ARCHIVE: snickers cannons and intergalactic space racism

the other day i was off work and i just happened to run across a story on cnn that a gay and lesbian activist group was protesting snickers bars because their latest commercial is "homophobic." immediately i went to youtube to see this homophobic commercial for myself....

the commercial features a feminine speedwalker guy in little short shorts and a headband walking down the street.......out of nowhere, mr. t appears in a large army vehicle and begins shooting snickers bars at the man, claiming speedwalking is for sissies and he should be RUNNING like a REAL man. the man runs and mr. t yells out their new catchphrase....."get some nuts!" .....a double-triple-quadruple entendra if i've ever heard one.

so the way i look at it, and tell me if i'm wrong......why is that homophobic? i'll go a step further, isn't it MORE HOMOPHOBIC to make the jump to assume this man is gay? he isn't blowing anyone......he isn't holding any dudes' hands.......the guy's speedwalking. one of their last protests was rappers using the word "fag" as an insult to straight men who were being unmanly.....so is it the word or is it that they're using THEIR LIFESTYLE AND SEXUAL PREFERENCE AS THE BASIS TO INSULT SOMEONE? i would assume that's what it is.......so then to assume that just because this guy is being unmanly, that's their basis for assuming he's gay. AREN'T THEY KIND OF DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THEY TOLD EMINEM AND BUSTA RHYMES AND ALL THEM NOT TO DO? i don't think mr. t cared if the guy was gay or not....i think mr. t just had a fucking snickers bar gun and was looking for an excuse to shoot it at someone.

dude....do you think i'd be sitting here ranting about gay protests on cnn if i had a snickers bar gun? i'd be in your driveway right now honking the fucking horn......AND I HAVE A JOB! mr. t doesn't have ANYTHING TO DO, and he has a snickers bar gun loaded up with snickers bars. do you think he's doing investigations to determine sexual preference before he's blasting snickers bars at people? he's some kind of gay basher trying to rectify the evils of homosexuality by delivering delicious peanut, caramel and chocolate missles to them at high speeds? I HATE YOU! HERE'S A FUCKING CANDY BAR!

in the same half hour, they also discussed a story where a board of directors in texas got upset and demanded an apology because the commisioner referred to their unorganized paperwork situation as a "black hole." apparently the meeting could not continue until an apology was made......which the commisioner refused to give......because that would be the stupidest apology ever. he said "i'm not going to apologize because i was speaking of the science term." WHY CAN'T IT BE A PINK HOLE? OR A YELLOW HOLE?

cause the fucking things ARE BLACK! if he said the paperwork was A YELLOW HOLE......NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT!

the news reporters interviewed the guy at the end of the segment (which i have the youtube links for both at the bottom) in which he asked why devil's food cake is brown and angel's food cake is white........why the black sheep of the family is the bad one.......and then said "if i'm talking about being cheap and i say i'm gonna jew you down.....is that racist?"

well, yeah.......it is. similar to if i say "oh.....the black guy is 20 minutes late. he's on CPT." yes.....that is a statement regarding someone's ethnicity......although both stereotypes are based observations that stem from witnessing this type of behavior from a large group of one particular group......they're still including every member of an ethnicity in a group of cheap people or late people....which yes, is a bit racist....

.....but referring to the color spectrum to discuss objects......how can that be considered racist? i think we've all agreed that referring to someone as "black" or "white" is pretty much the norm.......but are we supposed to ignore that there are other things out there that also are these colors? if i say i don't like black jellybeans (which isn't true.....i LOVE black jellybeans) will a black person take offense to that? if the oakland raiders come to town, are all of the black people in the stands going to root for them as opposed to the hometown blue/yellow guys? if i decide my walls shouldn't all be white and i want to add some color to them.....do i suddenly have jungle fever? and if i'm saying things like "my walls need color," is mr. t gona shoot me with his candy cannon?

the hole is black, you fucking moron.....just cause you are also black doesn't mean you have to stick up for it.

the world has gone crazy. it's just one minority group after another finding something to rally against.....and it's annoying. DO NOT BE DEFINED BY YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE OR YOUR ETHNICITY. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. SOMEONE ELSE BEING ATTRACTED TO DUDES DOES NOT MAKE YOU BROTHERS. I KNOW LOTS OF STRAIGHT, WHITE GUYS......AND IF SOME STRAIGHT WHITE GUY GETS WRONGED BY SOMEONE IN SOME WAY.....YOU DEFINATELY WON'T SEE ME RIOTING THE STREETS OF ST. LOUIS......I'LL BE AT WORK THE NEXT DAY TRYING TO PAY MY BILLS.....AND FOR SNICKERS BARS.....cause they're delicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkT_d2OTgv0&feature=youtube_gdata

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc1zGRUPztc&feature=youtube_gdata

megan phelps and the twitter war

the westboro baptist church recently protested hazelwood central high school....my old stomping grounds. i was CURIOUS WHY, but they don't really tell you why.....they just begin screaming bible shit at you and tell you there's perverts in the building. well, sure......there's perverts in EVERY BUILDING.

ANYWAY, I POSTED A PICTURE OF MY BUDDY ROY AT THE RALLY....

http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

AND MAGICALLY, GOT MY WISH.....A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE "GOD HATES FAGS" FAMILY THAT WOULD ANSWER ALL OF MY QUESTIONS..........OR WOULD SHE?

(FOR YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH TWITTER, WHEN IT SAYS @SHOWZAH...THAT MEANS SHE'S TALKING TO ME. WHEN IT SAYS @CRAZYBITCH, THAT MEANS I'M TALKING TO HER.)

@showzah Thanks for publishing our picket; way to add some relevant points to the discussion! (shakes head) RT http://twitpic.com/o1ucw

@meganphelps I was trying to figure out what you wackos were protesting. Is it just random hate/crap or do you have a process for selecting?

@meganphelps ummmm....hey there. I really am curious what the protest was about.

@meganphelps if you're "spreading god's word," you're doing a crappy job. Answer questions.

@meganphelps your dumb website just has lyrics to your dumb song. That's not an explanation. It's a parody. A JOKE. what's the protest FOR?

@showzah Have u seen my timeline? I answer lots of ?s; there's just a lot of them - gotta prioritize! What picket r u asking about again?

@meganphelps hazelwood central/Florissant, MO. If you're passionate enough to fly out here, isn't telling the people here why a high priority?

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE A CHARACTER LIMIT...SO I DON'T REALLY GET TO BE VERY ARTICULATE. TWITTER'S KIND OF DUMB.

@showzah Uh huh -- that's why we issue press releases. See how that works? =) http://tiny.cc/BqpwA

@meganphelps bible jargon and vague nonsense. That doesn't tell me anything. God hates the school...great. WHY does god hate the school?

@showzah He hates u 4 teaching kids rebellion: that it's ok 2 b gay, 2 fornicate, 2 murder babies - tho God says He'll curse u 4 those sins!

@showzah You're not seriously denying that, are you? Anyone w. a single brain cells knows that under the headings of "diversity" &

@showzah "tolerance," you promote what God hates. In this generation, you're a freak if you're not having sex by the time you're 14 or so.

