ignorant and ate that many more jack in the box tacos. Besides, I know where that guy’s shit is and I’m closer to it than he is. I may be dumb and fat….but a foot race is alot easier to win if you get a decent head start…..even easier if you cheat.

I’d probably do OK in a post-apocalyptic world….but if I never have to find out, I’m fine with that too.

Exhibitionists and the fear of getting caught

The idea of outdoor sex has always fascinated me. What has always curbed my desire to try it, however, is my crippling fear of someone seeing me naked. I like the IDEA of living dangerously a lot more than taking it on. Yet, when I see the dirty hitchhiker porno movies where she is bent over the front seat of a convertible, it looks like loads of fun. Exhibitionists try all kinds of crazy places…..alanis morisette blew Dave coulier in a movie theater….marky mark finger banged Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster…. the thrill of the act HEIGHTENED by the FEAR of GETTING CAUGHT…..but what if you’re like me and getting caught would prevent you from trying it? Shouldn’t all people be able to experience sex in crazy places?

Well, NOW YOU CAN!

Welcome to MIKE’S ADULT FUN PARK OF SEX EXPLORATION!

See….hotel rooms are used for both sleeping AND sex…..but at MIKE’S ADULT FUN PARK OF SEX EXPLORATION, you won’t have TIME to sleep because there are SO MANY FUN AND EXCITING AREAS TO BRING YOUR PARTNER TO FUCK IN…..

It’s all 100% private, whereas all rooms lock (and latch, if you so desire) to ensure complete privacy from other guests as well as staff. You may take as long as you like and be as loud as you’d like. There’s enough areas to fuck in that NO ONE will be looking at their watch…..

areas like…..

The naughty classroom…..

Jail……

Dodger stadium (with 3d technology that REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE!)

Jurassic park (bone on a stegosaurus)

A boat in a storm…..

On the beach…..

In the jungle…..

In a submarine…..

An old style saloon…..

A teepee…..

A bowling alley…..

Mcdonalds…..

Just out in the middle of the fucking street……

That goofy light up tree from avatar…..

An ice fisher’s shack…..

And MANY MORE!

Act now as availability is based on a first come first serve basis. You and your partner can experience all the fun of sex in weird places, without the fear of getting caught.

The excitement of making new friends and having sex with them

Sex is a drug….a powerful, addictive one. Your supplier is arguably the most important person in your life. To even consider the possibility of “friends with benefits,” you first have to realize it’s going to end badly. That’s a guarantee. Cause honestly, what’s a pain free escape route? Name one. One of you is going to move on or one of you is going to start wanting more. Then the other is left without the drug they crave so desperately….withdrawals set in…..and you’re to blame.

A crackhead coming down has no one to blame….he either ran out of money or ran out of contacts….but you’re taking the sex from this addict….you think he/she’s just gonna go back to talking about the last episode of “grey’s anatomy?” TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF!

A few years ago, I briefly dated a girl I had met on the Internet. After 4-5 dates, I broke it off stating that it wasn’t fair to go any further because I was still actively pursuing my ex (who is soon to be my fiancé). The reply I got was an offer for casual sex to tide me over….an offer I politely declined…

There is nothing casual about sex. It’s probably the most personal thing two people can do….and the power a repeated supplier possesses doesn’t just go away.

I remember trying “friends with benefits” once in high school. It was a really good friend of mine and I’m pretty sure it remained a secret long after it was over. It might even still be a secret. I just know it lasted a month and I was the one who wanted more. I think I was the one who wanted more before there was any. I had hoped the physical contact and the spending time with each other would make her want to be with me. I was auditioning for a girlfriend. It was pathetic. That’s not saying it won’t work for you, friend….just my experiences. Just know though: if you’re fine with it, chances are the person you’re with is trying to trick you into falling in love with them. Have fun.

Amazon and Pedophiles

the hot button issue on all the talk shows the last few weeks has been the self published kiddy toucher book that was being sold on amazon.




first they went after amazon…….and it raised a lot of first amendment issues about whether they should be in the business of banning books…….and then once amazon removed the book, they moved on to it’s author, philip ray greaves, who was arrested in florida over the weekend on obscenity charges.

although i am a firm believer in our first amendment rights to say whatever the fuck we want, i am outraged at the existence of this book for 2 reasons.



one is the obvious, pc reason…..to even PUT ENOUGH THOUGHT into mollesting children to take the time and dedication to compile an entire book of how-to guides for it shows a sick, sick man. i know how difficult it is to write a book and see it through from conception to finalizing it…….it’s a VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS……and to take that energy and drive and focusing it NOT ONLY on a sex crime…….but a sex crime AGAINST CHILDREN, is inexcusable.

having said that, the real outrage i have is in the simplicity of the subject matter. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU NEED A HOW-TO GUIDE ON HOW TO RAPE KIDS? IS THERE ANYONE DUMB ENOUGH TO NOT BE ABLE TO FIGURE THAT OUT?