@showzah CNN published a story showing that 25% of girls 14 to 19 have STD's. & if u say 1 word to suggest that it's not a great idea to be

@showzah a fag (in violation of God's clear standard, for which He promises to cure you), you're "homophobic" & "hateful." You've flipped

@showzah every standard on its head, such that "good" is now "evil" & vice versa. See Isa 5:20: "woe unto you!" i.e. God hates you for that!

@meganphelps do you even know specifics or do you follow Freddy blindly? This is a script you're reading from.

@meganphelps are you allowed to think for yourself or are you a scripted customer service rep of hate?

@meganphelps I'm really glad you guys are out in public and not at home breeding. That can be your gift to the world.

@meganphelps you're not replying to my questions, woman. You're throwing out your pre-written talking points. TALK NORMAL!

@showzah I did to! WE PICKET TO WARN YOU: YOUR JOB IS TO OBEY GOD! YOU AREN'T DOING IT! HE'LL CURSE YOU FOR THAT! How much plainer can I be?

@meganphelps how do you know anyone's relationship with god? You don't talk to people. You talk AT them. Shake hands. Have a chat.

@meganphelps the Mormons knock on doors....ride little bikes....hand out pamphlets....you guys' methods are a bit tacky in comparison.

@meganphelps I'm no fan of Mormons or anything.....just sayin'

@showzah U don't know that we talk to ppl a LOT, bc u don't talk to us; you rant & pretend not to understand simple concepts, which gets

@showzah the conversation exactly NOWHERE. U wanna talk methods? Read Jude (a short book; I memorized it, so don't pretend u can't do it!).

@meganphelps you're calling me a "ranter?" boy are YOU a CRACKPOT calling the kettle black. i understand the concept just fine. it's simple.

@meganphelps the concept is this: you think you're right. everyone thinks they're right...you're just pushy and crazy...so you're noticed.

@meganphelps but OUT-LOUD-ING someone doesn't win an argument. having a good point does...and if you don't have words of your own, how can

@meganphelps you argue? by quoting OTHER PEOPLES' WORDS....it's just silly. you're silly. a silly woman with a washed mind. grow up.

@meganphelps get yourself a nice dress. read a mystery novel or something. eat a cheeseburger. live YOUR life...

@meganphelps ever see free willy? little kid and a whale. good movie. rent it. i bet you cry. it gets you. i'm telling you...it gets you.

@meganphelps i hope it's internet shorthand and you do know the difference between too/to/two. were you all home schooled?

@meganphelps shouldn't those poor kids you drag around be in school? you're not teaching them english, are you?

@meganphelps i guess in the world of phelps, all you need is to learn how to copy and paste though, right?

@showzah What can I say? 140-character limits suck! Public school. Graduated w/BBA in Finance (4.0). None of it matters if u don't obey God.

@meganphelps i understand the 140-character limit and i'll take your word for it. you're not going to watch free willy, are you?


@showzah Unlikely. =) I remember starting it when I was little, but it didn't hold my attn, so I didn't finish it. I'm way more of a reader!


SHE MIGHT BE DONE WITH ME AFTER I RECOMMENDED FREE WILLY....A FILM IN WHICH A GAY WHALE KIDNAPS A SMALL BOY.....I HOPE IT WAS A GOOD READ FOR YOU GUYS. I'M STILL HERE.....JUST NOT AS FRISKY AS I USED TO BE.

HUGS AND KISSES,

MIKE

God's belly and other Indian favorites

I was Dicking around on facebook and found a religeon id never heard of, panentheism. I've alway been interested in organized religeon, so I looked it up.

Apparently, panentheism is big with the Indians and is the belief that we live in god's belly. (in a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.....a yellow submarine.) basically, everything is god and we're living in everything....so we're living inside of god.

I guess I can buy into that. Sure. God, who is everything.....created everything....including us....out of everything else. He's not Santa. He's not a spooky puppetmaster or magic cloud wizard....he's everything. He's my phone and my Ginger ale and my car....which was built out of raw materials that are also god....I like that one. God's not up there watching everyone through his crystal ball and calling his bouncer to tell him who is and who isn't invited to his tea party....he's down here....in the form of everything. He's the lamp by my bed that watches me Jack off....he's the 90 year old Asian lady that drives 10 under the speed limit....he's Eric fucking Roberts. God is in all of us....and we are all in him....and on him....especially nick hughett.

naps and cheers

i have never really been able to nap. i don't really know why this is. laura can nap any time she wants and i just fucking can't. i try. it just doesn't work. as i've gotten older, i've gone to bed earlier and woken up earlier....but if there's a night i stay up much later, i still get up right around 9. i then can't nap later in the day. once i'm up, i'm up.

i have one of the most boring jobs in the world and there's never really been a time where i almost fell asleep or anything......yet i basically slept all the way through high school and my brief attempt at college. those were the years where i was physically fit, young and horny. most of my classes had at least one girl i would like to see naked......not to mention an old man/woman attempting to teach me something that in some cases might be useful......yet i would generally sleep 2-3 hours a day at school...the only real time i ever napped.

the only thing that has changed is 50 lbs. and the likelihood of me having sex. i can't imagine i'm staying awake on the off chance laura taps me on the shoulder and demands penis........and i can't imagine that i was sleeping in geometry because none of the cheerleaders were "ra-ra-ree, suckin' on me d."

so why then? why could i nap so easily when it was necessary that i stay awake and learn......yet when it's a tuesday, i have nothing to do but eat, shit and watch tv....i can't fucking sleep past 9:30? does my body hate me? does my sleepytime regulator not want me to be happy? if i'm more sloth-like in my fat, old shell of my high school self......wouldn't mid-day snoozes be easier to achieve? it's not hereditary because my dad naps 7-14 times a day. do i need drugs? sheep? the sleep number bed? or do i need one of those little desks with the chair attached to it? is that how i'm going to get naps? do i need to pay for community college classes to get some fucking sleep? maybe i used up all my naps when i didn't need them and i'm being karma-fucked like chris was for complaining about getting too many blowjobs. maybe my classroom snoozes are me being KARMA-FUCKED like sarah bothering us for years about going to the fucking GOLDEN CORRAL for years only to go there and have EXTREMELY SHITTY FOOD! MAYBE KARMA IS FUCKING ME FOR TAKING HIGH SCHOOL LIGHTLY BY MAKING ME STAY AWAKE THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIT SHIFT AT MY SHIT JOB THAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF MY SHIT ATTITUDE.

...or maybe i just slept through school cause i was up 'til 3 or 4 in the morning jacking off. maybe there's no change but i sleep more regularly now. who knows?

Minesweeper and the degradation of quality free time activities

I used to spend my free time doing creative things like writing....drawing.....making goofy songs about Clayton trying to sell nick knife sets....now I listen to the radio and play fucking bejeweled....either that or try to talk Laura into sex....none of which is getting me anywhere.....except the sex....that's good times.....

I just miss the days when I had the drive to create something. We used to attempt to make movies....I used to attempt to write stories and screenplays and anything else that popped into my head....

I don't have that drive any more. I've become a guy that sits at his desk, looking out the window and waiting for 6:00 to roll around so I can go eat/buy toilet paper/whack off/whatever uninteresting thing I have on my agenda for that day. It's sad. My creative mind has been pummeled into mush by the typical day of sitting in this fucking chair with nothing but Howard stern and cell phone games.