step 1: find a kid with a misguided trust in you

step 2: exploit that trust

step 3: rape

step 4: tell them not to tell anyone



THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I’VE EVER CONSIDERED WHAT CHILD MOLLESTATION WOULD CONSIST OF AND IT TOOK LONGER TO TYPE THAN TO FORMULATE THE PLAN. IF YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO READ A BOOK TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TRICK A KID INTO TOUCHING YOUR WEINER, YOU’RE WAY TOO DUMB NOT GET CAUGHT. THEY’RE KIDS! THEY’RE STUPID! IF YOU HAVE TO READ A BOOK TO GET THE ADVANTAGE ON THEM, YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME……STRAP A BOMB TO YOURSELF, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF SOMETHING REALLY HIGH UP, JUMP OFF OF IT, WHEN YOU’RE ABOUT HALFWAY DOWN: DETONATE YOURSELF. WAIT…….YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO FIGURE OUT THE COMPLEXITIES OF EXPLOSIVES……BETTER YET…..JUST TURN YOUR CAR ON IN THE GARAGE AND WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. just call someone and tell them you’re attracted to kids now before you hurt anyone. you’re not going to get away with it…..or date a midget. would that work? is it the danger or the whole……..little……..thing? cause midgets have all the little things you like……plus it’s legal to fuck them. believe me. i’ve watched midget porn on the internet and the cops haven’t questioned me about it ONCE.

and you out there that are smart enough to figure out on your own how to get away with kiddy touching: why aren’t you fucking midgets too? seriously. i’ve seen “heat” a dozen times. BANK ROBBERY DOESN’T LOOK THAT HARD. but we’re on the honor system here. we can’t go doing everything we read about or see on tv. some of us just need to play by the rules. i know kids are easy to rape……so are women if you really think about it……but it’s the wrong thing to do. there are plenty of consenting adults that will have sex with you. i know there are. the internet is full of sick freaks who get off on all kinds of weird shit. just play by the rules. have a safe word. tie a girl up…..role play…..whatever, man….it’s your rodeo. but just because you know HOW to do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it.

“chapter 2: the best candies to offer”

Ladies of the night and the perks of the job

Most jobs of note have the common practice of giving experienced employees pay raises. After all, with time at your position, you become a well oiled machine….producing your product with skill a precision, therefore it only makes sense that as your output steps up, so does your pay. Most companies make efforts to keep their tenured employees happy with perks like added vacation or benefits….more responsibilities….maybe a bigger office….

When considering prostitutes in this scenario, I have 2 trains of thought.

Experience is not necessarily a good thing. Of course when I say this, I may be looking at it from a girlfriend point of view instead of what it is….sex for hire. Do you want a pro? Even if this is someone I’m paying to have one sexual encounter with, wouldn’t I want it to be someone who hasn’t been in the game long? At the same time, if you’re paying for a service….don’t you want the best?

Do prostitutes get raises? Do you give enough $20 blow jobs that you graduate to $30 blow jobs? Does word of mouth (no pun intended) get around that Sparkles does quality work to a point where demand increases….therefore she’s able to raise the price? Or does it have the opposite effect? If you hear she blew the guy you’re talking to, does that make the price go down? Again, girlfriend rules applicable, if a friend of your’s banged them, doesn’t that make them off limits? It isn’t just man code…it’s Eskimo brothers….putting it where someone you know already blazed the trail….it’s just weird.

Is this a juvenile way of looking at this? Who do you ask? I have questions.

CAPES AND TIES

I’ve never understood capes. With the exception of batman,
who uses his to glide when jumping off tall buildings and
shit…no cape really serves a practical purpose. Neither do ties,
come to think of it. What does a tie do? It gets caught in
machinery….it makes your neckline tighter and less
comfortable….but what is the positives of the tie? At some point,
someone started wearing a tie….everyone thought he was an idiot
until people started copying the style….it became a trend and now
for hundreds of years we walk around with colorful strips of silk
tied around our fucking neck. It really leads me to believe that
the right person can change the world’s thinking over time if they
do something radical enough to get noticed….cause people are
sheep. They see superman in a cape and think: “my fucking hero
needs a cape.” before long, the villains are wearing
capes….everyone’s got one….and no one stops to ask: what is the
practical purpose of this cape? My best example: Mr. Sinister.



His cape doesn’t blow in the wind. His cape doesn’t help him glide. Mr. Sinister
can’t even fly. You want to know the sad part? Mr. Sinister doesn’t
even have an alter ego. Superman puts on a suit and tie and acts
like Clark Kent some time. Batman probably wears silk pajamas at
night when he’s getting ready to bang Vicky Vale. Sinister wakes up
every morning and has to put on that elaborate, skin tight, blue
body suit with the spidery cape….I guess just to be scary
looking. Think there’s mornings he wakes up and questions his life
decisions? Maybe he shoulda been Mr. Snuggy. No one is that
committed to a persona that there aren’t sweat pants days. How
would you even poop with a cape on? Do you flip it up over your
head? I generally take my shirt off in fear it’ll drop into the
danger zone. At the very LEAST it would drag on the floor of the
bathroom stall, which in public places could be much more
disgusting than some of the places you chase the penguin around
Gotham. Does he clean his bat suit? What do you clean it with? You
should smell my hockey stuff. It smells terrible….and I haven’t
fought a single villain in it. Simply sweat. Can you imagine all
the toxins the joker and poison ivy have thrown on that
thing….the smell that would create…. But ties. Honestly, what
purpose do they serve?