I'm not saying that I had brilliant ideas....
I'm not saying I was talented at my work when it came to writing or art....
I'm just saying I had a DESIRE to MAKE those things....good or bad....and that desire is GONE. My life seems so unimportant without artistic expression. Before, it almost seemed like if I died, someone would find my notebooks of half finished stories and say "damn, mike should've finished this."

Right now, it seems like the only 2 questions that would be asked are

1. Who gets my computer?
And 2. Who would cover my work hours the rest of the week?

It makes me sick to know that I know the names of Eric Harris and Dylan klebold, but none of the names of the 13 people they killed. Same goes for that little fucking douchebag at Virginia tech that killed 32 people, cho chun chi lee yu wing pak or whatever the fuck his name was. We had 3 solid weeks of hearing all about his life on every news station there is. Ultimately, it all boils down to your impact on the lives of the people around you. The more of an impact you have, the more of a difference you've made in the world....which lasts as your legacy.

As I've been sitting here bummed out that my creative days are long gone....I've wondered how I can have a lasting legacy on the world. I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to be a celebrity....but I do have a message that the world should hear....and I believe if this blog were broadcast on television in between news of whoever obama's shaking hands with and whatever idiot killed their baby or crashed their car....if we put this up on Karen foss' TelePrompTer, I could better the lives of EVERYONE WHO HEARS IT.....

My message is simple: if you have a choice at the bank of getting behind a car or getting behind a minivan, ALWAYS....and I DO MEAN ALWAYS....get behind the car. 999 times out of 1000, it will be faster.

I hope you can get my message out to as many people as possible. The guy that shot all the women at that gym's blogs weren't even close to as helpful as that. I'm adding minutes to your life....and what'd he do? Whine that he hadn't gotten laid since 1990? I'm the ugliest dude I know (well....2nd ugliest. There's a guy I know in Springfield much uglier) and there's always SOMEONE that'll throw you a pity fuck. There's some desperate fat chicks that'll do all kinds of crazy stuff....a 19 year drought sounds like someone is a little too picky. Not everyone can fuck Heidi klumm.....only really sexy guys like seal can hook up with hotties like that.

Back to bejeweled.....maybe I'll do a podcast tonight. Maybe I'll eat edy's ice cream and watch the oxygen network....I guess the future is looking brighter every moment.

Tantric and exits

How many band members are allowed to leave a band before they're not really that band any more? More importantly: can a band like queen really go out on tour and pretend to be queen when their singer (and only actual queen) has died? Who wants to see Paul Rodgers do queen karaoke for 2 hours? Who wants to see a little Korean kid sing journey songs?

The funny thing about journey is, they're HEADLINING tours with the likes of heart, cheap trick, foreigner....WITH SOME GUY THEY FOUND ON FUCKING YOUTUBE. SO THE ORIGINAL LINEUP OF HEART GOES OUT AND PLAYS THEIR HITS....then a 20-something year old kid goes up there and pretends to be steve Perry....it's like some kind of joke.

I don't think any of the guys in lynyrd skynyrd are original members....wait....looked it up....I'm wrong....rhythm guitar player and keyboardist are the same.....still not lynyrd skynyrd......lynyrd skynyrd died in a fucking plane crash.

It's weird though...cause some of them I give a pass to. Alice in chains is touring and recording a new album without layne....Jerry cantrell was the primary song writer and did half the singing....so I would say Alice in chains is still aloud to be Alice in chains.

TANTRIC on the other hand, was formed from the 3 guys in days of the new that Travis meeks fired.....so TANTRIC was 3/4 more days of the new than days of the new was.....so THEY get a new singer....some dude named Hugo that does a decent Travis meeks impression....and start a new band called tantric. They put out 2 albums....then the 3 founding members quit and HUGO, by himself.....RELEASES 2 ALBUMS IN '08 and '09 AS TANTRIC. that's false advertising. Now not only is days of the new not days of the new....but tantric isn't tantric either.

It really seems to be on a case by case basis for me. Although it has always been said Billy corgan played everything but drums, wrote everything and had primary control over the entire creative process in making a pumpkins record.....the zwan album, his solo album and the pumpkins album he made with just Jimmy was not nearly as brilliant as the stuff he made with the whole band in the room.....not to mention, one of the few songs co-written by James iha was "mayonnaise," which is probably their greatest song to date....is the smashing pumpkins the smashing pumpkins with their singer/writer/lead guitarist and some no name band including a 19 year old drummer? That kid wasn't even born when Gish came out.

Van halen got Sammy Hagar. Ac/dc got Brian Johnson. Can you just put a different guy up on stage and still claim to be the band that created these great songs? Or are we watching tribute bands?

I think it all boils down to making great music AFTER the switch that doesn't betray your band's legacy or distinct sound....proving you can go on without the former members....something journey has not done.....something lynyrd skynyrd has not done.....but something that bands like metallica (who took shit in a different direction with the addition of jason newstead and made some incredible music) and ac/dc, who wasted NO TIME putting out back in black, which is arguably their best album....after the death of their original singer.

Bands have their own sound. You can tell the difference between over-processed studio magic and the real deal. There's nothing buckethead can noodle on that god damn Chinese democracy that will move me the way slash did when he walked out of that big church, made it a small church, created a wind storm and played the fuck out of the 2 solos in November rain. That's not to say buckethead isn't a great guitar player.....I've seen him live....the guy's incredible....but he's not what I'm looking for when I want to hear guns n roses. Neither is Axel at this point. That doesn't make Chinese democracy bad.....it just makes it not guns n roses. It makes it a bad guns n roses impersonation. It makes it what shinedown is to soundgarden. It makes it what buckcherry is to the counting crows. It makes it what the silversun pickups are to the smashing pumpkins....and that is: tribute bands that play originals. You kind of sound like fun and your songs are catchy to a
point...I'll be distracted and entertained for an hour...but you ain't writing no classics. Music is forgettable now. No one has any original thoughts. No one has any staying power.

It's like I'm imagining a man with a saxaphone on a street corner....a man that used to play because he loved to play....but now he just plays the songs he knows over and over....and he's not playing because he loves to play....he's playing cause if you hear that familiar tune, you'll throw money in his case. Money's not in searching through the woods.....money is in taking the same path everyone else has already paved for you. Sadly, the finished product is less than satisfying.

...fuck you, Hugo. You fooled me into buying into tantric when I was hoping for some Days of the new run off....but I didn't sign up for your bullshit.

chaz and neo penises

cher's daughter, chastity recently announced that she would be doing some wacked out chopping on her giner to somewhow form what appears to be a dick.

i'm all about people being free to do whatever they want with their own bodies as long as they're not harming anyone else....but this is the part that i don't get....chastity bono is a lesbian. she's in a committed relationship with another lesbian. if she creates a magical weiner (i think the technical term is neo-penis....but "magical weiner" sounds much better to me) but yeah......if she now has a penis and wants to be referred to as "chaz," wouldn't that mean her lesbian lover was not really a lesbian? a lesbian who wants her GIRLFRIEND to grow a DICK is not a REAL LESBIAN. if i ever say to laura "man, you'd be so much hotter if you had a big cock," i would, in fact, be a gay guy. not to say there's anything wrong with being a straight chick......i've always had a rather warm place in my heart for girls that enjoy peni in or on them....but it's odd to me that a LESBIAN would want her LESBIAN LOVER to have a donger. apologies.......a neo-donger.

are people who get sex changes legally eligible for the whole marriage thing? are SEX CHANGES actually recognized as a real thing? cause.....dude......i've seen some wacky shit being a howard stern fan for 10 years....and the sex changes i've seen were not very convincing. cut off your schlong........sorry. still a dude.

the chick in "just one of the guys" didn't look like a dude.....

rupaul doesn't look like a chick.......

chyna doesn't look like a chick.......

sex changes don't get the job done. you're still what you were......you just mutilated your junk. dummy.

BLACK PODCAST AND DEBALLING CHRIS CORNELL

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/

NOW UP: THE BLACK-CAST. ENJOY.

podcast for 7-29-09 and grande meaning large

35 minutes of music and me talking about the music/saying "ummm" alot. i will be doing this occasionally because i kind of had fun putting it together. i'd give you the tracklisting but that'd take away the surprise.

it's not all new music......it's not all old music. it's stuff that i was in the mood to listen to and felt like sharing. we won't say weekly........we'll say SOMETIMES. i hope you enjoy it.

http://mikesfuckshitandkillshitpodcast.podbean.com/

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thinking too much and getting your mouth raped

A friend of mine began my day with a question that I have been pondering for the last few hours. If given a choice, would I prefer an ass raping to a mouth raping.....

Now of course, as I'm sure everyone is thinking....how much time would the rapist give me to decide? Seconds? Who can make a decision like that on the spot? It's a good thing this came up.....this way I'll be prepared if the day ever comes.....let's weigh the pros and cons...

My first issue: if someone is RAPING YOUR MOUTH, what do you do? Do you just open your mouth? Do you suck? Do you use your tongue or just try to keep it out of the way? I've never sucked a dick....but someone who has, would they incorporate any of their skills or just lay there and cry?

My 2nd issue: the duck sounds....I mean....if someone is forcing their wang down your throat....you're gonna make the noise. That could be more embarassing than the rape itself.

On the other hand, you're not going to RUIN my mouth. I eat hardees cheeseburgers....I can handle a cock. If you put a decent sized cock in my tight, virgin asshole....that shit may never be the same....especially if you're rough about it....

...but you're swallowing the load, dude.....or at least spitting it out....there's no pulling out and c'ing on your t's....I really don't want to have any knowledge of the taste of spunk.

I don't know....doesn't it just seem like getting raped in the butt is just where a rape should be? Call me old fashioned....

You girls have it so easy that you don't have to worry about stuff like this.

meaty cheesy boys and the blue mnm

The food trend thing all started with the blue m n m. It's all changed
since they got rid of the light brown one and replaced it with
blue.....since then, we've had 100 flavors of coke (lemon coke....lime
coke.....vanilla coke.....coke 1..coke zero) they ruined
slice.....they changed what the lifesavers' 5 flavors are (they're
awful now)

I understand having specials to get people excited....limited time
items and whatnot....but you GOTTA stick with old faithful. Every time
we go to sonic, they put the chicken sandwich Laura gets on a
different bun. It's never the same....sometimes it's chiabata (a new
fad) sometimes it's sesame seeds....sometimes it's a wheat looking
kind of bun.....darker colored....but the point is, food is
inconsistant. I don't care about the hormones or the grease.....I just
want the next one I order to taste and look like the last one I
ordered. I don't want a fucking sirloin burger or whatever trend we're
following now....chipotle.....that shit with the BBQ sauce and the
onion rings..the word "tuscan" in everything......and who could forget the blue rasberry craze of the late 90's?......I don't want that. I want a god damn ultimate
cheeseburger with no ketchup.....WHICH USED TO BE NO KETCHUP TO BEGIN
WITH.....that's what the god damn meaty cheesy boys advertised....meat
cheese meat cheese and that's it. Fucking fuckers. There was no
KETCHUP in that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuHkxNZaTt4

....but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....all the OTHER burgers have ketchup.....so we
gotta follow suit. Everyone ELSE is doing fucking CHIPOTLE, even
though no one even knows what the fuck it IS.....WE GOTTA PUT CHIPOTLE
ON EVERYTHING NOW TOO! IT TOOK PONDEROSA 50 FUCKING YEARS TO FIGURE
OUT THAT THEIR PRICE STRUCTURE WAS STUPID AND THAT CHARGING 7.00 FOR A
BUFFET AND 7.50 FOR A STEAK WITH A FREE BUFFET WAS A STUPID WAY TO GO!
IT'S STEAK, IDIOT! NOT AN EXTRA SIDE OF RANCH!

IF PONDEROSA STARTS SELLING CHIPOTLE STEAK, I will find them and I
will hurt them.

Let me reinforce my position here: put whatever you want in my fast
food....squirrel shit....grinded up old people....I don't care....but
once you have your product, FUCKING STICK TO IT. be CONSISTANT! don't
go Axel god damn rose on us and CALL yourself guns n roses when you've
added fucking ANTIOXIDANTS and gotten rid of SLASH....who walks out of
big churches that then become small....

What is an antioxidant? and when did green become sour apple and not lime? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WAS I ASLEEP?

Ps.....SOMEBODY FIND ME THE NAME OF WHOEVER APPROVED THE IDEA TO MAKE
STRAWBERRY PEANUT BUTTER MNM's....so I can KICK THEM IN THE TESTICLES
or ovaries.....

dancing and jumping

i wonder sometimes if phil collins CAN'T DANCE, or just chooses not to.

personally, i choose not to dance publicly. i have the ability to dance.......poorly....but i can move my arms, legs, hips and whatnot.......so i'm assuming that means i CAN dance. i just don't.....cause i'd look ridiculous. my cousin tried to get me to dance at her sister's wedding.......i pretended like i was going to and then slipped away when she wasn't looking. is this a problem? SHOULD people dance? i know plenty of people who don't dance. CAN YOU IMAGINE CHRIS DICK DANCING? IT WOULD BE THE SCARIEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN! CHRIS DICK DOESN'T DANCE. he barely blinks. i enjoy music.......i enjoy occasionally singing along. i don't sing well.......in fact, i'm pretty sure i sing terribly........but i do it anyway.......maybe that's what dancing is supposed to be to people......their way of enjoying music through body movement and what have you......i guess i just don't process it that way. i don't feel the jonesin' in my bones to get up and boogie. when i'm at concerts, i want to watch the show......i don't want to get up and slam dance/punch people and whatever the fuck those psychos are doing.

similar to white men can't jump. i'm white. i can jump. i can't jump HIGH........but the physical act of jumping in the air and then landing....i have no problem with that. i can do it any time i want.

i'll do it right now.

so i can't dance.......i can't jump.......am i an old man? jesus.

Vampires and lesbians

I've always been fascinated with female sexuality and the Ins and outs and what have yous of what exactly attracts the female gender.

There are 2 reasons for this fascination:

1. I know what a man likes because I am a man. When a guy tells me there's a girl coming in to the room who is physically attractive, I can either agree with them or disagree with them.....but either way, I can appreciate the assets a man bases his opinions on. With women, it's a whole different ballgame. I would like to understand this ballgame ultimately because I want to understand everything.
2. I enjoy women and would like to be desired by them. This rarely (if ever) is the case, but who DOESN'T want people to be attracted to them sexually?

Now of COURSE I understand lesbians. Women are curvy and sleek....they're like the human iPod whereas a man is that old, dust AM radio. We're hairy....we stink....

The one I really don't get: fucking vampires. What's with this vampire thing? He can't have lunch with you cause he's sleeping....he's pale.....he's cold.....and OH YEAH! IF HE GETS HUNGRY, HE'LL FUCKING EAT YOU.

I dated a girl who tried to kill me (twice) and I'll admit....a bat shit crazy woman can be sexy. It'll get the blood pumping....but superhuman strength and a history of cannibalism might be a tad on the extreme side.

That's true with the manendez brothers as well as Scott Peterson....the former killed their parents, the latter, his pregnant wife....it's been reported that they get hundreds of love letters/marriage proposals a year.....why? Tonya Harding and amy Fischer both put out sex tapes....and I'll admit, I watced both of them.....but not because they assaulted people.....but because I'll watch anyone fuck. I'll watch you fuck.....a donkey.....3 fat guys.....barbara Walters....doesn't matter. If there's video of people fucking, I'll watch it. That doesn't mean amy Fischer does anything for me....in fact, Its disgusting that she's out of jail making pornos while Mary jo is suffering and talking out of the side of her mouth....
As for celebrities, some I get....some I don't. I guess I'm not supposed to....which I guess makes sense....musicians can move you with their music....actors with their escapism....

This fucking vampire thing though.....explain it to me. Can vampires even get boners?

Nickels and address labels

I just got my monthly letter from the paralyzed veterans asking for contributions. Every 3 or 4 of these I get, I feel bad for all the free address labels and send them 5-10 bucks....but this one made me angry. Homer townsend jr. has a genius idea.....WOULDN'T IT BE SMART TO SEND EVERYONE ON OUR MAILING LIST A NICKEL, then politely ask them to mail it back to us as a show of support? "every nickel counts" homer says.

Well no, homer....because if every nickel counted, why would YOU be mailing ME a nickel? Charities asking for donations by mailing us change seems a bit wasteful. I know that I'm not the only one on their national mailing list. Are they sending out hundreds of thousands of nickels? Couldn't that $5,000 actually HELP the charity in question? I know you gotta spend money to make money....but not by directly handing me money and then asking me to give it back. Maybe I'm reading too much in to all of this. Maybe I should just write homer a fucking check.

Subjects as titles (i hope) and the wonders of modern technology.

I'm testing this out via iPhone to see if this email addy really posts stuff to my blog. Problem is: tiny keys and fat fucking fingers combined with auto-spell-correct obviously not speaking mike makes for strange writing conditions.....worth a shot though, right? So myspace deleted some of by really old stuff....which sucks cause I had fun yesterday going through that crap. The best part was the comments which unfortunately I had a hard time carrying over.....with this one I'm pretty sure anyone can leave comments anonymous or otherwise. We'll see how this goes I guess.

Mike out.

ARCHIVE: chef boyardee and the 48 hour policy

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

recently i was asked by one of you silly females if it's normal that her boyfriend humps her all the time.....not even sexually.....but he grabs her by the hips and just dry humps her when she turns her back to him or something like that. i explained to her that the problem would be solved if every now and then she threw him a mercy handy. she thought i was joking. LET ME EXPLAIN: we make goo. our goo is meant to be distributed. if you fill the factory up with goo and the UPS guy never shows up........the guys in the factory get a. pissed off that they're working for nothing b. full of goo. where's it gonna go? c. they become salesmen.....and you don't WANT these factory guys trying to SELL the goo........you want them doing what they're good at........making goo. .....so if you got these guys getting pissed, that means drastic stuff is going to happen. the goo needs to be distributed. they take PRIDE in their goo and it needs to go somewhere every 48 hours or so to see the world. they don't know where it goes.......they just know that door opens and it's going somewhere and making someone happy and that is GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. you keep the goo there collecting dust, they start pulling wires and banging against the walls....calling old friends to see if they want some almost expired goo......that's when we start saying shit that doesn't make sense, drive at excessive speeds, pick fights with people and grab you from behind and hump you like a crazy person....it's all relative. we're goo distributers. all of us. imagine if chef boyardee cooked up all of that ravioli and no one ever ate it. imagine if chef boyardee was just sitting around looking at all the cans with his fat fucking face on it... .....be happy he's dry humping you and not STABBING YOU! MERCY HANDIES IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT! DO IT FOR ALL OF US! I HAVEN'T LET A BATCH GO BAD SINCE 1995! MY BOYS WORK HARD AND I TREAT THEIR PRODUCT WITH RESPECT! if i started letting them get overstocked, i fear all of your safety. trust me, if nappier lost both of his hands, he wouldn't be able to crank any more out manually.......but i bet you he'd still find a way to pull the trigger on a few of those guns he has downstairs. the dude needs to distribute some goo. JUST REMEMBER: EVERY 48 HOURS. FOR ALL OF OUR SAKE.

ARCHIVE: 8% and menstruation

Saturday, September 22, 2007

bobby and i have had a theory for a long time that about every month or so a man has what we call an "extra 8% day." basically, extra 8% day is a day you wake up and for some reason, your penis is larger. it never lasts more than 24 hours....but you are just OBVIOUSLY BIGGER than on any other given day. i don't think there's a scientific explanation as to why these things occur.....what i do know is today was my extra 8% day. it was a sad day for me because extra 8% days should be celebrated. i should take a vacation day to enjoy it.....maybe wear tight pants.......maybe wear NO pants.......as nick would say, porky pig it for a day......the only problem is, they can not be planned. i have to sit around work knowing there's a masterpiece down there that i can't do anything about until 6. i guess extra 8% days are kind of like periods. they come about once a month and you just gotta keep going on with your day even though you KNOW there's something going on in your pants..... now i know how you feel, ladies. we got it rough.

ARCHIVE: biting amanda bynes’ ass and the discovery of one’s inner whore

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

how old am i allowed to be before it's creepy i want to bite amanda bynes' ass? females are finding their sexuality earlier and earlier as the years go on. britney spears was 17 when the whole "hit me baby one more time" shit came out. lindsay lohan was 17 when she did mean girls.......the two of them set off a chain reaction......creating the fashion trends of fuck me skirts and short shorts in junior highs across the nation that's making for a very serious problem...... that problem is dudes in their 20's being creepy. 17 17 see my point? i dont want to be creepy but they aren't going to stop any time soon and i don't see myself not thinking it's attractive any more. the girls at hooters and in playboy and in porn are all younger than my little sister. how long do i have? my friend kevin's about to turn 30. is he going to have to get a michelle pfeiffer poster? susan sarandon? (who both still look pretty good for their age.....but that's my point........FOR THEIR AGE IS STILL GIVING THEM A "SEXY HANDICAP"....they can't hold a torch to the miss teen USA girls......they just haven't CRASHED ALL THE WAY INTO THE WALL YET........) perhaps these things come with time. when the time is right, i will learn to enjoy what an older woman has to offer............when the time is right......the natural progression of things...... i need to get out. i have a headache.

ARCHIVE: my disease and taking difficult pictures

Monday, August 27, 2007

i have never had a cavity. lately, i've been worried that i might have one. or more than one. i don't know.....cause i don't know what i'm looking at or for. so what i did......is i tried to take a picture of the inside of my mouth so that someone could tell me........i soon learned that that is not NEARLY as easy as it sounds. after experimenting with different lighting (and looking up "experiment" to make sure i had spelled it right) i found one that does a pretty decent job of showing my teeth...... unfortunately, it uncovered something EVEN MORE TROUBLING..... apparently i have fraggles. i'm calling the doctor in the morning to ask if they're contagious....i'm also going to make sure i spelled contagious right.....cause i'm worried about that as well. i'll let you all know as soon as i hear anything. until then, i will quarantine myself. it was nice knowing you all.

ARCHIVE: where my boogers are and stereotypical man things

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

someone accused me today of having never been "all that manly." the more i think about it.......the more i question the validity of that statement. i mean.......i guess IN ALL HONESTY, stereotypical "manly" things (drinking, working on cars, watching football) i don't do alot of.......(except every now and then, when it's time to wash it and the superbowl) i DO have rather manly habits though........i fart and burp........i scratch my balls when they itch........i tend to be hairy........i play hockey........i have a penis AND balls........ ...but i think my most notable manly trait is i'm fucking gross. working at the job i work at, i go to many different locations and you can immediately tell whether that location is maintained by a man or a woman based on the condition of the restroom there. this is a public storage public restroom at a location ran by a woman. SHE BOUGHT THE LITTLE FUZZY SHIT OUT OF HER OWN POCKET.......AS WELL AS THE TISSUES....... i, on the other hand have this weird stuff growing along the edge of the water which i've been attempting to attack with my streams of piss. (having targets are important to my overall enjoyment of the urinating experience) i fear that if i had a fuzzy thing, i would feel a need to pee on it as well......as i do the sink on occasion partly because i can and partly because i'm too lazy to lift the lid (i'm not talking SEAT, i never lift that......im talking about the LID.....) there's something about certain things that almost seem to REQUIRE i pee on them. this could be an animal instinct...... i pick my nose alot. i generally just roll the boogers up between my index finger and my thumb and drop it to the floor. that means your floors probably have my boogers on them........home, office or car.......doesnt matter. boogers. fingernails too. i bite them. then i spit them out. i also brush my teeth over a trashcan while watching TV cause my ADD kicks in if i spend a couple minutes hovering over a sink. so i'm just as manly as the manliest of men. i may not be covered in oil, grease and dirt.........i may not be able to carry you real far in my arms........i may not be able to rip my shirt off while growling.......but i don't dry my hands off with a towel cause that's WHY WE WEAR PANTS......plus i do have a penis. AND balls.

ARCHIVE: sites you should not go to and "the pounder"

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ARCHIVE: killing yourself and not doing it on a holiday

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i watched a documentary called "the bridge" about people killing themselves by jumping off the golden gate bridge. in 2004, 24 people jumped to their deaths off the golden gate bridge....so this guy filmed the golden gate bridge for a year and documented these people killing themselves......then he interviewed their families. so at the end he lists the people and what day they jumped....... there were 2 in january, 2 in february, 2 in march, 2 in april.......then 3 in may.....the 6th, the 10th and the 11th.......then there was only 1 each in june and july.......so rest easy folks, cause these are obviously the least stressful months......... 3 in august, 2 in september 1 each in october and november then 2 in the december on the 16th and the 29th. so nobody kills themselves on a holiday....i noticed that. the MORBID THING ABOUT IT IS, what this film does is make you feel terrible for anticipating the payoff. they FILM THE ENTIRE THOUGHT PROCESS THESE PEOPLE GO THROUGH WHILE CHIMING IN WITH SOUND BYTES OF THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TALKING ABOUT HOW "normal" they were.......and you just wait and wait as they sit there and think.......... .....then it happens. these people decide to jump to their deaths.....in an instant they're gone. they said it takes 47 seconds to hit the water. in that 47 seconds do you think they reconsider? do you think at the 25 second mark they think "you know, that girl dumped me........but at least there's guitar hero........and big macs.........and the band styx....and re-runs of everybody loves raymond on tbs.......and mr. pibb (in the midwest) and SARAH BROCKMEYER, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! HOW BAD COULD A WORLD BE WITH A SARAH BROCKMEYER IN IT?" or is that just it? you'd think the movie would be a real bummer.....but as fucked up as it sounds, it's not. it's uplifting. in it there are people that survived the fall and they talked about the leap helped them realize what a gift life really is........ ....not to mention it's always nice to be reminded there are people alot more fucked up in the head than i am. but really.....i recommend it. it's an interesting documentary on how tragic life can be. and honestly......sarah's god damn everywhere.....you google sarah and HER FUCKING WORK MESSAGES SHOW UP EVERYWHERE! i mean........think of all the bullshit career opportunities out there for you losers who think your life is over. i mean.......MY GOD! LEARN HOW TO BE AN AWESOME WINDOWS MEDIA DEVELOPER......MOVE TO KANSAS CITY WHERE THERE'S PLENTY OF DIRTY WHITE PEOPLE LIKE YOU (and they're all dirty....and they're all white.....by the way.......killing yourself is a very white thing to do.) TO GO HAVE DIRTY LITTLE WHITE BABIES WITH SUICIDAL TENDENCIES....(all i wanted was a pepsi....just one pepsi.....) seriously though....don't kill yourself. buy siamese dream......drive west........check out vegas.......check out the beach....try something different. make a change. if life still sucks and all that nice weather and beach air and good looking chicks in bikinis doesn't cheer you up.......write a song. pansy.

ARCHIVE: the white sox and mr. pibb

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ARCHIVE: jessica and ashlee simpson

Thursday, June 14, 2007

topic of discussion today is whether or not this is what i think it is....... ....and if it is what i think it is, how in the hell i ever got ahold of it. i mean......IT JUMPS RIGHT OUT AT ME.......so i think it's funny that it ended up on someone's profile. i'm taking a tally of votes here though......so don't be shy..... is that or is that not a giner? i mean.......when it's a celebrity like ashlee simpson or her sister jessica..... you have no control over whether or not these pictures get out.......and people are GUNNING for you to slip up and show a little something.....but posting them on your own myspace profile is kind of reckless.....especially when assholes like me are looking on..... either way it's pretty fantastic.....and thank you, whoever you are.....

ARCHIVE: pretty woman and selling your boyfriend's masculinity to the devil

Sunday, May 20, 2007

pretty woman and selling your boyfriend's masculinity to the devil

ARCHIVE: amanda beard and her fantastic boobies

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

i recently read an article about how amanda beard's decision to pose nude in playboy would be a MAJOR SETBACK FOR FEMALE ATHLETES that try really HARD to be taken SERIOUSLY....... now maybe i'm biased.......cause i'm REEEEALLY looking forward to seeing amanda beard, the gold medal winning swimmer, completely naked and preferrably wet........but i can't see anyone taking female sports any less seriously just cause we've seen one of them naked. let's be honest......no one's watching the WNBA cause they're a bunch of nappy headed hoes, man.......(wait, can i say that?) but really......the most famous female athlete in recent years has to be anna kournikova.......who never won a championship.........never really did ANYTHING with the exception of being insanely good looking. that isn't to say there aren't talented FEMALE ATHLETES.....what im saying is if there's a really, really good looking swimmer getting attention for being really, really good looking.....what does that have to do with the sport she plays? actresses pose nude. does that make movies bad? madonna and courtney love both CAN'T WAIT for you to see their tits.......there's still music being played on radio stations across the world. the sports world as we know it will not cease to exist just cause i got to see amanda beard's fantastic boobies. i dont know much about the female psyche.......but what i do know is that unflattering pictures circulating..... probably get under your skin alot more than professional photos that they airbrush to make you look perhaps better than you really do in everyday life.... and don't blame this on us.......... cause you all still want to fuck albert pujols..... sluts......

ARCHIVE: subliminal 35's and buff chicks

Thursday, May 10, 2007

this is my new favorite picture in the entire world and i'll tell you why........

ARCHIVE: god and bling

Thursday, February 22, 2007

i'm yet to decide why belief in god and belief in man can't both occur.....i mean.......personally, i'm not a believer in god OR man.........i think one's similar to santa claus in that a magical man knows if you've been naughty or nice, sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake.......and the other is a creature that thinks it's much more superior to the animals around it than it could ever hope to be. I MEAN, LIONS EAT ANTELOPE CAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY......WE SHOOT TYRELL FOR HIS BLING......WHO'S THE ANIMAL, REALLY? but it seems you have to have faith in god to be considered a moral person.......or you have to have faith in man to be an optimistic person......so what are you if you don't have faith in either one? my answer: hopeful. i'm hoping i'm wrong about both. i'm HOPING there's a guy up there watching all the good shit i do and dropping me a favor every now and then because of them. i'm hoping that the people that do horrible, evil things are punished in a firey hell........i'm HOPING that this god UNDERSTANDS that without any kind of proof he exists (other than some of the most bigoted, egotistical blowhard messengers ever assembled) belief in him is based solely on blind gullibility that has no physical evidence to support it. what you HAVE is men in shiny robes telling you that god sent a hurricane to new orleans cause they got alot of QUEERS down there......then they pass around the hat so they can add on another wing and build another holy place down the block....or perhaps they don't need to build a whole place.......they can just BLESS what used to be a CIRCUIT CITY! ....but i do hope he's up there and i hope he's got all this shit under control....global warming and nuclear bombs and pissed off arabs and kevin federline.......cause i don't think man has a clue. man's so concerned with which version of god is the real one that no one is just enjoying the time allah has allowed us here. i mean......if you kill everyone, you'll be the last to know.......and by then, it'll be too late. seriously.....the infidels are going to hell anyway.....and how many virgins do you really need anyway? please tell me there's gonna be an upswing soon. please, god.......tell me things are about to change for the better. Tara you need lots of virgins, mike. lots. come on now. Posted by Tara on Thursday, February 22, 2007 - 8:02 PM [Reply to this]

ARCHIVE: smiling cocks and taxes

Monday, February 19, 2007

in my lifetime, i've dated 2 blondes. both were when i was very young and both lasted less than 2 months.....now that i think about it.......both of em had pretty dark blonde hair so they probably weren't really classified full out blondes to begin with. thing is.....although there's an occasional blonde that knocks my socks off... .....i rarely find them all that appealing. in my porn huntings.....i often times fast forward through the blondes (which dominate porn for the most part, go figure) and i don't really understand what my deal is. i mean........i can understand where dudes think blondes are attractive........and i often agree that they're quite good looking.......i just don't really dig 'em. they're fine and all.......i just don't really get into it. i'm not depressed as joey said in the comments of my last blog......i just have a lot of free time and in that free time i think alot and when i think alot, most of the time what i come up with bums me out. like IF SEATBELTS ARE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT, WHY DON'T SCHOOL BUSES HAVE THEM? I MEAN.....THEY BEAT IT IN OUR FUCKING SKULLS THAT WE GOTTA WEAR BIKE HELMETS AND STRAP KIDS INTO CAR SEATS AND SHIT BUT THEN THEY JUMP ON THE YELLOW DEATH-MOBILE AND GO SEATBELT FREE ON WHATEVER BULLSHIT FIELD TRIP THEY HAVE PLANNED WITH WHATEVER DRUNK PEDOPHILE THEY COULD GET TO DRIVE THEM THERE! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? I MEAN.......LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE 1 IN EVERY 500 KIDS THAT WILL INJURE THEIR HEAD WHEN CRASHING THEIR BIKE......CONSIDER THE EMOTIONAL ISSUES EACH ONE OF THE 500 WILL ENCOUNTER WHEN THEY HAVE TO WEAR THAT DORKY LOOKING HELMET. we can drive around and talk on a cellular phone to anyone in the world in our cars but we can't come up with a safety helmet that doesn't make us look like a smiling cock? i never wore a bike helmet and i fell off of it a shitload.......to the best of my knowledge i don't have any kind of brain troubles (at least none that i didn't have before i fell off the bike) DON'T GIVE US OPTIONAL FEATURES IN OUR CAR AND THEN GIVE US FUCKING TICKETS FOR NOT WEARING IT. IT'S MY GOD DAMN CHOICE WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO RISK MY LIFE IN NOT WEARING A SEAT BELT. PERSONALLY, COMFORT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN THE POSSIBILITY I MIGHT MAKE A MISTAKE DRIVING AND END UP GOING THROUGH MY WINDSHIELD. THAT'S UP TO ME. I'M THE ONE THAT'S GONNA BE GOING THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDSHIELD, SO MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. YOU'RE CREATING MUCH MORE OF A RISK TURNING ON YOUR DISTRACTING RED AND BLUE LIGHTS........WALKING ALONG A BUSY STREET IN THE DARK TO COME UP TO MY CAR AND TELL ME TO BE MORE CAREFUL. HELMETS AND ALL THIS SAFETY BULLSHIT.......ALL THESE WARNINGS ON COFFEE CUPS CAUSE DUMB SHITS DON'T KNOW THE CONTENTS ARE HOT.....ARE FOR A MINORITY (SLOWLY BECOMING A MAJORITY, SADLY.) OF STUPID PEOPLE THAT I WISH DIDN'T HAVE THE WARNINGS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM. WHY DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THESE INFORMATIONAL TRAINING SESSIONS AND SAFETY BULLETINS AND "THE MORE YOU KNOW" COMMERCIALS WHERE CELEBRITIES TELL US FOR THE 1,000TH TIME THAT SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS TO KEEP THESE PEOPLE ALIVE AND HEALTHY? MAN HAS LIVED FOR A PRETTY LONG TIME AND THE THEORY OF SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST IS GONNA HAVE TO START APPLYING SOONER OR LATER. WITH THE ADVANCES IN MEDICINE AND KNOWLEDGE OF THE HUMAN BODY.......PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER........AND WITH THE EVER EXPANDING POPULATION OF MORONS FUCKING LIKE JACK-RABBITS.....IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE START RUNNING OUT OF SHIT. NO MORE WARNINGS! NO MORE STOP SIGNS! TAKE IT ALL AWAY! IT'LL BE CHAOS BUT IT'LL GET STUFF ACCOMPLISHED! SURE, THERE WILL BE TRAGEDY......PEOPLE WILL BE DEVASTATED BY THE LOST OF THEIR RETARDED COUSIN WHO DIDN'T KNOW NOT TO DRINK GASOLINE DUE TO THE LACK OF A MR. YUCK STICKER.......BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THE DUDE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DRINK GASOLINE. DID WE REALLY WANT HIM DRIVING OUR SWEEPER TRUCKS OR COOKING OUR HAMBURGER ANYWAY? maybe taking away stop lights is a bit extreme.....but you get what i'm saying. i'm not saying we should go out and start killing stupid people.......i'm just saying we should give them every opportunity to catch up.....as opposed to dumbing everything else down for their benefit....and in the end if they fail at this game we call life......well then chances are it was meant to be..... if a kid gets all F's and one D in 5th grade......know what? make the kid take 5th grade again. if the kid's 30 and still in 5th grade, keep teaching the fucker till he gets his or her multiplication assignments right. PASSING EVERYONE'S JUST GONNA PUSH A FUCKING MORON OUT THE DOOR WITH THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA WE ALL GOT AND BRANDING THEM ACCEPTABLE TO ENTER THE REAL ADULT WORLD WHEN THEY CAN'T READ, WRITE, ADD OR SUBTRACT.......WHEN YOU DO THIS, THE REST OF US HAVE TO PAY TAXES FOR ALL 12 OF THEIR STUPID KIDS THEY HAD IN THEIR TRAILER THAT WERE TAUGHT NOTHING OF LIFE EXCEPT THAT IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO NOTHING, THE GOVERNMENT WILL SEND YOU CHECKS FOR IT, BUT IF YOU WORK HARD.......THE GOVERNMENT WILL TAKE HALF OF YOUR EARNINGS AND HAND IT TO THEM.....AND THEIR KIDS. if anyone's still reading this, i'm sorry. i know i'm going nowhere fast. just don't be the kind of people that make their kids wear those dorky bike helmets......seriously.......they look ridiculous.

ARCHIVE: 7282 minutes and public nudity

Sunday, January 21, 2007

nudity should be brought back into the mainstream. not just for sexual reasons......just because clothes have become way too important. what you wear and how you wear it is the only reason the E network exists..........the tabloids are into nipple slips.......the internet is for fake nude photographs of jessica alba if we could do away with just a few of these things.......just by everyone getting naked......think of all the time we'd save. no getting dressed in the morning.......no getting undressed and then RE-DRESSED after work.......no getting undressed and into your PAJAMAS at night.......just wake up.....take a shower......put on some shoes (or don't) and go to work. naked. 15 minutes a day getting dressed...... 2 getting undressed 1 minute a day unzipping and zipping your fly when you gotta pee/recieve oral..... 5 minutes a week pulling your pants up and down when it's time to shit/recieve oral/do the yumyum bouncy bounce..... that's 7282 minutes a year wasting time with putting on or taking off clothes......121 hours.......5 days. you spend 5 DAYS A YEAR DEALING WITH CLOTHES! AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING LAUNDRY OR SHOPPING........IF WE INCLUDED ALL THAT MAINTENANCE, YOU'RE COMPETING WITH SLEEP TIME.......and we could do away with all of it if we just started going naked. i think it'd help crime too.....suicide as well. there might be a few more rapes at first.......but after a while, everyone would get used to it. AND THINK ABOUT IT, MOST RAPES PROBABLY OCCUR BECAUSE OF THE CURIOSITY AS TO WHAT THAT WOMAN LOOKS LIKE NAKED! IF YOU COULD SEE HOW HER NIPPLES LOOKED, YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO RIP HER SHIRT OFF BY FORCE. i wouldn't be nearly as compelled to make a fool of myself hitting on the girl at the bank if i had already seen her naked. all i really wanted to know is if she shaves or not......or has the little landing strip........or if there's a forest growing.......these are questions that need answers. dicks would no longer be so taboo. they'd become like noses......some people have big ones.......others small ones........big whoop........and if there's ALOT OF DICKS around, i'm sure mine wouldn't be the smallest one. i'd feel better about myself. more confident. free. it'd make the world a better place. think about it. mike in '08.

ARCHIVE: sex and margaret cho (but not at the same time, ewww....)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

there's an article in the new maxim where they ask alot of celebrities what song they lost their virginity to. of the 27 featured in the article, 13 actually answered the fucking question.....making the article kind of pointless....of the 13 that answered.....there were alot of answers i wouldn't have expected.....only 1 luthor vandross........no al greens or marvin gaye......you know, the obvious ones....... margaret cho said it was "tom sawyer" by rush....... penn jillette's was "the angel's death song" by the velvet underground...... music really does put you in a certain time and place when you really focus on it. although i don't believe at that PARTICULAR MOMENT in my life there WAS music playing, certain songs i was listening to around that time remind me of that year in my life.....as do other songs from other times..... soundgarden's superunknown album always takes me back to playing basketball in david moore's driveway........ radiohead's ok computer always takes me back to the potts brothers hanging out and playing pool in my basement.............mandy carr and all her bullshit.........egg sandwiches.......kenny wregget:the hardcore champion so MORE THAN A PARTICULAR SONG THAT WAS PLAYING AT THE EXACT MOMENT, WHICH WITH ALL THE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS SWIRLING IN YOUR HEAD AT THAT TIME, UNLESS IT WAS PLANNED.......SHOULDN'T BE A VIVID PART OF THE RECOLLECTION.......maybe the question is more directed at a particular song that takes you BACK to that time........for me two albums come to mind.....pearl jam's binaural was in heavy rotation (key songs: 4-9), as was ry cooder and ali farka's talking timbuktu....(the whole CD, man.....) the funny thing about sex is.....ALMOST EVERYTHING CAN REMIND YOU OF SEX.....which is one of the few things you can say that about. (another is quotes from the big lebowski....maybe that one's just me) a certain t-shirt.......a certain stretch of highway......all can be traced back to that one time way back when.... nothing works quite like a song though. 10:34 PM 4 Comments 2 Kudos (Give Kudos) Translate Powered by English Albanian Arabic Bulgarian Catalan Chinese Croatian Czech Danish Dutch Estonian Filipino Finnish French Galician German Greek Hebrew Hindi Hungarian Indonesian Italian Japanese Korean Latvian Lithuanian Maltese Norwegian Polish Portuguese Romanian Russian Serbian Slovak Slovenian Spanish Swedish Thai Turkish Ukrainian Vietnamese Print

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	*Sarah Smiles*	i think only in movies do people actually "put on music" to get down. for me, it's more smells (perfume, cologne), what color panties / underwear you had on, the feeling of excitment if someone would walk in on you at any second, can this trucker see my butt, if i move too quickly i might throw up, where did you put that shirt, i wonder if we can get kicked out for this, if anyone walks to their car we'l get caught, and WHERE HAS ALL THE RUM GONE? that's my favorite. Posted by *Sarah Smiles* on Monday, January 15, 2007 - 9:39 AM [Reply to this]

	STEVE	i lost my virginity to cemetery gates by pantera...man oh man....i hate my life sometimes. Posted by STEVE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:14 AM [Reply to this]

	MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE	that might be fun, actually..... "Well I guess You took my youth And gave it all away. Like the birth of a new found joy, This love would end in rage..." i mean.....why not? better than tom sawyer.... Posted by MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:23 AM [Reply to this]

STEVE

fuck rush Posted by STEVE on Tuesday, January 16, 2007 - 1:34 AM [Reply to this]